First of all, thank you very much, Louise, for your posting. I'm a male reader who is working with his wife of a couple of decades to re-establish the male dominant dynamics that made our several year pre-marriage dating period so pleasurable for both of us. As such, I'm actively seeking information about what works and doesn't work for others so that I can evaluate what may be appropriate for our situation.

Anyway, the reason for my follow up comment is to inquire about a reaction I had to your posting above. While there were other thoughts and ideas expressed, one central theme seemed to be that you respond so much better to your husband now that he addresses you with a calm, direct demeanor rather than exhibiting an out-of-control form of anger or frustration. One of your other posts mentions that your husband has a very short temper which I presume has been tempered by following a Taken In Hand approach. I, too, have a short temper to which my wife has never responded well. Now that I am very consciously working on not snapping at her or reacting with such a short fuse and am, instead, only raising concerns when I feel they are real concerns and am only doing it with a calm, measured delivery, I receive a much more satisfactory response from my wife. This seems to mirror some of the experiences you have described with your husband.

Okay, that's background to my question. You seem to indicate that you think the calm, direct verbal strength of will (rather than either physical force or tirade) allows you to respond in a happy, submissive way. As I understand your explanation (and I don't wish to put words in your mouth so please correct me if I mistate your experiences or thoughts), the reason you respond so well to your husband's new approach is because that approach does not trigger any sense of fear which a verbal tirade or physical show of force might. In other words, his calm, direct, verbally forceful demeanor not only clearly communicates his thoughts and guidance but also allows you to really hear him and follow that guidance without any concern or fear of harm to yourself. In other words, although you may be being disciplined or punished, you still feel safe and know that what is happening is for your own good and for the good of your marriage.

Now here's my question. Your explanation sounds very reasonable to me. But I wonder whether there isn't at least one other reason (if not others) you respond so favorably to his new approach. The other reason I'm thinking of, and here's where I'm struggling to put it clearly and succinctly, is that such a delivery exhibits his quiet resolve that leaves no room for argument. In other words, he is laying down the law (in the nicest of ways, of course) that at some psychological level leaves you with the clear understanding that "this is the way it is" and that, as a result, "there will be no argument about this."

I'm not sure I'm communicating this very clearly, but my thought is that such a calm, controlled, clear, direct delivery not only displaces any potential fear that may have arisen in you if delivered in a more hostile manner, but also sends a very strong message that there is nothing to discuss or challenge. It is absolute.

It seems to me such a calm, direct delivery almost begs to be followed rather than challenged. Particuarly when delivered to a wife who is naturally independent and anti-authoritarian who may automatically rebel against any sort of overblown presentation of rules & decrees or emotional outrage & upset. My own wife always fights authority yet seems quite happy to follow my directions when delivered in a calm way especially when it is clear that it is for her own well-being and betterment.

I guess I'm curious to hear from other women what they think of this. And I'm particularly interested to hear your thoughts, Louise, because so much of your descriptions of your situation seems to mirror that of my wife and my marriage.

Sorry if this reads like a rambling post but I am working hard on being a better husband and much about the taken in hand approach seems so right for my marriage and the relationship dynamics that have worked well for me and my wife in the past. As others have said, so much about taken in hand is the way my wife and I had been doing certain things (although we've sort of fallen off the wagon for many years and are only now trying to get back on it) but we did not have any sort of name for it other than considering ourselves somehow more traditional. So, as an aside, thank you to everyone who posts on this forum as it is very helpful to hear from others what has worked and not worked for them and especially to hear from women their perspective on these issues.

Louise wrote, "...a quiet, firm tone of voice that invariably made me put down the book immediately, and to feel pleasure, rather than resentment at being told what to do".

"He doesn't shout at me, he just uses that quiet firm tone which I find produces a calming effect on me".

My husband and I were discussing Louise' post last night and had to agree that it is the firmness of tone in a man's voice that delivers. Steadfastness of purpose conveyed by a calm manner seem to achieve more than the aggressive approach. The latter method evokes a rebellious response in me too!

It's also interesting to observe the effect of the male voice on children and even animals like pet dogs. The deep voice register of a man seems to more readily capture their attention.

All the best!

Just one more thing...

Knowing what you want is so important. I relate to the confusion Louise described,

"I've never liked being told what to do, so how could I want a man to tell me what to do? And if I did want him to tell me what to do, why did I dislike it when he did? It was all rather confusing really. Now I have it clear in my mind what I want..."

I think part of this confusion may stem from the way we are socialized. We receive confusing messages as we develop into women that often conflict with our primal biological and psychological needs.

Finding this site has definitely helped me define what I need in a relationship. While one party remains confused, what hope is there for marital harmony? Self-awareness and acceptance are also so important.

OK, this is the second time I have seen this term here on Taken In Hand.

What is "PMT"? I am familiar with "PMS" - (Pre-Menstral Syndrome). What does the "T" stand for?

We now return you to your regularly scheduled posting...

Thanks,
Talon

My husband and I have recently introduced a Taken in Hand relationship. We tried something along these lines several years ago but it was more of a sexual thing for my husband and not really the way I wanted it so we stopped. Recently I found some articles that perfectly explained what I was really wanting and he read them. Instantly he understood and he felt this is what he also wanted.

I have noticed though that during my period, I really cannot help how emotional I feel. I do not get disrespectful or anything like that but my view of things does get a bit altered. I am much more emotional. My wonderful husband does not insist that I resist my urge to feel emotional, he instead helps me through it by being very supportive and sensitive. He buys me flowers, chocolates and rents me chick flicks. I mean he does this every single time and it makes me feel so loved and cared for. How could I possibly be demanding or bratty with such a loving husband like that? If I do slightly step over the line he will remind me quite firmly that once I am no longer on my period I will have to face the consequences for my actions so I usually think about that and rein it in. He has swatted me a few times but not much. I get major backaches, cramps etc. so there is no way he would put me through the physical harshness of a spanking during my period. If he did that, I do not think I would feel loved or cared for and I would find it hard to continue to respect him. It takes a great deal of integrity and honesty to be the man of the house. I think you just cannot spank out the effects of hormones. I believe that a Taken in Hand relationship involves just as much tenderness and understanding as it does firmness and the occasional discipline spanking.

Donna

Donna said

"I think you just cannot spank out the effects of hormones. I believe that a Taken in Hand relationship involves just as much tenderness and understanding as it does firmness and the occasional discipline spanking."

We use spanking for connection far more than we do for discipline. A premenstral spanking is not about punishment. It gives me a calm peeaceful feeling and a release. My partner has tried being kind soothing and appeasing. It just serves to make me even more angry and irritable and I just want him to go away and leave me alone (that's putting it very politely). After a connecting/release spanking I feel all lovely and calm and want to snuggle up next to him. It's so much nicer than feeling angry inside. I am fortunate that I don't get cramps so the spanking does not cause me any discomfort in that way just a warm stingy behind. :-)

We initally started PMT spanking after reading a post from Louise. At first my partner was not at all sure as he thought it would be a bit cruel and was concerned it may just make me even more stroppy. After discussion of the pros and cons we gave it a go and found much to our surprise that it worked wonderfully. We now use spanking as a form of stress relief too. When I'm getting stressed about work or other matters it brings my focus back to the most important thing in our lives and that is our connection and our relationship.

sully