Blush, I agree with what you said in that there is room under the "Taken In Hand" umbrella for both relationships that are "letter of the law" and "spirit of the law" based, and each couple needs to decide where their relationship falls. And while I would not go so far as to say that fudging on your "nap time" is the same as lying, I think it could play at the corners of trust, which is fundamental in any "Taken In Hand" relationship.

I do not live in a Taken In Hand relationship currently, but at one time I was in a relationship where my B/f presented me with various requirements which I didn't agree with, but complied with simply because I trusted him. It wasn't until that relationship ended and I went back to doing things "my way" that I realized the wisdom of his decisions, and that they were really designed more to protect me than anything. I found myself wishing I'd stuck with his plan even without him (and could have saved myself a lot of hurt if I had).

I don't think that we should blindly accept any rules presented to us, but I think when someone works as hard as your Gary has to be worthy of your trust, and so obviously has your best interests at heart in every decision he makes, that giving him the benefit of the doubt and doing the "little things" even when you're not totally on board with it at the time is the least you can do. (Plus, I just really like my naps... if you don't want 'em, I'll take 'em! ;))

Thinking a bit more about this subject, there is also the security aspect. If a man knows a woman really well - maybe he knows that even if she doesn't believe she needs the nap, he's aware she needs to slow down and take more care of herself - this would make it an extremely loving and caring thing to do.

Lois Lane.

Blush and ladies, This is what my wife and I call pushing at the walls. This is how this dynamic takes place when this occurs in our relationship. At points in time I will not take a back seat, but maybe loosen up the boundaries for lack of a better term. "Preoccupied" might be another way to put it. When that happens in our relationship my wife will then start to crave attention. This is not in a bratting way but I feel she is reaching a point of wanting to feel my presence and feed off the dominance that she is accustomed to having at her disposal.

I am of the opinion that once given the power that Blush speaks of in her fifth paragraph of her article it is the leader of the relationship's responsibility to recognize this type of behaviour and or any other abnormal behaviour and address it properly.

I am also of the opinion that the head of the household or leader of the relationship at least in my case, has three main responsibilities when taking control of the relationship. Those being my wife's health, safety and welfare. I am very rigid when it comes to these aspects. My wife, like most, has a rebellious side to her and also is very independent, but she desires those walls surrounding her and when she feels that they are not there and rock solid she will begin to push at them just to see how far they can be pushed.

Respectfully, Race

Race, I do the same things and for the same reason: to feel my mate's love, care and concern for me. I think of it as pushing to be put back in my box. I want the walls, I want the boundaries and limitations. It's one very important way I feel loved and cherished. For me, pushing is not a way for me to talk to him about adjusting a particular requirement. I push because I need to feel the solidity and strength of the walls. Flexibility and pushing are two different things to me.

Jett's Girl

It's not fair to think that Gary makes me nap for no reason.

When Gary got me, 6 years ago, I am a whirlwind of activity. Not because I have to, but because it stops me from thinking and being self destructive. It also gives me the validation I crave for being productive. However, saying all this, I also have come from abuse where my ex managed to move my main thigh bone over some. I have had an operation to realign the bone, but the damage is so severe that the only way to preserve what I have is to rest it. I have had more surgeries and other boring stuff to keep me on my feet (pun here..) but my pain level goes through the roof and my attitude is still that I like to be productive. Gary on the other hand wants me happy and relaxed. And the only way to keep me relaxed, is too keep me healthy. And to keep me healthy, it means keeping my hands off myself! Crazy, but I died the first time he caught my self destructive attitude and said the words out loud! So he insists (almost demands) that I take care by resting. That allows me to do my domestic type chores. You know, parent, make dinner, stay alive after dinner and chat. And frankly my bed has become a family affair. If you want to find me, and yes Gary has actually seen the mattress bounce up and down as I've heard him coming down the hall and I've dived in bed just before he comes in, then come and have a chat on the bed with me. We've upgraded to a nice big king size and a lot can happen there.

And for the longest time I was resentful that I had to rest so much. But time showed I would actually fall asleep for periods and feel better at the end of the day as a result. So how can I argue that?

Now, if we really want to nitpick, then we can change the subject to when he demands that I wear what he prefers. It's back to his holding the strength and his word is final, but I still have my fun. You know he told me to wear something sexy but comfortable to go to lunch in today. So I slipped into this little 'slut' dress (I call it that - all straps and stretch and very tight) with nothing underneath. Now that is comfort! Did you now that nap time came early today?...

