Is he driving you mad?

Sometimes, whatever kind of relationship a couple has, they have an on-going disagreement that never seems to get resolved. One common issue is about driving. Often, one person loves to drive assertively, and perhaps also in such a way as to attract speeding tickets on a regular basis, while the other drives in a very relaxed, measured way and cannot understand why anyone ever needs to ‘waste money’ getting speeding tickets and paying through the nose for increased insurance premiums.

Each feels that the other is not taking them seriously, not listening to them, and that the other should act differently from his or her preferred way. What to do?

I sympathise with both sides of this problem. I would really not like it if someone were to try to get me to drive in a less assertive way. My father teaches “Advanced Motorists” and when he taught me to drive, he was always telling me to be more assertive. “He who hesitates is lost!” he used to say. You have to drive assertively in London, or you might cause an accident; and although I rarely drive in London any more, learning to drive there seems to me to have been good discipline and useful for driving anywhere. I also like driving fast, though these days I tend to stick to the speed limit. But still, I would really find it quite objectionable to be told to change my preferred way of driving. I really enjoy driving assertively, and I think my driving would be less safe if I were harangued into driving less assertively.

I sometimes get driven to places by one or other of my friends – men who drive very ‘non-assertively’, shall we say. I used to have a very strong urge to tell them to stop being such wimpy drivers, but obviously that is not something one can say, and eventually, the urge to tell them to ‘get a grip and drive like a man’ passed, and these days I just smile inwardly and accept it as just the way they are – and it now seems endearing.

Conversely, I have one friend who is a racing driver, and whenever I am mad enough to get in the car with him, he makes a point of completely terrifying me with his driving. I know he is very skilled, but it is still such that I am literally weak at the knees and white-knuckled with fear on the rare occasions I let him drive me somewhere. And I have another friend who so enjoys speeding that he was banned from driving altogether, and even before that, what he spent on his insurance premiums would rival the GDP of a small country. I can only get in his car if I take copious quantities of diazepam beforehand. (I jest! But I'm sure it would help!)

So I can totally understand and sympathise both with those who have a desire to tell someone else how to drive, and also with those being told to change their driving style. But since the most common desire to tell someone else how to drive is the desire to tell someone to slow down and drive less assertively, let's look at that.

Suppose you are a woman in a Taken In Hand relationship, and your husband drives like a maniac and gets lots of speeding tickets and pays a large proportion of his income in insurance premiums. Suppose you have asked him to slow down, and you have repeatedly tried to persuade him to see sense and drive less aggressively, but he won't listen. You are worried that the ever-increasing costs of his driving are going to put your car ownership at risk, because you simply won't be able to afford the insurance premiums. You think that he is being completely irrational, unreasonable, and wasteful with the family money. You feel that he is not taking you seriously, and that if things were reversed, he would have made you slow down and not accepted any excuses. What can you do in this situation?

My advice, for what it's worth, is that, unless your man really is putting your car-owning at risk, you should try to back off and desist from trying to persuade him. Actually, you could presumably continue to own a car as long as he was not on the insurance, so however he is driving, it is presumably only putting at risk his own driving and car-owning status, not yours. Keep that in mind.

Even if your man is putting your family car insurance up dramatically, I still suggest that you back off. Why? Because if this has become a big issue between you, your man is probably feeling harangued, and when people feel harangued, they tend to do the opposite of the thing the other person wants them to do. So it might be counter-productive to keep trying to persuade him to change his driving style. He has probably already noticed how much you are paying for insurance. He probably already knows the risks. So reminding him is haranguing, and whether you are dominant, submissive, or anything else, haranguing is generally a bad idea.

