Jeff, thank you! I really loved this article. I feel like you've expressed very eloquently a lot of my feelings about the kind of relationship I strive for. I particularly like what you say about Mr Grey in "Secretary" (but of course!) and agree with you that "taking in hand" is fundamentally about expressing active and deep-rooted care for our partner, and not about dominance for dominance's sake.

You ask "Can the sensation of surrender not be sparked by being bathed, being held, being massaged, being caressed, or having your coat buttoned?" and I agree with you whole-heartedly in saying "Yes!" One of the greatest pleasures of being a dominant man in a Taken in Hand relationship is the licence one is given to be able to truly cherish your beloved. For me this is not because cherishing is a way of expressing control, but rather that because so many other boundaries are broken down, much greater intimacy is possible. We live in a very individualistic age and I believe that this experience of giving and receiving true intimacy is one that many of us long for -- I also believe that for those of us who are inclined towards this kind of relationship, it can be a very successful way of achieving that.

I also think that you've hit on one of the fundamental paradoxes in this kind of relationship that I've been exploring for myself, when you say that "you cannot influence someone's personal sovereignty without surrendering some of your own sovereignty." For me this is one of the most important areas in which I find myself differing from my more BDSM-oriented brothers and sisters. In classic BDSM relationships (where the male is dominant) the master is served by his slave, whereas in the kind of Taken in Hand relationship I most want, the dynamic actually flows the other way. Although I am the dominant partner, I am very much in service to my lady. I'm not in service to her ego or her whims (although at times it is very lovely to enjoy indulging those),

but to her needs. My role in the relationship is to love, protect, enourage, nurture and empower and my lady so that she may become more fully and more joyously herself, not to dominate her for my own pleasure or for the greater glory of Max.

This is another way in which our relationship is (healthily) unequal, and in a way that I don't usually hear in discussions of male dominance: My obligations to my lady are far greater than hers to me. Not that I never want to be taken care of (and not of course that I don't expect the common respect and goodwill I expect of anyone I'm in a caring relationship with),

but the dynamic of the relationship is this: my lover grows through being able to receive my love as fully as she is able and I grow through learning to love as well as I can.

(Due to lack of a better vocabulary, I'm using words like woman, man and girl where I should maybe have said 'the partner taken in hand' and the 'partner taking in hand', but please forgive me for the sake of readability)

I think Jeff is on to some of what this is all about.

I've been in a couple of different relationships with a 'taken in hand' part. One of the things I've learned, is that what this brings to a relationship varies a great deal depending on the partners involved.

In my current relationship, I think it's mostly about providing a feeling of safety. That someone is in charge of making things good where we've taken a wrong turn. Making sure she's well cared for, and making sure she feels it. Making sure she knows I will never leave her, because I'm strong enough to handle her, even when she pushes the limits.

Sometimes there can be a use of physical force, even against her will.

I think anyone who's been so down and depressed it numbs you completely, you stop caring for yourself, and just want to cut (or however you deal) knows what I'm talking about.

The feeling of knowing that there's someone who loves you enough to be there for you, even when you're doing your best to push them away.

The feeling of sitting down in the tub, your partner gently washing every part of you, when you just want to hide in a dark corner by yourself.

And yes, the feeling that someone will handle you in a safe way when you test their limits too far, instead of turning abusive, or leaving.

I've read a lot of different comments on the woman being 'weak', while the man being 'strong'. I've never seen a need for a woman to be weak in this kind of relationship. I would however argue that it is in part about giving the girl the security of knowing things will be oki if she does have a weak moment. A moment where she isn't able to handle herself, or her responsibilities. The feeling of being cared for, and not constantly having to be the strong head of the household.

It's also about giving the man the authority to live up to this responsibility. Noone is perfect, and living in a relationship with a constant power-struggle has proven over and over to be exhausting, and making it hard to live up to be the partner you want to be.

It's about making a conscious choice about how both partners want the relationship to work. It's about giving someone the authority to take care of you, and make things ok.

This is what I'm trying to bring into the relationship, but noone is perfect, and nothing is easy.

Forgive my rambling...

- satdess

Sometimes you just want to be in that dark corner, and I'd hope my boyfriend would respect that need for time to myself. Without that "isolation" time, I couldn't function well. I'm the type of person who, when I need to be alone, I need to be alone. That's not the time to insist on being with me, and I'm a lucky girl, because my boyfriend understands that and doesn't let his ego get in the way of allowing me my "isolation" time. When I'm ready to be seen again, he's there for me.

I love you honey.

MJ

I read your article Jeff, and when I was done I could hardly breathe. You have so accurately described what I have been feeling and wanting for so long. The relationship you talk about oozes intimacy and closeness. It explains the driving force behind the spanking and discipline. It makes the relationship about loving each other, about a complete and honest trust that doesn't exist much today. It makes it more about them and less about you, but by being more about them, you are filled and content.

I read your words:

Deep trust is required and that can only come in response to absolute and unassailable concern for you. It is this connection that is the fundamental element of Taken In Hand.

and immediately recognized how true they were. Having lived through different kinds of abuse in my life, trust doesn't come easy for me. I think of submitting to a man who would care enough to assume that responsibility, who would care enough to invest the energy and time in understanding my needs (even if I didn't always understand them), and I feel my devotion to him would be almost limitless. Wonderful article. It is so good to see my feelings articulated in a way I've never thought to hear them. Thank you.

Blue Sunset
BlueSunsetGirlhotmail.com