Is it a mistake to spank when angry?

This seems to be a touchy subject sometimes. It is something I had not had a lot of experience with until recently. My husband is not one to get angry very easily and we have found that since we have started down the Taken In Hand road that he is rarely angry with me any more. He once said that as soon as he decided to act, then his anger dissipated. It has been a nice side effect to the change in our relationship.

We had talked about it at the beginning. Would he spank me when he was still angry or not? We decided to do a wait and see. I have read that it is dangerous and abusive for a head of the household to spank when angry. I have read this many times, by people I respect. It makes sense on a certain level.

Recently my husband and I had a discussion that got a wee bit out of control. Well I think that is putting in mildly. It got a whole lot out of control. I do not think I have actually seen my husband as angry as he was in the 13 years since I have known him. I was mad, and I knew he was angry, but I pushed that one little bit more and he lost it. He decided to take me in hand right then and there.

It was sobering for me, but even when he was completely angry it turned out that I was safe with him. He did not get violent; he did not go beyond the bounds of what either of us thought was acceptable. It was the right decision. It ended with a fairly forceful spanking, a few tears, lots of cuddling and great sex. I think if he had waited to calm down, it would have lost some of its effect on us. It completely cleared the air and ended a discussion that was threatening our relationship. I was amazed. It would have been one of those problems that would have lasted for weeks, or more the way we used to be.

The fight was awful, but I am glad we had it. It turned out to be a very moving and powerful experience for us. It made it hit home for me how safe I am in this relationship. If he could stay the course here, we should be able to weather any storm. For us, my husband spanking while he was angry was not abusive at all. It turned out to be exactly the right decision for him to make. I guess if you are the kind of person who may lose control and hurt someone then obviously spanking when angry is wrong for you. We are no longer worried about it. It happened; and it was not a big deal. We no longer need to wonder what he should do. Following his instincts seems to work for us.

Tevemer

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2004 Dec 14 - 06:47 | login or register to post comments | latest article | previous article | next article |

Should you wait until you have cooled down?

As Tevemer so rightly says, the answer will be different for different people. Men fearful that they might lose control and do something terrible obviously should not risk it, and if the woman in question is easily scared, that might be another reason not to take her in hand physically while you are angry.

But in many cases, there is no reason to wait until you are no longer angry, and every reason to do it precisely when you are. In fact, some women find the coldness of being physically taken in hand when the man is no longer angry quite scary (and not in a good way!).

So as always, one size doesn't fit all.

by the boss on 2004 Dec 14 - 07:26 | login or register to post comments

Cooling down

My husband is not usually angry when he spanks me, but there was an occasion a few weeks ago when he was genuinely furious about something. Although he spanked me some hours after the incident occured, he was still very angry, and I felt it. It was the closest thing to a non-erotic spanking I've ever had, although perversely, that made it ultimately even more erotic for me. He was still in control though, and that made it very sexy, not frightening. The fact that nowadays he seems able to control his temper even when he is really angry with me is something I find utterly blissful.

by Louise C on 2004 Dec 14 - 07:57 | login or register to post comments

Safe, Even When He is Angry

LouiseC wrote, in part:

He was still in control though, and that made it very sexy, not frightening. The fact that nowadays he seems able to control his temper even when he is really angry with me is something I find utterly blissful.

This is the key to spanking when angry.

If the man stays in control of his anger and expresses it through the spanking, the woman receives the assurance that she is safe when he is angry. It allows her to feel - to directly experience - his anger.

This does not necessarily mean that he should spank harder or faster or longer when he is angry. In fact, a slower, sharper more deliberate spanking might be just the thing to really express how he really feels.

Anger is part of who we are. If we withhold it from our partners, we withhold part of ourselves.

by carlf on 2004 Dec 14 - 16:25 | login or register to post comments

A sobering experience

There is nothing inherently wrong with allowing anger to motivate a spanking. It seems right to me that we should allow a natural feeling like anger to be expressed in a constructive way. There is everything to gain if we channel our anger into an experience that has great potential to restore harmony. In fact it seems preferable to me to spank while motivated by anger rather than repressing one's anger. Of course as everyone who has commented have said, the angry man MUST be in control of himself. Tev wrote:

It was sobering for me, but even when he was completely angry it turned out that I was safe with him.

This is a beautiful moment in a Taken In Hand relationship when the woman learns that she can trust her husband even when he is angry. Tev is right, my wife feels safer with me knowing that this is true. Expressing my anger in a constructive way is a far better outcome than withdrawing or even worse arguing. Arguing and/or withdrawing does more harm to the relationship than any spanking will do. Too often when both husband and wife are angry at each other hurtful words are exchanged which causes far more damage to the individual and the relationship than a well spanked bottom will ever do. I don't see anything wrong with using and ultimately controling one's anger for what will be a far better outcome. As Tev said, after the spanking they ended up cuddling and having sex. Sounds like a happy ending to me.

by Stephen on 2004 Dec 14 - 19:12 | login or register to post comments

Admonition Not Intended for Adult Relationships

The admonition to never spank in anger was originally intended to govern the interaction between parents and children in which extremes of relative power and life experience exist. Curiously, when applied to adult relationships, there is seldom a corresponding admonition for a woman to never give a man a piece of her mind while she is still angry!