That is all very well, but if you are in this situation, that doesn't help you to feel better. So what might? Here is a suggestion:

Can you think of your husband's speeding, getting tickets, paying more for insurance, and so on, as his hobby, his interest, his passion – something he loves, something he wants to spend money on – his one extravagance? Most people have one extravagance in their life – something they spend a disproportionate amount of money on, because they love it. In my case, it is my computer. My computer is ridiculously expensive – I spent six months' income on it – but I don't regret it for a moment. I expect to spend this amount every three years, and for me, that is a vast expense given that my income is usually very low. I no longer own a car, because I simply cannot afford to own and run a car as well as being an early adopter in terms of computers. Is your husband spending two months' earnings on speeding tickets and increased insurance premiums each year? Perhaps if you stop seeing it as an unnecessary expense, and start seeing it as something that matters to him, something that he wants to do and is prepared to pay for, it might help you to smile indulgently about it instead of feeling bad.

When I got my first and only speeding ticket, I initially felt a bit upset. The policeman who pulled me over was very polite but it was very embarrassing to be pulled over. But when I told a friend about it, he said to me in a blasé way – “Just think of it as a charge for using the motorway, don't think of it as a fine. You spend money when you go to the supermarket. Now you've spent money for the pleasure of driving at 120 mph on the motorway. It's not a big deal!” This really made me feel better. It didn't make me want to spend more money driving fast, but thinking of it as a choice of mine to spend that money, rather than a punishment, helped.

Likewise, if you think of this expense as being important to your husband, like my buying my computer was important to me, it might help you yourself feel better. No two individuals are going to have the same priorities, and everyone is going to have some disagreement about spending priorities. Can you allow him this extravagance? Can you think of it as being an endearing extravagance that gives him pleasure, rather than a waste of money? We all ‘waste’ money in one way or another. This is his way. Try to see it this way for both your sakes.

The added advantage of backing off could be that when your husband no longer feels on the defensive about this issue, he will then be able to think rationally about whether this is an extravagance he really enjoys and thinks worth the money, or whether it is, as you presumably think, a waste of money. He won't be able to think about it if he is feeling harangued.

But what if your reason for wanting your husband to slow down is that you fear that he is driving unsafely, and you literally fear being in a serious car accident if you get in the car with him? When I have felt this kind of fear, I have asked myself whether my fear is really justified, and have concluded that it is not. But if you think that your fear is justified, then, as in the case Marz Blak discussed here, don't get in the car with him. But ask yourself whether your husband's driving is really unsafe, or whether the real issue is that he is not listening to you.

If the real issue is that you feel unheard, and his driving is actually reasonably safe, then again, my advice is to back off. If you back off thoroughly and completely, and not just for a very short time, this will end what might be a psychological battle of wills in which he is defending his corner and determined not to be told what to do. When he no longer feels harangued, psychologically, he will be able to take your feelings into account more than is possible if there is a battle between you on this issue. But for this to happen, you really do have to back off and let this issue go.

This is difficult if you are feeling hurt, as you may well be if you are feeling unheard. But if you can find a way to accept your husband's driving as his choice rather than as a wrong he is doing to you, you may well find that he does take your feelings into account more in future.

I can imagine being the person on either side of this issue, and if I were the driver being harangued to change my driving style, I can imagine finding it exceptionally difficult to take the other person's feelings into account, even if, on some level, I wanted to. It might well feel to me like a wrong on the other person's part to be haranguing me to change my driving style! Unless someone's driving really is putting others at risk, it is, in my view, a matter for him how he drives.

By contrast, on occasions when a passenger has been terrified and has asked me to slow down but it has not been part of a battle of wills between us, I have willingly taken that passenger's wishes into account. So if you can, think of what is happening not as your husband not hearing you, or as him otherwise wronging you, think of it as an issue between the two of you. See it as something having gone wrong in the dynamics between you rather than as a wrong he is doing you. That might help you to let it go and back off. And that will end the psychological battle of wills that might be adversely affecting your husband's ability to take your wishes into account.

Finally, if you are not sure whether you are engaging in a battle of wills and haranguing, one indication that that might be what is happening is if your arguments have shifted from one thing to another to another, such as from arguments about the costs, to arguments about safety. When arguments shift, that can be the smoking gun of a battle of wills. The good news is that if you realise that this is what is happening, it is likely to make it easier for you to do the right thing and back off. And the sooner you do that, the sooner your husband will be able to take your wishes into account. In the midst of a battle of wills, only a saint would be able to do so.

