Certainly not mine. All of these things would terrify me. Having physical force used against me invariably makes me angry and frightened, on the very few occasions in our marriage when my husband did attempt to use force against me, the consequences were disastrous.

I wouldn't do any of these things to a woman unless you are absolutely sure that this sort of thing is her cup of tea, and I certainly wouldn't advise punching the wall; you could end up with a broken hand.

Yes, good point; I absolutely agree that the man should first find out whether the woman enjoys this sort of thing before doing it. But I think it's possible to explore that in a playful, gentle way at first - maybe wrestle around in bed and pin her down, or stand there hugging her firmly and not let her go until she says 'please.' If she doesn't really like this, then it should be obvious. If she does like it, that should be obvious, too; and then he can slowly ramp up the intensity. What bothers me is that so few men even bother to try and find out if I like it. And I like it more than just about anything except sex; and I also know that I'm not alone in this inclination, by any means.

I remember when I first signed up for a karate class, this woman about my age started talking to me about a 'friend' of hers who enjoys karate, and she confided in a whisper: "I think she really just likes it when men push her around and get rough with her." At the time I feigned total ignorance, I blinked, and said something neutral like "Hm, how about that." But I think from the gleam in this other woman's eye, that she already had my number; and I think that her 'friend' she was talking about was herself. I'm not sure why she would be seeking out a kindred spirit; maybe she was one of those subs who likes to round up other subs for their Dom to play with. I never did find out, but she made a number of similar remarks to me during the course of the class, which confirmed my impression that she was both talking about her own submissive inclinations and also trying to get me to confess to mine.

I'm not sure why some women find this sort of thing terrifying, while others of us find it thrilling and sexy. Maybe I just have a higher threshold for terror; but given how I jump at spiders, I doubt that. And I just enjoy being frightened in this one particular way, by a strong dominant male, and I really dislike being frightened in any other way. I just mentioned in another post that I need to experience both total trust in the man, as well as vivid fear of his power. Without both of those, it would not be appealing at all. And the fear is there at a more subconscious, instinctual, gut level; while the trust is there on a conscious level. Somehow when they're both together, it awakens my deepest erotic love.

Anyway, most of the tactics I mentioned above should only be used once it's well-established that the woman actually enjoys this sort of thing. A man needs to lead up to that more gently in order to find that out first. Also, all of the things above should only be done in private, not public; because you don't want somebody getting alarmed and calling the cops. But once that sort of forceful male dominance is established, then there are also a number of more subtle gesture that one can use in public, to reinforce it. I recently mentioned that a man can take a woman firmly by the wrist in public, as a gesture of control; unless people look closely, it will just appear that they're holding hands. And I also like some playful arm-wrestling in public, like at a restaurant booth. (Just be sure to move the breakable dishes to where they won't get whacked when he pins your arm down. Also, even this little thing has the potential for minor injury if he pins your arm too quickly or forcefully; so it's something to start easy, and then ramp up.)

One thing that I really love is for a man to put his arm around my neck or shoulder as a caress, then clench his fist and rub it gently against my cheek. There is just something about having a man's big, hard, tightly clenched fist rubbing softly against my face that puts me into instant submissive bliss. This could also work as a ritual dominance signal; there could be a standing agreement that when the man does that, then the woman must discreetly brush her lips over his knuckles and kiss his fist as a sign of her submission. (Of course, there needs to be very real physical consequences if she refuses to comply with a kiss when signalled. Maybe he would take her by the wrist and forcibly lead her out of the place, and/or maybe it would ensure a very painful spanking later on.)

