I have come here secretly, seeking knowledge. It took me a long time to find Taken in Hand and I'm grateful for the information. I need some insight into my husband's rising dominant behaviors, and I need to know why it makes me want him so much. I need to know what he's going to do next, and after reading the articles posted here, it is becoming clear.

I have been unable to express or even acknowledge my spiritual and sexual needs; but my husband is discovering them, and he is going to give me what I been asking for all along. I must be prepared.

Writing is my way of analyzing a situation. Elsewhere, I have written an erotic story, unbeknownst to my husband, and posted it anonymously out there on the net. It helped me to clarify my desires, but it also disturbed me – so much so, that I won't show him the story. He would have too much power knowing these secrets, some of which he has not yet discovered.

Regardless of my efforts to hide my desires, he is doggedly uncovering my secrets, on his own, and it worries me. Why should I want his dominance, his leadership, his firmness? Why is he taking on this battle, the one to take his dominance to the next level?

Why am I praying he does take it to the next level?

My husband doesn't know about Taken in Hand, but this site evidently knows him, and men like him, because it describes him intimately – a man who leads, and a woman who follows because he's worthy of her admiration. But men aren't supposed to lead anymore, and women aren't supposed to want that anymore. At least that's what the world tells me. But this site tells me there are other women like me. I thought there was something wrong with me – that I was the only woman left of a dying breed...

The only way to describe my heritage is Texan. The women of our family were – and still are – widely known as beautiful, intelligent, spirited, and unabashedly sexual. My mother and her sisters (seven in all) were likened to the ‘Seven Sisters Rose’ of the Texas plains – a plant with seven roses blooming along it's stem. Each sister was exotically different from the others – our mixed-race ancestry birthed redheads, blondes, brunettes. All gorgeous, and all ‘wild-cats.’ My family tree openly bears the fruit – and the scars – of their relationships, for many men came to pluck the roses for their own garden. Our women surrender (submit is not a word we are allowed to use) to men they both respected and loved, strong men with strong hearts and strong spirits to match. But woe to the men who could not tame one of the ‘seven sisters’ of Collin County! They would be broken, and left for men who could.

I am my mother's daughter, and I thank God that my father found her, for he was the only man to whom she would ever willingly surrender. Another man had tried to bend Mother to his will, but his heavy-handed beatings were a sign of weakness, not strength, so she left the brute. Not with his permission, of course. She escaped, and soon landed in the arms of my father, who made sure she never had to deal with such treatment ever again. Never did I hear my father raise my voice to my mother, and yet, she respected and loved him so that she would do anything he asked. Maybe with fussing, but it was always quiet fussing!

I was blessed to grow up in such a house, and foolishly, I wanted what they had. The strength, the commitment, and the understanding of a strong man for a strong woman's needs. But I could not find it.

I had mistaken coldness and arrogance for strength. My mistake cost me dearly, for instead of strength, my chosen husband's arrogance hid numerous affairs. I had been a virgin when we married, (so famously that at my high school they threatened to ‘sacrifice’ me as the last one), so it was hard for me to imagine that a man who wanted such a ‘good girl’ would give himself to other married women. I bore the emotional and spiritual abuse that such adultery generates, for our little daughter loved him so. But at last the abuse began to become physical, and one night I left with only my six-year-old daughter, and a brown paper bag of clothing. All the rest I left to my now ex-husband and his new soon-to-be wife...

I was free, and I had my daughter. That was all I needed to start my new life. I continued my teaching career, glad that it afforded me the ability to be with my child whenever she needed me, and I savored independence. But I was so lonely!

It wasn't that men were not interested. They were, and they approached me regularly, but I was afraid of failure. I simply refused to date. I asked God to lead me to a man who would meet my needs for a strong gentle man, and my daughter's needs for a daddy – and God answered by making me wait. I waited for three years...

When God's man finally found me, I was reading poetry for a wild crowd in a downtown coffee shop. My daughter was out of town with my ex-husband and his new family, and I was afraid that he would soon attempt to take her permanently. My ex-husband was always threatening to do that, and much worse if I didn't do exactly what he wanted. To ease the anxiety I went to my first big-city poetry reading, on a lark. ‘Paladin’ (for that is what I shall call him here) still likes to tell how he first saw me – I looked hopelessly ‘small town’, with my long red hair and flower-print dress. I was reading a poem I had written about love, abuse, and fear; at the end I threw down the book and stomped on it! This, he says, intrigued him. I, for my part, was also intrigued by the dangerous-looking tall Texan with wild black hair and piercing eyes, but I wasn't interested in going any further than intrigue. He was seven years younger than me, and I felt that was too young. I had grown used to young men approaching me, for even at thirty-one I was appeared much younger; and at less than five feet tall, I looked like I was still in high school. I knew how to end this, though.

I showed him my driver's license, and pointed out my age. It didn't work. I pulled out my daughter's picture, and waved it at him like an amulet to ward off demons. No luck. He escorted me home. I told him I didn't believe in premarital sex, and I asked him if he'd like to pray with me. He did, then he finally left. But he showed up the next morning with a frying pan and food. He had determined that I was starving to death and needed nourishment, because he had already seen my refrigerator and knew that teachers don't make much money. I relented, because I was hungry. He could cook – and I couldn't! By the end of the evening, he had me hopelessly in love. By the end of two weeks, he had introduced me to his parents. By the end of the month, he had faced down my ex-husband, and gotten my daughter back. On Valentine's Day, he proposed. I have been Paladin's woman ever since he first laid eyes on me. But that is only the beginning of my long seduction...