Try not to think badly of the man you love. Your disapproval is probably very painful to him. He is a human being, not a god, and human beings do sometimes make mistakes and do the wrong thing. Try to keep in mind his good qualities and not let this come between you.

the boss

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What you need to know about Taken In Hand

2005 Jul 29 - 13:23 | login or register to post comments | latest article | previous article | next article |

I'm not sure I agree on this.

I'm not sure I agree on this. Driving assertively is one thing (as long as assertive doesn't me aggressive). Speeding is another. Speed limits are posted for safety reasons. A child hit at 25 MPH in a school zone is far more likely to recover than a child hit at nearly twice the posted speed. No matter how good of a driver you are, even if you drive very well and carefully fast, you can't predict what drivers or pedestrians will do. If you hit a car that cuts you off at 20 miles over the speed limit, you are going to do more damage to your vehichle and the other driver's than if you had simply driven the speed limit.

I do agree, however, that "wimpy" driving can be dangerous. Drivers who are too tentative confuse the road ways. The ones that irritate me the most are the ones who don't understand right of way and become hesitant at intersections. You wait for them to go, you know they have the right of way, and at the exact moment you decide that they must be waiting for you and move to go, they practically idle through the intersection. Sure, they are trying to be careful, but the way the exercise caution puts everyone at risk. Even this though, tends to cause low speed instead of high speed accidents. If I'm going to be hit, I would far prefer it to be at a slow speed.

As for how I would respond to a spouse who drove too fast, I'm not sure. I really dislike nagging, so I would probably just try my best to do the driving when we went out together, and pray for the safety of him and others when he went out on the roads alone.

by cj on 2005 Jul 29 - 13:49 | login or register to post comments

Driving safely

Driving safely means not driving in such a way as to endanger anyone including pedestrians. Speeding in 30 mph zones (in towns, say) is likely to be much more dangerous than driving at 135 mph on a motorway in the middle of the night. A good driver takes these things into account. As I understand it, there are *fewer* accidents on speed-limit-free German autobahns than there are on motorways with speed limits in other countries. It is a real pleasure driving in Germany (as opposed to driving in some other countries where the speed limits are quite low, like they have been in some parts of America sometimes) because the drivers are used to driving fast and drive much more safely and attentively than drivers in other places. Speed limits are not always about safety. If they were, there would be no speed limits on motorways in the middle of the night when hardly any cars are on the road. But let's not get into a political discussion here. ;-)

by the boss on 2005 Jul 29 - 14:04 | login or register to post comments

70 miles per hour is the high

70 miles per hour is the highest posted speed limit we have around here. I'm not sure my car would even do 135. The transmission is already holding up little white surrender flags on occassion.

Speeding on the highway is certainly not as dangerous as speeding through town, but if a deer darts out in front of me on the highway, or if someone cuts it too close on a lane change and we collide, I'd still much prefer to do it at a slower speed.

Also, in the case of the speed limits being higher, I don't think that driving faster is dangerous. If the speedlimit is 130 and you're going 130-135, I'd say you're driving safely. If that's the posted speed limit, other drivers are presumably driving it as well. I can't be convinced, however, that it is safe to drive 20 or more mph over the speed that everyone else is driving.

Just as a matter of curiosity, what would your views be if the shoe were on the other foot and a man wanted his wife/girlfriend etc. to drive the posted speed limit? Should he just accept it and not pester/nag/demand that she goes slower, or does he have the responsibility to put his foot down if he feels she is being unsafe (I am of course supposing here a relationship with an established and agreed upon Taken In Hand dynamic)?

by cj on 2005 Jul 29 - 17:13 | login or register to post comments

Driving in Germany

Since I live in Germany I have plenty of experience driving here. I don´t really believe in the no speed limit law. There might be more accidents in places where the speed limit is less but the more fatal accidents in Germany happen on streets with no speed limit.