As for your concern about a man injuring himself by punching the wall - that's why I said that he should first find out what the wall is made of. It's easy enough to do this just by hammering a nail into it, or using a wood screw. If it's a solid plaster wall (not to mention brick or concrete!) - then, yeah, don't punch it. But many or most houses these days are made of lath and plaster, and that's pretty soft by comparison. If the walls are plaster and he still wants to put his fist through something, check out the doors. Inside doors are often just two very thin sheets of plywood, with a lot of air in between them. Bad news is, it's a lot harder to patch a door than a wall. If he wants to demonstrate his manly strength without having to do home repairs, there's always the old trick of crushing a steel can in one hand. But slamming the wall with the flat of his hand would also be effective, and won't require re-plastering the wall.

- Dee

I think you would need to discuss this sort of thing beforehand. I am one of those who might enjoy a few swats (or in my case quite a lot of swats), but I would become very upset at being pinned to the bed with a forearm.

But for me it is the mental rather than physical control that is the turn on. That my husband is stronger than me I have always known. What I find exciting is the fact that he can bring me to a state of submission by the use of an authoratative manner rather than by brute force.

The wall thing might work in the US, but in the UK almost all houses are built of solid brick (I think anything else would probably disintegrate in the rain), and there would definitely be a danger of broken hands.

Except for the wall punching, i do not see anything wrong with what this man is doing, He is after all, a man.

if a man cannot assert his dominance in a relationship then he might as well don a skirt and do some dishes.

I do not agree with a man seriously hurting his wife; I do however believe he should be able to have some form of power over her. If she is truly submissive then who is she to say no?

Also, everyone is different and entitled to live the way they wish however, it seems odd for women to proclaim themselves submissive yet not to wish for their husband to dominate them.

If you chose this type of life then you should accept it not try to bend the rules to suit yourself.

Personally, if my husband could not control me and was not as dominating as he is then I would not respect him as I do. He is also loving, caring and patient. He treats me both as his submissive wife and princess, helps guide me and disciplines me when I need it and is also my best friend.

For this, I have a great deal of love and respect for him.

Felicia
Submission is beautiful not binding.

I just discovered this website a few days ago and have spent hours reading it when I should have been sleeping I love it, love all the discussion and the level of intelligence and I have to say I LOVE LOUISE's comments, I can totally identify with her and she is funny.

Go Louise, GO!! Adelle

Your post was interesting and I liked some of the things you said, but I'd be terrified if my husband slapped the wall by my head. What I like, (I think) is a show of force. By that I mean he does those things that you describe, but doesn't HURT me. I like the idea of being physically taken in hand by his sheer brute (not brutal) strength, and taken OTK forcibly. However, he is not one to do that very often. His take on it is that I'm the one who asked for this, and when it's that time, it will be in HIS WAY, the position HE decides, the number of smacks HE wants to give. In other words, I gave him the idea, the knowledge of what I like, but he doesn't want me topping from the bottom.

However, for an inexperienced man in the art of D/s, sometimes they need to be guided in how these things are carried out, and what their partner needs. I need the scolding, the lecture, making me feel sorry before it even starts, and then the spanking itself does not need to be that severe. I'm not out for more than a bright pink glow. ~smiles~

nightangel

While I think many things in this article were dead on, I have to comment on the punching of the pillow next to the woman's head, or punching the wall.

My man is amazing, and can make me feel very physically controlled without showing any signs of violence. He is very firm, but would never do anything to seriously scare me or hurt me. However, I would be terrified if he punched a wall or anything near my head. This seems to be extreme and a gesture of violence and lack of self control.

He agrees with me. He can make his point quite easily by pulling my hair, holding me tightly while squeezing my bottom, taking me over his knee, or just generally pinning me down.

I enjoyed the article, but I would advise against the punching of any object.

I think I need some alone time now *cough* ;)

(your article blew my mind. i'm speechless and.. well, yea. Thank you for a very well written article! *blush*)

Wow, it's been quite a while since I wrote this little article, and some interesting responses have come in. As predicted, some women are turned on by a man being physically forceful and intimidating (and thank you for your compliments on the article), and some women are not; and some women enjoy some of the tactics described but not others. Pity the poor man who is deluded enough to ask the question "What do women want?"