It's all in the perception....Blush

Gary has told me that there are scores of women who would probably have jumped at the chance to 'rest' if instructed. That always amazes me. I have to decorate or organize in my head to relax so I know what I am going to do next when I get the chance to get up. On the other hand, I don't hear anyone complaining about the way I run this house or living in lovely things and it's always neat and tidy and dinner is always really nice. But you have to give Gary credit. That man has given me chance after chance to do things my own way. But I will flitter away hour after hour doing 'stuff', and it's all important. But if he absolutely makes me lie down for an hour, it's likely I will sleep. I usually am tired at many points through the day. I just slog through them. The next goal attained. So it's not like I haven't explained and explained. He is well aware.

But he is successful and I am not at self regulating me. So he can look after me better than I can. I give him that. Actually I usually tire him out when he does stuff with me that he insists I wait till he can do it. What it comes down to is that I learned long ago that Gary really loves me. And while some of his rules are annoying (he thinks I'm so ballsy for calling it that) they do work and he only does things because he loves me. Now why would I argue (much) with that?

....Blush

reading a grown woman question whether she should feel like 'a brat' just because she doesn't always take the two 90 minute nappytimes prescribed by her husband...has it really gotten to the point where you doubt your own judgement that much? that's crazy!!! you have the right to your own autonomy, and if you don't feel like laying down, why should you? that's 3 hours a day of idle time...if you're sleeping 8 at night that's 11 total...almost half the day!

i am surrendered to my husband and he is to me, and we talk like equals, and each contribute our own strengths and give in easily when the other is right, or when there is a need. the love we have is deep, and it isn't a childish battle of wills. i respect him deeply, and i know that he would never resort to physical punishment, or any punishment, because he is fully mature, and so am i. he exerts no coercion over me, no fear, no judgement - only I love him so much that it is easy to serve him, and he serves me. I trust my own judgement and feel more sure, more strong every day.

I agree with Blush and it`s really frustrating to read that one taken in hand woman is telling another taken in hand woman that she is being childish just because her relationship is different.

The love my husband and I have for each other is very deep too, followed by trust and respect for each other. I don`t want to be equal to him, I want him to be in charge, I don`t want him to give in easily when he thinks he`s right. His judgement is usually pretty good and he will listen to my suggestions - always. But I want him to make the final decisions, not because I`m not capable of them but because I want a man who is in control. And yes there is punishments if I disobey him, not because I enjoy them but because it makes me a better person and brings us even closer together.

I would not want to live any other way, because the way we live is exciting. Just surrendering with him not having to put any kind of efford behind it would be totally boring for both of us. Call it childish or call it crazy, all I can say is that we have a relationship that many of our friends would wish to have, just because they see how happy we are together. The details of our relationship I would never talk over with friends though. so they keep on wondering what we are doing right.

Autumn

I totally agree with Autumn..I was married to my husband for a year, with constant verbal battles over silly things, that actually he knew better about. Until I read an article about wives being spanked for the sake of the relationship. So after one of our silly arguments I said, OK, I'm sorry, spank me. He did. long and hard too. After this, we have had a much better marriage. I let him have control, and I get soundly spanked if I step out of what was in our agreement. I now sit back and enjoy him being in control, we have a much more harmonious marriage. I don't see myself as being weak or even submissive, I see myself as a wife who puts her husband and her marriage high on the list of importance. Like Autumn. We don't discuss it with friends, but we have a wonderful marriage now which I'd never change for the world.

Just a comment reading this thread through, as well as others...but isn't it funny how human nature is? It doesn't matter the label or heading of the group you are in... If you are in a group of human beings, SOMEONE is going to say someone else is doing it wrong.

This can be very frustrating to people, because you want to find that group where you fit. But there is no such group. You find those people within the group you fit with and try not to worry about the rest. Or hope that you can learn something from those you disagree with. Or that their arguments will help you to understand your own better.

I guess in some way I find this liberating. The extreme differences in views is everywhere, including here. I think sometimes that extreme variety and difference of philosophy and practice gives everybody more space to be themselves because there's just no way to prove or find the "one true way."

Knowing there is no "one true way," it's nice to know that all ways are just "one way."