The laws to pass your licence are a lot stricter here than they are in the states, that`s why I believe people who just passed their driving test can drive better here than they can in the States or other Countries. Plus everybody has to go through driving school and people are not allowed to drive until they are 18. I think 16 is too young to drive a car.

Autumn

by Autumn on 2005 Jul 29 - 19:37 | login or register to post comments

Driving me mad

Since I do not drive myself, an adverse comment on my husband's driving is likely to result in him pointing out to me that I don't know what I'm talking about (a. , since I'm a non-driver, and b. a woman). My husband is a very fast, very aggresive driver, but he has never had a crash, so I simply have to trust that he is not going to. However, since we started having a Taken In Hand relationship, he has made more of an effort to be restrained when we are out. I appreciate this, but I have to accept that nothing is ever going to alter his belief that any speed under 90mph is tortoise speed.

by Louise C on 2005 Jul 30 - 18:01 | login or register to post comments

Driving to fast

A few months ago a man who lived around here with his family took his three kids for a ride on the Autobahn. He lost control of the car and him and the three kids died. He was going about 140 miles per hour, not against the law here, but in my eyes it`s irresponsible. Can you imagine how his wife and mother of the three children feels now. She lost everything because of her husbands reckless driving.

Autumn

by Autumn on 2005 Jul 31 - 17:03 | login or register to post comments

Driving in Germany

That's dreadful about the crash on the autobahn, very sad. I have heard about the unrestrained driving on motorways in Germany. Things seem to be very different off the motorways though.

Two years ago though I went on holiday to German for the first time, I went with a friend to the Rhine Valley. It was a wonderful, beautiful place, and one of the things that struck us most forcibly was the politeness of the motorists in the towns we visited. If we were trying to cross a road, cars would stop for us and let us cross even if we were nowhere near a pedestrian crossing. Nobody ever does that in the UK, you're jolly lucky here if you can get anyone to stop even at a zebra crossing. Nobody in Germany ever hooted at us or shouted rude remarks like UK drivers frequently do at pedestrians. It was amazing.

by Louise C on 2005 Aug 1 - 05:47 | login or register to post comments

Louise,

I also do not know how to drive...so I'd feel a bit out of my element if I commented on anyone's driving style, including my husband's! He does seem to be a careful, safe driver though...being a cyclist I do know most of the rules of the road so to speak, and I can tell when a person is driving defensively, because I ride my bike defensively.

by BlueRose on 2005 Aug 2 - 12:28 | login or register to post comments

Yes, His driving drives me crazy...

But my problem is not so much with His actual driving, it is more the "road rage" that comes over Him. He actually curses other drivers, and 'says' they do it on purpose TO Him.

How can one either learn to tune it out, or to help Him react more healthfully?

betherny

very happily Taken in Hand by my husband

by betherny on 2005 Aug 12 - 07:11 | login or register to post comments

cursing while driving

My husband also does this. I have just learned to ignore it or tune it out. When the other driver does actually do something stupid, I chime in with my own epithets but other than that, I just keep quiet.

My kids used to be scared when he would go off, but I just told them that that is how Daddy handles the stress of driving and being in traffic. I turn on the radio or a CD and sing. Terribly and loudly. Everyone has their own way. He never actually does any real road rage type behaviors and I know he wouldn't, so I don't worry about it.

Otter*

"The moment that I looked into your eyes, you owned me."
-Kenny Chesney

by Otter on 2005 Aug 12 - 20:31 | login or register to post comments

My husband wanted me to learn to drive

but from watching him and other drivers (as mentioned here), it just seems too stressful, expensive and risky. My husband also snaps out when someone cuts him off or drives poorly, and it scares me to think that could happen to me if I learned to drive. Who needs it! I'm 45 years old, been cycling, taking buses and walking all my life, too old to change now even if I wanted to! (LOL)

by BlueRose on 2005 Aug 14 - 00:05 | login or register to post comments

Stressful, expensive, and risky

Precisely my own reasons for not wanting to learn. There are far too many drivers like my husband about, he's always complaining about some driver being too slow, dithering or whatever, and I am a chronic ditherer. I'll stick to the buses.

