I enjoyed reading this post very much. As a woman who probably falls in to the "looks more masculine" catagory, you've left me with a sliver of hope! I keep my hair short because it's easy (and suits me), my makeup either non-existent or super-dramatic (none of this smudge of lipstick and mascara crap) my clothing comfortable and funky. I love a good, heated debate and rough sex.

I think that there are many women like me who don't deal with the feminine=submissive equation that is usually drawn. Pearls of wisdom like "dress in a more feminine fashion (skirts and pastels) and wear your hair long" or "lowering your eyes and looking up through your lashes is sexy, submissive and feminine" do nothing for me. I can't help but point out that as "feminine" is the adjective of "female", then as a female I am intrinsically feminine. And I don't bat my eyelashes or giggle like a pothead. In fact, I loathe the women I meet that I consider "girly-girls". They bore me. I lift heavy things. I can walk home by myself after dark. But having said that, I enjoy being taken in hand. I love a very dominant man – one with the strength to maintain power over me.

In past relationships, I've felt the need to back myself down a bit. All the reading I've done has made me feel that if I need to change who I am to attract the kind of guy I want. Because the kind of guy that I want seem to be attracted to the kind of girl that I am not.

So thankyou, Eric. Perhaps there's a man out there for me yet.

Eric says that changing for the guy diminishes a woman. Well, I would agree if he means changing in the sense of pretending to be something you're not, putting on an act or something like that, but for me that isn't how it's worked. Changing certain aspects of my behaviour that exasperated my husband has led to greater domestic harmony and has made us both happier. I feel that changing has been of benefit to myself, as much if not more than to my husband, and I feel enhanced rather than diminished. It does not have to mean behaving in an idiotic fashion, giggling, or looking up through your lashes (my husband being the kind of man he is, if I did that he'd only ask me if I'd got something in my eye anyway). Sparring can be great fun, but it is possible to have too much of it, especially when it can escalate, as in our case it frequently did, into a full-scale row. Changing just a little bit to accomodate someone else's needs is not really such a terrible thing to do. I don't know that women do think men want obedient women, some men do, some men don't I suppose. It would certainly never have occured to my husband to demand obedience from me, it's something I chose for myself. Sparring's nice, but there comes a time when you want peace, at any rate that's what I want.

My kinda woman is Maureen O'Hara in the old movies. That lady had balls! McClintock, The Quiet Man, etc. She gave as good as she got, and the men were Real Men too. Gotta love those old movies. And she was regularly taken in hand too!

I love a very dominant man – one with the strength to maintain power over me.

It has been such a joy and relief for me to find I am not alone in my dichotomy of personality. To be intelligent, aggressive and successful during the day and when I come home to want to release the reins to the big, strong man in my life; to manage my staff better than I, seemingly, manage myself and choose to defer my management to someone who truly has my best interest at heart; to be able to direct a company, but to be unable to pull myself out of the abyss of self recrimination when I make a mistake.

I've spent my life with self help books attempting to "figure out" how and why I tick the way I do, because there seemed to be something wrong with me. I have read so many stories from the women posting on this site, and all I can say is I want what you seemingly have: honesty, passion, intimacy, emotional release and security. I seem to be able to create security for those around me (I was a single parent for several years) but not for myself. I am married again and my heart directed me to this man because he is my compliment, the one who can give me what I need; I just have to do what I know I need to do. To let go of the fear and trust. Easier said than done!

Errol Flynn was married three times and fathered at least as many children. Always the charmer, Flynn was accused of statutory rape, bisexual pedophilia, and Nazi sympathizes.

John Wayne was the stage name of Marion Michael Morrison. Most likely, Wayne became a superpatriot because the budding Hollwood star found it more fun to play a war hero than to be one.

Instead of signing up - as did Henry Fonda, Clark Gable, Jimmy Stewart, and John Ford (who would later direct Wayne in several movies) - the hard-drinking Wayne cranked out thirteen war movies, got into several bar fights with men in uniform, and made a USO tour of the Pacific theater during World War II.

Marion Morrison was married three times and fathered seven children. As with his war films, Wayne's work on McLintock and Quite Man may have been to experience what Marion Morrison could never achieve with the women in his life.

Even though much of John Wayne's personal philosophy appears in McLintock, Maureen O'Hara - who gave up her film career during her successful marriage to a man, who was in real life everything Wayne played on screen - probably understood what Marion Morrison needed to do in real life better than Morrison's alter ego (Wayne) understood himself.

Some of O'Hara's understanding appears in the earnestness with which she plays the Taming of the Shrew vignettes in The Quite Man - filmed a decade earlier than McLintock. Rumor has it that O'Hara also chided Wayne for not spanking her hard enough during the filming of McLintock.

