Let me just start by saying that as a man who has, over the past couple of years, truly come into his own, it's a real pleasure for me to see men like Random, Howard Frank, Gary and Dan (of Dan and Amber) whose nature as a dominant partner ties in directly to their nature as a gentleman and, truthfully, as a masculine nurturer. We are truly blessed to have the partners that we do, and they in turn are blessed to have men like us in their lives (I am no believer in false modesty – it's just a part of my appalling American streak). Not that I in any way believe that all relationships should be like ours. I have to admit that I grit my teeth when I read things like “The male is naturally the dominant partner, while the female is naturally submissive,” then laugh to think what my wonderful dominant female friends would say to this (and how they might react if they had a paddle in their hands at the time...). It is not that “This is the one truly right way to live and love”, it's simply that it is so important to understand and be honest about one's own nature and to find a partner who complements you in her own nature, needs and desires.

For me this is one of the essential paradoxes at play in my relationship, and in all successful relationships I have had – and I use paradox in the truest sense of something that appears to be a contradiction, but is actually a deeper form of truth than we can usually express.

The nature of this particular paradox is this: That it is in my partner's nature to be a strong, independent and, at times, even commanding force in much of her life, while also having a genuinely and lovingly submissive side that she chooses to share with a trusted partner. It is not that the strong, independent, commanding side of her is an act, a way of ‘being tough’ for the outside world – it is who she is and neither she nor I would ever choose to change it.

Both sides of her are equally ‘her’ and each one feeds the other – the strong, independent side helps her to grow and explore and to protect herself in a world that is by no means always benevolent or benign. But her submissive side, the part of her that will always be a young girl – playful, loving and constantly reassured by having a stronger, guardian force there to nurture and guide her – helps to give the womanly, independent side strength.

Human nature being what it is, although I believe we have these polarities ‘hard-wired’ into us, we are not designed to be able to meet all of our own needs. However independent any of us may be, we are truly social animals, and it is important to honor and respect that. By nurturing and encouraging both sides of my beloved M (the sides of her that is “My lady” and the side that is “My girl”) I help make both stronger.

Now how does this play out for me? Do I have exactly the same needs? Not quite. I certainly do have a vulnerable side (as does every human being with a soul), but his needs are not exactly the same as M's. I love being taken care of when it is a gift from my beloved or my friends and family. I love being able to let go with those I most deeply trust and admire, to allow myself to be a well-taken-care-of child at times so that I can be even more fully the man that I am the rest of the time.

But – and you will see this is in actual children – not everyone's (please forgive the cliché) ‘inner child’ is the same. No children respond well to abuse, but I do believe that some respond well to a more hands-on, dominant style of parenting than others. Although no children really love the actual moment of being spanked by their parents, some respond very well to knowing that there is a very firm hand to guide and discipline them whenever they stumble and fall. For these children, I believe that lovingly given spankings of the firm-but-not-harsh variety, and that are preceded and followed by much parental love and affection are truly beneficial (and political correctness be damned...).

But for others, this is simply not the case (Lord knows, I was one of this latter kind) – I would have hated being disciplined in this way and reacted to it in a fight-to-the-death kind of way. And so, growing up, I made sure that I was always well-behaved enough to not have to be, and so was able to do my own thing most of the time without needing authority imposed on me. Had my parents decided to apply some ‘old-fashioned’ discipline to me, my reaction would have been to fight them until they understood that this simply was not going to work for us, no matter what the cost to myself. However, for whatever reason, I could always respond to being reasoned with, and when treated this way acted like a real little mensch almost all the time.

Until fairly recently, I had thought because this was true of me, it must be true of every child – then I met a lot more children and talked to my friends about their experiences parenting and being parented and realized it simply wasn't the case. The kind of liberal, reasonable, hands-off approach that worked so well for me, might, with another child, have produced an unhappy, disrespectful brat who felt thoroughly neglected and acted out all the time to demonstrate this.

Not that the kind of child, who would respond to even the most loving spanking by becoming truly and aggressively defensive, should not have boundaries set for him or her. As it is with the dogs we keep as pets, children need to know that boundaries of acceptable and non-acceptable conduct exist so that they can grow and be happy. It is simply that other (perhaps more ‘adult’) forms of discipline – such as ‘community service’ projects like whitewashing a wall or cleaning out an attic, instead of going on a family movie trip – may be more beneficial to their growth and happiness.

It is the same with me and M – both of us have our vulnerabilities, both of us make human mistakes. For M, when she needs to be held accountable (or sometimes just comforted by my loving strength) a spanking provides a wonderful release and a feeling of being well-loved and well-taken-care-of. When I fail in some way towards her (say, when I am inadvertently inconsiderate or disrespectful to her) I take myself in hand not through punishment, but by offering a formal and sincere apology immediately and making some kind of practical amends as soon as possible. Being the dominant partner, I choose the kind of amends to make – but I do so intuitively, based on the nature of my offense and what I believe M needs to know that I understand my failing and to reassure her of my love and respect for her.

And so far, this appears to work wonderfully well for us. We have a relationship which is founded on a fundamental basis of equality – the needs and desires of both partners are held to be equally valuable and equally worthy of cherishing and respect. But we understand the value of the wisdom that “Equal does not mean the same.” Just as any parent worthy of their children loves all of them equally and unconditionally, but would never force their bookishly inclined son to compete for the soccer team, nor force their athletically-gifted daughter to take extra-credit classes in ancient Greek. They will, and should, encourage the bookish son to take some form of exercise and the athletic daughter to complete her studies as well as she is reasonably able. But they understand that true healthy balance for each child as an individual is not a zero-sum game – providing precisely the same amount of each kind of activity for each child, regardless of that child's natural inclinations, is simply not good parenting.

Similarly, M and I enjoy a relationship that allows us to follow our truest natures, meets our needs and fulfills and satisfies our desires. It is a relationship that strengthens both of us and allows both of us to grow and to experience great joy in our lives. And should our relationship fail to meet the criteria that either the politically correct or the moralistically conservative feel are necessary to be ‘healthy’ or ‘normal’... Well, then, in my humble opinion, that is simply an unforeseen but much appreciated bonus. Offending the dogmatic and hypocritical sensibilities of those on both the Right and the Left – and tweaking those who refuse to be honest, even with their own selves, in the pursuit of conformity to whatever ideology – is one of the smaller pleasures in life that every adult man and woman should be able to enjoy.

Max Maximovich

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