by Louise C on 2005 Aug 14 - 16:55 | login or register to post comments

Autobahnen

The difference in accident rates on the unrestricted, as opposed to the speed-limited sections of the autobahnen (yes, quite a lot of the network has speed limits)is fairly marginal. One thing that should be mentioned is that autobahn accidents are inevitably serious and life-threatening: to the extent that the German Automobile Association runs its own specialise hospitals and air ambulances to deal with the carnage. In terms of deaths per kilometer travelled, they're among the most dangerous roads on the continent.

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2005 Sep 2 - 18:37 | login or register to post comments

He doesn't speed or endangers me; but I still have issues. Help?

I was hoping to learn ways to deal with the fact that, at times, I am easily frightened when my man is driving. It bothers him a bit when I gasp or grab hard on the door handle. And although usually we just try to take a deep breath and come over it, it has caused unpleasant moments.

If my issues were based soley on monetary factors, I wouldn't have such a problem. That's not what it is for me though. I have never felt my life threatened while he was driving either. And he doesn't speed (any more than everyone does). So at this point you're probably wondering, "What could possibly be bothering her?"

Well, it's the abruptness that bothers me. Abruptness in general has the power to upset me. If someone says goodbye too abruptly, without the proper pleasantry, I am sometimes bothered. If someone hurries me in a hasty way instead of showing "kind guidance" it can bother me.

In the world of driving, the abruptness comes in the form of stopping too quickly. I'm sure you all have experienced this before; and some of you probably do it yourselves. It's when you are approaching a place where you must stop, and instead of gradually slowing down, you keep driving at the same rate. The slow down comes suddenly, after you've almost reached the stop.

I, on the other hand, slow down gradually as I approach a stop. Of course there are exceptions. At times sudden stops are a MUST. But I'm speaking of when there is plenty of warning.

I do believe I've gotten better about this. Now I usually just take a small breath and try to relax and trust him. What he's doing isn't really dangerous. It's just that it bothers me. So... does anyone have advice on a predicament like THAT? Thanks. ^__^

~HollyCakes

by HollyCakes on 2006 Sep 1 - 11:15 | login or register to post comments

Trusting a man to drive

I suppose I am just not very taken in hand it terms of this subject. For me it is a matter of life and death and if a man is irresponsible for the most precious of gifts-LIFE-then he will not be entrusted with my respect of letting him have the wheel so to speak. It seems to me very childish and selfish for a man to not exercise the utmost of care and responsibility when he gets behing the wheel, not only in terms of being responsible for the life of his wife and child, but for his life as well. After all he has been given the role of leader. I would find it a violation of trust for a man to disregard my feelings on this issue and therefore he would lose my respect in terms of head of household on this matter and I would not allow him the privilege or the honor of my trust in this situation with respect to the safety of my life or my child's. He would be fired! For me being taken in hand is a gift that I have given to my man and I need to feel the security of that trust coming from him in his ability to display making wise driving choices for his family. To sit idly by while he is reckless in this manner is a reflection of me making a terrible mistake in bestowing upon him my trust.

by Precious Baby on 2006 Oct 23 - 16:26 | login or register to post comments

Trust and driving

It has always appeared to me that my husband drives too fast and too aggressively, but he doesn't see it that way. He is firmly convinced that he is the world's best driver, and nothing I could say or do is ever going to change his opinion on that. Since I am a non-driver, and a mere woman at that, he doesn't think I have any business expressing an opinion on the subject anyway. I just have to trust that he knows what he is doing, because he is never going to change. And he has never been in a crash in over thirty years of driving, so I suppose he must be getting something right. Any criticism from me of his driving, or his attitude towards other drivers, merely brings down wrath on my head and does no good at all.