I would like to address some of the responses to the more dramatic and forceful gestures I suggested, such as the man slamming the wall near her head, or punching a pillow next to her head.

Nightangel wrote:

Your post was interesting and I liked some of the things you said, but I'd be terrified if my husband slapped the wall by my head. What I like, (I think) is a show of force. By that I mean he does those things that you describe, but doesn't HURT me.

Of course, I was not suggesting that the man do anything to actually hurt the woman. That was the whole point: to intimidate and frighten her, and push her into submission, WITHOUT hurting her. Nothing that I described here is dangerous or harmful at all; so I'm having some trouble understanding why some people seem to think it is.

What his forceful tactics of intimidation are intended to do is to evoke her FEAR, yes. Why? Because some submissive women find it very erotic and thrilling to be frightened by the sheer brute strength of a powerful man; and because some dominant men enjoy intimidating a woman in this manner and watching her tremble and cower in submission.

The fact that not all people find this erotic is not an indication that none of us do, or that we should not feel this way. I don't particularly care for spankings, although I'd probably tolerate it if it wasn't too painful. But the fact that I don't much enjoy spankings does not mean that nobody else should.

ATIHR-#1 wrote:

I would be terrified if he punched a wall or anything near my head. This seems to be extreme and a gesture of violence and lack of self control. ...I would advise against the punching of any object.

I would be terrried, too. The difference is that my terror of the man would feel deeply erotic and thrilling to me. (By way of contrast, I would not feel aroused at all if he pointed a knife or a gun at me, even though I would also find that terrifying. Because in that case it would not be the physical strength of his masculine body that I feared, but rather an inanimate object. I have no erotic attraction to inanimate objects, so there is no thrill for me in being afraid of them.)

So the man punching something near my head is indeed terrifying and even "extreme" as you say -- and that's exactly why it's so thrilling to me. But is it "violent"?? Not if one restricts the word "violence" to something that causes actual physical harm; in that case, it's much less violent than even the most gentle spanking. But people often use the word "violent" to refer to an extreme of passion, and not just the infliction of physical harm. In that case, it would be violent; but since I think extreme passion is a good thing, that implies that sometimes "violence" is good.

But it does not at all indicate a "lack of self-control." The whole reason why he's punching something next to her head, instead of punching her in the face, is precisely because he DOES have control over it. I agree that it would be unappealing in the extreme if the man had no self-control; because then I could not trust him, and I can enjoy being terrified by his strength only if I can feel sure that he won't actually cause me any serious injuries.

ATIHR-#2 wrote:

I agree with you that punching things seems a bit too violent and scary to me. My husband, also agrees. He has no desire to scare me. When things move toward a position where he feels that he needs to assert some control. He never does anything frightening...

If a woman does not enjoy being frightened of her man's strength, then the man should probably not frighten her in that way; that only makes sense. But if they both enjoy it when he intimidates her into submission, then that's one more thing that can add sizzle and spice to the romance.

Hera wrote:

Bit of brute force for fun from time to time is fine but if someone is angry then I need someone who can control that and indeed walk away rather than hit a wall.

I could see this scenario working in either a playful context or a truly angry one; although the feeling would be very different depending on the context. And I want a man who can control his temper, too. But I would much prefer it if he controlled his anger by slamming the wall than by just walking away. Why? First, because I find it sexually arousing to be intimidated by his strength, as I said. Secondly, if he just walks away then he seems like a wuss to me, and I would lose respect for him. Third, because if he just walks away then we're both likely to remain angry. (If anger was what precipitated the scenario, as opposed to erotic play.)

If he deals with his anger by slamming the wall or punching a pillow, then that releases and dissipates his pent-up anger, which is healthy for him. If he does that in my vicinity, then it also moves me instantly from the emotion of anger to the emotion of fear, and it evokes my total submission and erotic desire. That changes the dynamic of the interaction in a heartbeat. It ceases to be a contest of wills, or whatever else was going on up until then, and it suddenly becomes a very heated erotic moment that may well end up in the bedroom. Can you think of a quicker or better way to end a fight? I can't.