Perhaps he understood that in this politically correct world, men are not supposed to be dominant, and women are not supposed to want to them to be so. I myself was ashamed of my feelings, of my need for a dominating, confident lover. I had grown up loving my Father, loving John Wayne, and I wanted to be taken in hand, to be helped, to have the security of knowing that no one would hurt me or my child if only a strong man were there. I wanted a man I could depend upon. But while single, I had to take care of my little family in everything, and I was at least competent. I had accepted the fact that my needs were subverted, or perhaps even perverted; I thought I had suppressed all those longings. How odd, then that Paladin was able to see through it all.

I am in my heart an artist, a singer, a poet; but I had to care for my child. Artists, singers, and poets don't make much money, and I still feel a need to take on the responsibility of financing us. Paladin started down the path to gentle leadership by letting it be known that he could – and would – take care of us as we needed. If I wanted to work it should be to follow my heart's desire, not to fill our pockets. After I finally was able to accept that, he began to subtly introduce other elements, setting free the little things in myself that overwhelming responsibilities had enslaved. Protective, nurturing, confident, he was eager to take on responsibilities I had come to dread. Fixing cars, building toys, making money, cooking dinner – he could literally do it all. He wanted these responsibilities, and he was taking them for his own. I also had responsibilities, but they now were of my own choosing – thanks to Paladin. I was now able to work metal, to sing, to write, to stay home with my daughter – and to finally have a son.

I myself have been blissfully in denial of Paladin's rising dominance in my life. It has occurred like a long, slow, deliberate seduction, one planned long in advance. He makes a living by observing others, and his ability to observe my strengths and weaknesses has given him an advantage in this seduction. Secrets I thought were only mine were readily apparent to him, and he's very good at tapping into my suppressed eroticism. What started out as tickling became wrestling, then gentle control, then much more...

He has such wonderful hands, and his presence is so overwhelming, that he is able to just do whatever he wants. He's a modern-day Marlboro man in suit, tie, and cowboy boots – and that masculine image is more than skin deep. It's a reality that makes what he does to me seem so natural, and yet so bad, and yet, it feels so good. There has to be something wrong with me...

This is my weakness, and I can't fight it. I love what he does. I love the feeling he gives me, and it makes me scared and sinfully delighted at the same time. Paladin knows this, and he knows I would never say anything about what I really, secretly want. So he found out about it, and made me want it. He made me say it. And it seems to be just a little part of the whole big picture that he has in mind.

Even now, I really can't say it – I'm still so embarrassed by it. I can't talk about what I really want. That's just me. I almost wish I could tell you, for surely you would be jealous to hear of it, how he does it, what he says to make me completely and totally his. It seems so strange, and it makes me feel wicked for wanting it. His enjoyment of it makes me nervous, but I love it so I can't hide it, and he is now in the process of making me ask for it. He knows what I want, and he is going to make sure I know what I want. But I'm afraid this is only the tip of the iceberg. What was once a forbidden treat has now become a staple of my erotic diet – and he is about to introduce an entire new way of feeding our relationship. It is necessary, but I'm not sure I'm ready for it.

I recognize his way now – he is introducing, step by slow step, the way he wants me to go. He is firmly and deliberately pushing in the direction he has determined will be best for us and for our family – and unfortunately for my ego, he is right. He may have moments of doubt, fear, and uncertainty, but he is still right – and he is still moving forward in the direction he has chosen for us to go. And therein lies the battle...

In the face of post-September 11 difficulties and uncertainties, I have become demanding and insecure. In all marriages, there are missteps, but in response to Paladin's missteps, I panicked. I was so blinded by my own fears that I could not accept the path he had chosen. I did not trust him. I saw his dedication to his vision as a failure, a sign of weakness, and a case for me to take leadership of this family once and for all – with or without him. I would not accept “no”; he told me “no” anyway.

I rose up like a storm and threatened to take the whole house down with me – but patiently, and admitting his own missteps, Paladin has weathered the storm. And the end result? His path led to an opportunity I would have thrown away: more money than we've ever made before, and a chance for him to be what he is called to be. But Paladin has evidently come to the conclusion that I need help in managing this need for leadership. His assessment may be right – but I'm still not quite able to admit it myself. I'm still not ready to claim my heritage.

That heritage? On the plains of Texas, a woman had to be strong so she could live long enough to find a man – someone strong enough to raise a family, make a home, make love grow. This was necessary for survival in a hard world. This world always has been hard, and we've just been reminded of how hard it is, yet again. A man must be stronger than even a strong woman might be, because according to my husband, “a man's got to do what a man's got to do”. I have a job to do, but so does Paladin. A man who's not stronger than me isn't going to make it in this world, because it's taken every bit of strength for me to get this far – but I have proven how strong I am. Now I want to prove how strong Paladin is. It's a high standard, but one I need to embrace, if I am to be true to myself.

Worried, I myself have told Paladin that he should think of my family's ‘feminine warrior’ culture as a game – one where he just has to stay on top of the mountain lest I push him off. He looked at me with all seriousness and told me “I don't play games”. No, this isn't a game – and I'm a little scared. But wickedly, he's tied his dominance to my secret erotic and heretofore ‘forbidden’ desires; I don't want to want it, but I can't help it. He wants it, but for a different reason. He plans on being the man in this family...

We're going to see if he's man enough to take me.

What was once just for play is now for real. I have been desperately searching for something to tell me what is going on in his mind, and I believe this web site is closer to his mind-set than anything else out there. There is no strange acronym for a man taking the helm of in his own family. There is no shame for a woman realizing that she was never sentenced to do it all on her own. There is no name for this desire we share – he knows what he wants, he has found out what I want, and he is bringing those desires together.

I'm not sure what my surrender is going to bring, but it's not quite here yet – but it's coming, and the battle could be epic. This is a battle between what the world has told me I want, and what my heart has told me I want. If Paladin wins, I win. And he's the man I think he is, I have no doubt that Paladin will win...

Dandelion

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