Keeping quiet and letting him get on with it is, in the end, probably safer than trying to interfere, which merely irritates him. Driving is one area where he simply will not tolerate any interference from me at all, he sees it as a lack of trust on my part. I don't think of non-interference as sitting idly by, but rather trusting that he knows what he is doing. He believes he does. I just have to trust that he is right.

Louise

by Louise C on 2006 Oct 24 - 10:39 | login or register to post comments

The husband as protector

[Precious Baby wrote]

For me it is a matter of life and death and if a man is irresponsible for the most precious of gifts - LIFE - then he will not be entrusted with my respect of letting him have the wheel so to speak. It seems to me very childish and selfish for a man to not exercise the utmost of care and responsibility when he gets behing the wheel, not only in terms of being responsible for the life of his wife and child, but for his life as well. After all he has been given the role of leader. I would find it a violation of trust for a man to disregard my feelings on this issue and therefore he would lose my respect in terms of head of household on this matter and I would not allow him the privilege or the honor of my trust in this situation with respect to the safety of my life or my child's.

That's pretty much how I feel, too. The issue with driving is one of SAFETY, and I cannot be with someone who does not share a commitment to value and preserve our lives and wellbeing. I expect any man I love to fill the role of protector, and risking our lives with his driving would be the very opposite of protective.

It's true that wimpy drivers can cause accidents too, but in general the worst safety problems are from overaggressive drivers. I live in the L.A. area, land of a thousand freeways, so I have seen more than a few bad accidents out there. Hundreds or maybe even thousands of people die every year on our local roads; and probably 98% of those fatalities would not have happened except that someone was driving too aggressively. These aggressive drivers can "get away with it" for years, by sheer luck, and thus gain an illusion of invulnerability while rocketing along the asphalt in a little tin can. But all it takes is one instant of bad luck to wind up dead, or worse.

In the meantime, they're making driving a hellish experience for everyone else on the road. I love driving, actually; but only when I'm relaxed and comfortable, not when every moment is a challenge and a risk to life and limb. I've been in three pretty bad auto accidents myself, two of which included broken bones, and the other which split my chin open a few inches and needed stitches. I don't really care to be in any more accidents. I have always been a cautious (but not "wimpy") driver; but all the time I see other drivers on the road, risking their livesand the lives of others just to get someplace five minutes earlier than they would if they drove safely. So I have little to no respect for aggressive drivers. The whole lot of them deserve to be spanked in a big way, by the law; preferably by losing their driver's licenses.

Even on an isolated roadway, one can run into sudden obstacles such as debris on the road or animals darting out in front of the car. (The kind of debris I've seen on the road ranges from big boulders that tumbled down a hillside in the rain, to sofas that bounced off the back of a truck, to miscellaneous large metallic objects that would easily cause a car to spin out of control. Wild animals are most active around dawn and dusk, so I try to avoid driving at those times in places where they're likely to run in front of my car. This is not just for my safety, but for theirs; and any man I could love and respect would also love and respect our fellow animals, and he would not want to put their lives at an added risk just for the sake of speeding.

I guess what really bothers me here is what seems to be the implicit suggestion that it's "wimpy" to drive cautiously, like it's supposed to make a man seem more "dominant" or "manly" or something if he acts like a dumb macho jerk when he gets behind the wheel? I don't think so. For me true masculine strength is best exemplified by a quietly confident driver, who is relaxed and enjoying the drive; instead of stressed out of his mind and screaming at everyone else while putting us in danger.

One of my long-term boyfriends had what I came to regard as the best attitude to driving that I've ever seen. I have a tendency towards running late, because I underestimate how long it will take me to get ready. (I would love for my man to take me in hand and get me over this bad little habit, by the way.) But my boyfriend had this attitude that once we were in the car, we were never in a hurry. He was alert, but relaxed and comfortable, and he *never* rushed or worried about trying to get somewhere by some specific time. At the time it could be frustrating, especially if we were running late to something because it took me too long to get ready. But I learned to appreciate it, and now I can even see it as a subtle form of taking me in hand: *he* was not going to risk our lives just because *I* had not been ready to leave in time. To me that reflected both strength and wisdom, and I came to respect him a lot for that.