That does not mean that whatever issue we were arguing about prior to that is all settled, of course; relationships do involve some thorny problems that need to be dealt with sooner or later. But if the anger is suddenly transformed into erotic passion, then that strengthens the relationship rather than tearing it further apart. Sometimes it is not a contentious issue itself that threatens the marriage, so much as it is the anger and bitterness that get built up around it. And if the man's use of forceful tactics can transform his anger into an erotic feeling of power and dominance, and transform her anger into a feeling of erotic fear and submissive bliss, then that's some of the best medicine around.

Maybe this is similar to the way that some couples use spanking to end an argument and reinforce the man's dominance. But for me that would probably not do it. I am not sufficiently terrified of spankings; they just seem mildly silly and amusing to me. I suppose a man could conceivably spank me hard enough, and cause pain sufficiently intense that I would be terrified of spankings forever afterwards. But I would really dislike that idea, because I don't like extreme pain at all; I have never been a masochist. Even if a spanking were so painful that I developed a fear of it, then threatening me with that still would not be an erotic experience for me; no more than threatening me with a gun or knife would be erotic.

So, really, I would guess that the key difference here is not in what sorts of things we do or don't find frightening or terrifying; the main difference, I would guess, is in what we find erotic and what we don't.

Interesting. My man isn't that much taller than me: he's certainly heavier and stronger, but much of his everyday dominance is mental rather than physical. Although some of the really subtle reminders of his greater strength: the wrist holding my hand as we walk; the caress of my face that turns into a clenched fist; wrapping my hair around his hand to pull my head slightly back, put me too, as DeeMarie said, into "instant submissive bliss". And I do enjoy him being rough, I do surrender to his strength: the fact that he can pick me up and throw me on the bed, or push me hard against a wall, absolutely delights me, and makes me want to instantly submit.

But for me, too, "hitting the wall by my head" would terrify me in a bad way - not the meltingly delicious erotic terror, but real, frozen, fear. Deeply as I trust him, it would instantly put me, not into "sub-space", but into the mind of a crying, frightened, child. That level of terror is not what I want from our relationship. It's interesting that a simple, physical act, which doesn't actually touch or harm me, can cross the line so easily.

And then, writing this, I wonder. We've both - together and in previous relationships - flirted with S/M and role-play before: "Taken in Hand" is different, and new to us, and something that we're exploring on a much deeper level. I have great trust in him: his emotional and his physical control, his firmness of purpose. Maybe from him I'd be able to accept it?

It's new to me, and thought-provoking: thank you.

I'm sure the things mentioned by Dee would be enjoyed by some women, but I would absolutely hate them. I prefer my husband to keep to spanking, I don't want him to mix it up. Before you do mix it up, be sure you've got a woman who wants it mixed.

Louise

To round out the practicum re push me into the wall you sexy beast: I'll make the obvious suggestion about accidental skullcracking (an event likely to snap one out of the erotic).

Dude: with your non-flailing hand, grab her hair by the roots, your fist as head-cradle, on the crash into the wall. Control the tilt of her lovely face into your blazing eyes, perhaps wrenching, perhaps a synchronized lift to your inexorable steps. Then sweeten to taste all the wall smacking/cymbal crashing/simian noises you want. You brute.

Chica: tremble, shudder, make appropriate noises -- or else!

Dansk

As sexy as a man who knows martial arts, is a Taken In Hand women who knows Yoga. I have seen some of the behavior DeeMarie is talking about. However, to make it even more interesting, while lying on the bed he can pin one leg by my head. Or when up against a wall, he can turn me around, put my head down by the floor and have my bum in a very vulnerable position. OK guys, don't get any rash ideas, but if you see your women doing yoga, you could ask yourself, how could we make that pose more interesting. Yes, I really like the "throwing his weight around" display of dominance.