We used to have the biography of him that made all those accusations about him being a Nazi etc in the library where I worked years ago. There was an old man who used to go berserk every time he saw the book and would start shouting and swearing. I had one colleague who was very evil, and every time he saw this old man come in he would get the book out and put it on the display stand on purpose, just to set him off. I once read an inteview in the paper with Maureen O'Hara, and she said she wished she had a dollar for every time she'd had her bottom smacked on screen, but I've never seen a movie of hers that was 'S' rated apart from McLintock. I like Elsa Lanchester's comment about her "She looks like butter wouldn't melt in her mouth, or anywhere else".

Stephen -

Thanks for your comment, very interesting, and I agree with you. I have no argument with what you said, I merely have a personal preference for a woman who expresses herself in resistant ways rather than just submissive ways. There's no question many submissive women are strong and even dominant in their lives, but I want a woman who is not afraid to express that with me too. Not a woman who wants a submissive man -- I am far from that -- but one who while being resistant and in control also wants to be taken in hand.

Eric

Eric:

I WISH I could find a man like you! I envy the woman who has you. I have yet to find the man who "gets it" like you do -- who respects my strength and yet understands my desire to submit -- and doesn't confuse the two. Thank you for your post. ms

To the writer of "Finally" --

I wish you the best in your search.

Based on the responses from admiring women, Eric is the belle of the blog ball!

You're probably fending the girls off with a stick. Knock 'em dead! Oops, I shouldn't use those phrases here - someone might take it literally.

But seriously, I write this with good will... I just have an acerbic sense of humor. Carry on.

Where to find more men like you? I'm extremely resistent, but just because I want force.

resistance

That is the word I have been looking for to express how I feel, what I am, what I do.

Also your article decribing your meaning of resistance perfectly fits.

After all, is it not how you define a word personally that you get meaning??

It is fun and I love it.

Not to be confused with other words like forced.

It is thrilling and I can always think of something new to ... aviod. I love it when I don't win and not just in a sexual nature : )

I found this site today and have had the double pleasure of realizing I am not odd in being an independent-minded woman who loves a strong, dominant male, but there are also men out there who relish the challenge of being with a woman who knows her own mental and emotional 'shape' and who doesn't automatically morph herself to fit the man (or people) she is with. The fun is in the 'negotiation'.

I've always had a soft spot for a guy who can physically pick me up and carry me to where I refuse to go - all in good fun, and even if sometimes I'll fight tooth and nail. Of course, he must also be the type of guy who will have the perceptiveness to see through me and be tender with me when this is called for. It is amazing the depth of tenderness possible at the point where strong personal forces meet.

I am strong willed and able to put up a good fight for my side so I don't ever feel completely free when I'm with someone I have to 'protect from me'. Holding myself back makes me feel stifled. I love it when I'm with someone who is playful and unafraid and who is willing to step into unknown terrain with me. Emotional, physical, or otherwise. This can be such an exciting experience.

One thing that about your article that was like a cool drink of water was the qualities you described in the women you find attractive. I've had this battle with a boyfriend in the past - where he attempted to persuade me to become a more girly girl than I actually am. This annoyed and insulted me, I liked him the way he was, it never occurred to me he was not fully appreciative of who I am. It was a rude and hurtful awakening.

Luckily there have been men in my life that have found the way I naturally am exciting and attractive, so I did not just give myself up. But I did start to wonder whether all the cliches were true. That you have to dress a certain way, be the girly girl, to attract your mate. The relationship suffered after that mainly because I still loved him although I scorned his narrow definition of womanliness. It changed both of us. He lost some of his convictions about women in frills and lace and after the huge fight I did actually try a few things to see if I liked them, but only to be sure I wasn't cutting off my nose to spite my face.

I like the possibility that I can become more of whatever I put my mind to, but I know underneath it all I'm a jeans and sneakers kind of girl and I also know the best thing of all (which your article affirms!) - that the guy who is drawn to me, is drawn to what's actually there and not some flimflam, glossy mirage of a girl that gets dismantled at night.

I was beginning to despair that these types of men are so few and far between. Everyone around me so correct and androgynous and overly polite and reserved. Men, so careful and soft and indestinct. Men with fussy hair. And then I read your article on resistent women! My only question Eric, is: where do men like you hang out?

Thank you! And also for a wonderful site.

It was with quite a bit of relief that I read Eric's article. I was having problems labeling myself "submissive" since I'm one of the strongest willed women I know. I'm a natural leader and I find it easy to take control of situations that others flounder at. On the other hand, when I'm with a strong, take-charge man, I feel completely fulfilled being controlled by him.

So I was happy to see Eric's viewpoint that not all women who want to be ontrolled by a man need to go peacefully to their fates, even knowing that its ultimately where they want to be and need to be. Having been brought up in a family of strong willed woman it's not always easy to balance these opposite sides of my personality. Thank you Eric!