So I feel that any man who could fill the role of protector in a marriage would first of all not take dumb risks with his own life or with mine, or with the lives of other people and animals. For him to be truly in control while driving is what would impress me. And being truly in control means being cautious enough that he will have the time to react to some sudden unforeseen danger. And when it comes to my driving, I would not mind it at all if he took me in hand for not driving safely, either. Like I said, I'm usually a cautious and courteous driver; but I do get mad sometimes, like anyone does; and it has affected my driving on occasion. If my man ever saw me do that, I would hope that he would demand that I pull the car over immediately, and he would take over the driving from there; and then perhaps devise some suitable deterrent to discourage me from that in the future. If I cannot trust a man to put our lives and safety first, then I really can't trust him with much else, either.

PS: One more thought that occurs to me on this. There's a different motive at work in people who drive aggressively out of anger, stress, or anxiety about arriving late -- versus people who drive aggressively for thrills. Like I said, I can really love driving when I'm not stressed. It's inherently a thrilling thing to go zipping along the open road with the sky above and the wind in your hair. But if someone can only find that thrilling when they're going at high speed, then it seems to me that there's an underlying problem there; speed (in mph or kmph) can be almost like an addictive drug for some people, so they need more and more. The solution is to slow down, and focus on the present moment, and you'll find that the thrills can be there at almost any speed. (Well, at least when you're actually moving freely, not stuck in a traffic jam.)

The problem is that so many people have a habit of not being in the present moment, their minds are distracted by so many diversions and internal noise. Meditation is an excellent way to quiet the mind and learn to experience the present moment in its full potential. And when you meditate on a regular basis, then everything else in life seems more vivid and lively and intense, more richly sensual and fulfilling. I came across a book titled Zen Driving that was emphazing how driving could be a form of moving meditation, a wonderfully centering experience if only it's approached in the right spirit. "Stop thinking about driving, and just drive." It's by K.T. Berger, reviews at amazon.com: http://www.amazon.com/Zen-Driving-K-T-Berger/dp/0345353501/

by DeeMarie on 2007 Sep 1 - 22:59 | login or register to post comments

Men and cars

Well, my husband has been driving for over thirty years, and has never had a crash yet, so I am inclined to take his word for it that he knows what he is doing.

He is a very fast driver, but that is not particularly unusual in the UK, though it may be more so in America. He does get annoyed with other drivers (he gets annoyed with most people) but he still doesn't have crashes.

He doesn't particularly like cars, he doesn't spend time thinking about them or talking about them or looking at them like a lot of men do. "A car is just a means of getting from A to B" he said to me yesterday. And he likes to get from A to B as fast as possible, which is why he likes to drive fast, not because he gets a thrill out of it, but because he wants to get the journey over with.

We don't get a lot of boulders or sofas on the roads here, perhaps that's more of an American thing. We do get quite a few squished animals, but my husband has never killed an animal when he's been out with me, though that'smorelikely to happen at night anyway, and I don't often drive with him at night.

I used to have a boyfriend who was always very calm and never got worked up about everything, and he used to get on my nerves frightfully at times. I think, being a temperemental person myself, I actually prefer a man with a bit of temperement, i think that someone who was always calm and placid would probably bore me.

And meditating isn't his thing at all(nor mine, neither of us are navel-gazers), he prefers metalwork as a means of relaxation, it's noisier and more expensive but it calms him down wonderfully.

And this boyfriend of yours who never got angry on the roads etc, I gather you two are no longer an item, so there must have been something about him that wasn't so marvellous.

Real people are not always perfect, and if you are in a relationship with a real person (rather than just fantasising about your perfect man) you learn to deal with that. My husband believes he is a safe driver, and I take his word for that.

And in any case, it is most unlikely he would pay any attention to your opinion on this subject, since you are a woman (he doesn't think women can drive) and an American (he doesn't think Americans can drive either).

Louise

by Louise C on 2007 Sep 2 - 06:58 | login or register to post comments

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