J's Girl, I understand your frustration and greatly sympathise.

On the other hand, (not sure if this applies to you, J's Girl, but your comment just made me think of it) those who are already married to a man might want to consider actively submitting, and giving the man as much experience of having authority and being obeyed as possible, because it is quite possible that a man could grow into taking a woman in hand this way.

For example, you could do things like asking him permission to do things, asking him when any decision needs to be made, and so on. Initially, it might feel really silly, and you might want to start slowly, but it seems entirely possible that taking such a course of action could help him get enough experience of being in charge to realise that he likes it.

And then, when he realises that he likes it, and starts to expect it, he may start taking you in hand of his own accord.

I thought the same thing! I did exactly what you suggest, and he did like it. For two months I did it. But when I started backing off to give him room to exercise the control he liked so much, he never picked up. Maybe two months wasn't enough. I wasn't looking for perfection, but just for him to want something of me.

You posted under another article that perhaps he was tired of hearing about Taken in Hand and I should back off. I will do that. I've sent some very thought provoking articles and emails to him. He'll need time to read and figure out what they mean to him.

I'm going to wait on him.

Thanks for the feedback.
J's Girl

I can totally relate to where you're at because I'm in a pretty similar place. The Beast was used to being dominated by past mates, and "beaten" into submission by social expectations of what a relationship "is supposed to be".

It's taken a lot of time and patience on my part to get him to a place where he's comfortable exercising his control. We've been together two years, I've been talking with him about this type of relationship dynamic for almost three, and it's only been a few months since he really found his "groove".

I also had to realize that I was trying to force my ideas of what our relationship should be on him. That I had to back-off, and let him figure-out how he wanted things to be. And that in doing so, I wasn't being less than I can be, I was being exactly what I wanted to be. Submission isn't "really" submission when you're doing it on your terms.

Funny thing, when I finally stopped fighting it, and gave in to his form of control, he started controlling things in the way that I was looking for as well.

Power

“I also think for at least some Taken In Hand women the necessity to be over powered physically or overpowered against their resistance is short term. Once they experience this consistently over a period of time, the control that is satisfying for them most is more psychosexual and emotional than physical.”

The key feature here is connection and, as Frank so astutely says, it is to do with the stages of the relationship. There is no denying that a man may have presence from the very first stages of the relationship and the woman may recognize this. Also in the first stages the relationship may be largely physical; erotically and understandably so!

However, still there seems to be a series of stages that couples go through; some stages being brief for some and for others the stages are a more extended situation. Notwithstanding all of this, the resultant, final stage is a state of balance between the feminine and the masculine, where the physical is important, but is subsumed to the Presence of the masculine authority to the submissive female femininity.

Some women and men may never experience the physical need to be dominated and submissive in a physical way. However to those who do feel this need it is a blissful, erotic and life-changing experience. The exchange of power and love that is involved in this intimate lifestyle cannot be reduced by mere labels of “spanking” and “submission”. But, whilst this may continue to be present, indeed may be the major form of connection between the couple, it is gradually diminished to be joined by the awareness that it is the feeling of ever-present authority and loving bonding that is important. Then, the psychosexual control, combined with the continuing exercise of physical connection that arises from the joint experience, is profound. Indeed very profound!!

I agree there are more less physical and, perhaps more subtle, forms of control but to many here the dynamic of the physical exchange of control is one of the primary and major features or a Taken In Hand relationship. As this control is established the more subtle, emotional means of exchange emerge, alongside the intensity of the physical correction or connection.

For many it may take the form of: the interchange of the intimate scents of each partner as they become aware of the perfume of their loved one; a feeling of weakness in the tummy as the partner says sweet words; key words of intimacy throughout the day that act as supercharged aphrodisiacs for the exchange of love; role playing that takes the breath away with its new found audacity in showing new aspects of the relationship; a slight brush of a finger against the thigh. The list can be extensive but the key feature is the bond of masculine and feminine that has been established through the exchange of loving power of a Taken In Hand relationship, where the bonds are secure, satisfying and consensually satisfying.

I agree wholeheartedly that in a Taken In Hand relationship the lady wishes to be loved, led and overpowered and the male wishes for a feminine, yet strong lady, to dominate and cherish as his woman for the rest of his life.

Thank you. Daveaze.

We had to start somewhere, and we started with what I needed/wanted in our relationship. So I gave him my ideas on what taken in hand meant to me. I tried to let him see the benefits a taken in hand relationship could bring to him…sexually available, deferring to his wishes, him feeling more catered to, more considered, me being calmer and feeling more peaceful and relaxed and safe. He liked all that, but it felt like me playing both sides, being the submissively dominant one. So I backed off, and what little control was happening, stopped. Next thing I knew, I was running all over him again and he was letting me.

I can't count the hours that I spent frustrated by this very type of thing. And more than once I considered ending the relationship because, from my point of view, he just wasn't getting it.

Then I realized that everyone is different. Some men fall into this role naturally, and quickly. Others, like mine, need time and reassurance to be able to assume the role, no matter how well it suites them.

It's tough when you're ready to dive in, and they're dipping their toes in the water! It's tough to find that submissive place when you're having to guide them, and you know if you stop, they'll let you run over them.

But there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Even if, like me, you lose sight of it sometimes. And that is that he enjoys the role of head-of-house, though it maybe you that's doing the work to put him there right now.

With mine, it started with occasional glimpses of him feeling his dominance fully. Then those glimpses became more frequent. Now, years later, it's finally(big sigh) becoming a constant. It was hell for me at times, but we got here.

I've tried very hard to not seem like I'm trying to tell you how to handle your relationship. If it comes across that way, I apologize, that's not my intent. As I said in my previous post, I can totally relate to what you're going through. So I'm just hoping that by telling you about what we went through, and how we handled it, you'll find some relief from the frustration. A little reassurance that you can get there, no matter what path you take.

Try to keep your eye on the prize, even when the situation at hand is driving you nuts. Easier said than done sometimes, I know, but so worth it in the long-run.