It must be remembered that women tend to admire men who do not take out their frustrations on women. While it is permissible to firmly take a woman in hand, doing so should be fair and justified. It should also be done for the purpose of improving the relationship.

by Noone on 2004 Dec 15 - 13:37 | login or register to post comments

I heard this from other Taken In Hand people

Hello Noone,

I actually heard the "never spank when you are angry" thing from other people in Taken In Hand relationships. It seemed that the people who expressed this idea thought it was not very gentlemanly. They thought it was against what Taken In Hand relationships were all about and actually I have read from others in Taken In Hand relationships, that if the man spanks in anger he does not really deserve to be the HOH. I am not sure if they were worried about political correctness or not. It is easy to just dismiss them as being politically correct and having never really thought about it. I never knew if I agreed or not with the idea. It seems on the surface quite logical. But through experience we have found this not to be the case. This is just us.

There must be people out there who understand spanking in anger to be wrong, unless everyone has changed their minds. Maybe I am just that convincing a writer?
:)

Take care,
Tevemer

by Tevemer on 2004 Dec 16 - 22:16 | login or register to post comments

But don't spank bums in anger, I heard her say...

Sorry for the title, in a mildly silly mood :-)

Tevemer,

My husband and I are just slowly starting to move away from the "don't spank in anger" idea. We went with that because we both felt it would be more effective if he was not angry when he spanked me, and he was initially worried he'd spank me more/harder than he felt I deserved if he did it in anger.

Fairly recently, there's been a couple of occasions when things have blown up too quickly for him to catch whilst he's still calm, and it's caused us to review the situation.

--

"There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so" Hamlet, somewhere.

by ConfusedOfHomeCounties on 2004 Dec 16 - 23:45 | login or register to post comments

Politically Correct and Anger

A woman's anger directed verbally at a man might hurt his feelings but isn't going to injure him physically. A man who spanks in anger might go too far and injure the woman. There is a difference. Let's compare apples to apples. I don't think the "politically correct" (gee I must be one of those awful beings) would be worried about a man's verbal anger. Similarly I have never heard the "PC" crowd condone a woman striking a man in anger but only in self-defense.

"Pat"

by "Pat" on 2004 Dec 17 - 06:20 | login or register to post comments

Anger and control

I think there is an important difference between loss of control and being angry. My husband can be angry and still be in control of the situation (so I have found recently), so that I still feel safe with him despite his anger. If he had spanked me when he was out of control, I think I would have found that frightening, but he didn't. He was angry, but he was still in control of himself, and therefore of me.

In the past, when he used to lose his temper and shout at me, I used to feel absolutely wretched, and now I realise that it was the loss of control rather than the anger that distressed me. I hated it when he lost control because I had this desperate need for him to be IN control. Finding that he can be angry but still be in charge of the situation has made a great difference to how I feel. I think you can still feel safe with a man if he's angry, provided he can keep control of his anger.

by Louise C on 2004 Dec 17 - 07:22 | login or register to post comments

To both Stephen and Pat

Stephen,

You wrote:

"Arguing and/or withdrawing does more harm to the relationship than any spanking will do. Too often when both husband and wife are angry at each other hurtful words are exchanged which causes far more damage to the individual and the relationship than a well spanked bottom will ever do."

This was definitely my experience with my late partner. While he was definitely an Alpha male, he expressed his anger in withdrawal. It was devastating for me, and for our relationship, when he did that. This is precisely the reason that I have reconsidered the spanking issue in terms of a future Taken In Hand relationship. I would so much rather be spanked than abandoned emotionally.

To Pat,

I don't know about other people, but the verbal abuse that I have experienced at the hands of significant others - all men - has been much more damaging to me in both the short and the long run than a spanking would have been. A verbal lashing is guaranteed to trigger every serious and psychologically damaging fear that I have - and always has me spinning out of control, anxious, panicky, lost.

Sure, I recognize that a man might spank too hard or too much, and that could be physically harmful, but I trust that I will choose someone who would not go over the line. I trust that I will choose someone more like Tevemer's husband - someone whom I can trust.

I'll take a spanking any day over verbal abuse, withdrawal, or other forms of psychological abuse. Any day...with someone I trust.

Sharon

by sarahdinah on 2006 May 10 - 16:47 | login or register to post comments

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