I dislike woman on top, and always have....and having recently learned from someone who shall remain nameless that some feminists preferred that position, if any (to advance women's "superiority"), I REALLY hate it! Unfortunately my husband sometimes likes it (btw he is now reading this forum, so maybe he will see this, lol). I used to be very heavy (over 300 lbs)...I'm now well under 200 lbs...but one thing I secretly liked about being that large was that it gave me a great excuse to avoid woman on top (thank goodness my husband didn't have a crushing fetish, lol!)

I love missionary but also doggy style...I especially love it when he grabs my hair and uses it like the bridle of a horse....ooh la la! (sorry, you know how us Yanks are...very straightforward and direct!) ;)

The Missionary Position works for me. When I tell my wife to prepare herself for me, she gives me this look like Im a god and when she she opens her legs ...... she gets it good. She likes me to lay my full 325 lbs of "solid muscle" on her. Yep - works for me.

Yes, I definitely agree with all of you! My husband loves to "mount" me, as he lovingly calls it, and it's very hot and sexy! He is much taller and bigger than me, and I love the feeling of his big body on top of mine as we make love.

I don't really enjoy being on top, and fortunately my husband isn't crazy about it, either. However, we really enjoy doggy style, and yes, I love it when he spanks me or holds onto my hair! I feel very sexual and submissive when we make love this way. We are both very happy!

Here comes the voice of dissent again!

Oh, not about the missionary position...I LOVE the missionary position cause it lets me lie there and be lazy and have the man sweat and grunt and slave away up there for me.

Missionary is a great position because it gives him the illusion of being dominant while really he is working his butt off for me. When I'm on top it's hard work. Who needs it? Plus, in the old days, once in a while he'd go in deep and hit an ovary and that would HURT.

I just have to laugh about all this symbolic nonsense that gets loaded onto sexual positions. Really, what people should do is what feels good. Missionary is the most work for the man and the least for the woman. Sounds cool to me.

"Pat", reaching for the next bon bon in front of her nonexistent supersize TV

Pat wrote:

I LOVE the missionary position ... When I'm on top it's hard work. Who needs it? Plus, in the old days, once in a while he'd go in deep and hit an ovary and that would HURT.
I just have to laugh about all this symbolic nonsense that gets loaded onto sexual positions. Really, what people should do is what feels good. Missionary is the most work for the man and the least for the woman. Sounds cool to me.

You may well be right. Perhaps it is a rationalisation for preferring a more comfortable, easier position less likely to be unpleasantly painful. And yet... I'm not sure. Pain and feeling in a dominant position are two separate things. Not sure. What do others think?

I don't enjoy being on top, but it has nothing to do with the fact that I see myself as submissive. It has to do more with my balance. As far as submission goes, being sexually submissive is difficult for me because to be honest, other than my little Taken In Hand thing, I'm a bit of a prude. When we have sex, regardless of the position, I am submitting sexually to him because it is something I would certainly rather not be doing. That being said I can't help but be flattered by the fact that he wants to be intimate with me in that way.

Oh yes, that's definitely part of it for me. I'm bone idle, and the missionary position does mean he's doing all the work, which suits me fine. But I do definitely find it sexy having him on top and feeling him thrusting into me. And I don't dislike being on top simply because it's more work, I do feel uncomfortable with it as well. Fortunately, my husband doesn't usually want to do it like that very often, or for very long, after I've been on top for a bit he usually rolls me over and gets back on top himself.

Like many (or most) sexually submissive women, I absolutely hate being on top during sex. That is the very opposite of male dominnce from my view. If a man cannot dominate me in bed, then he sure as heck is not going to be able to dominate me anywhere else.

There is an intimate and undeniable connection between the body and the emotions. This is why our emotions get expressed in physical gestures; but conversely, it also means that certain physical postures will bring up certain correlated emotions. There are inevitable dominance/submission aspects associated with one person's body being on top of another person's body, and with the person on top effectively pinning the bottom person down with their weight, and also being in a position to exert more control. It is obvious in any wrestling match that the guy on top is the dominant one, the one who's winning; and it should be just as obvious with regard to sex.

It's certainly obvious to animals of other species, because it's a common biological gesture of dominance (between two competing males, for instance) for the dominant alpha male to mount the subordinate male and reinforce the hierarchy by showing who's on top and who's on bottom. The dominance of the top position is also obvious to guys in prison, who are lacking for female companionship. And it's certainly obvious to various indignant feminist authors, who have turned the mythical figure of Lilith (Adam's first wife, before Eve) into a feminist heroine, because she refused to take the bottom position during sex. The innate psychological correlation between top/dominant and bottom/submissive is just one aspect of body language, but it's a very basic and powerful one, even an instinctual one.

To claim that it's not obvious, or that it's all in our imaginations, is to engage in a denial of our basic instinctive makeup. There have been a number of studies done on much subtler forms of posture, physical positions and body language, that have confirmed just how influential such things are in determining our emotional responses. For just one example, I believe there have been a number of studies confirming that people are naturally wired to regard someone who is taller as being more dominant. That's not because we perform some conscious analysis of the potential implications of their greater size; it's just a purely instinctive emotional response to having someone looming over you.

If that's the case for even such a relatively minor matter of physical positioning (someone being half a head taller or so), then it's easy to understand how the act of someone being physically on top of you and pinning you down with their weight is intuitively and emotionally understood in terms of dominance and submission.

As for it being "less work" to be on the bottom: No, I really don't think so. I like to struggle and wrestle and resist during sex, and there is plenty of "work" involved in that. Much more than would be involved in being on top. (And of course, if I were the one on top then I would not be able to struggle and resist, most likely. I suppose a strong man might be able to pin me down to him with a bear hug and not let me go. But more likely if I "struggled" or "resisted" while on top, that would just mean the end of the sex.)

As a man, I don't consider being on top as more work than being under. In fact, when a man is on top of his woman, he only has to penetrate, kiss and talk, grab and bite -- all natural and simple things to do.

Yes, I do kiss, talk, grab and bite while making love -- at least when I have the chance of taking a real Taken In Hand woman. And yes, I think that a Taken In Hand woman would normally love this.

But again, I have nothing against people who have other preferences.

Okay, for a long time, woman on top was my position of choice for a number of reasons. The main one being that that was the only way I could orgasm.

My husband liked it for two main reasons. The first because he is a caring man and likes me to have an orgasm when we make love. Secondly, it leaves his hands free to do whatever he chooses to my completely exposed upper body.

It did not and does not detract from his dominance at all. On the contrary, his hands are free to do any number of dominating things to me: slap my face, pull my hair, reach around and slap my butt or any number of other physical chastisements if I do something that he doesn't want me to. He is strong enough to control my movements just by grabbing my hips and moving me any way he chooses, which makes me feel very dominated. He is also free to do any number of loving things to me with his very talented hands.

I, on the other hand, am practically bound as, for most of the time, I have to keep my hands on the surface below to hold my self up. If I were to try to pull his hair, slap his face, or try to asphyxiate him I would not only probably topple over in the process (I am, unfortunately, fairly clumsy) but I would probably end up being the one asphyxiated (don't worry, I actually enjoy that so it's okay) or slapped, no orgasm as that would end my stint on top and later with a very sore backside.

In recent years, I have injured my hip and found other ways to reach orgasm so we save woman on top for when I am feeling fit and in the mood for it. I just wanted to point out that it is not just the fantasy of a submissive man to have a woman on top. It is a position that can also be enjoyed by a very dominant, authoritative man.

That isn't my husband's favorite position though. I believe he really likes rear entry while laying flush on top of me, not doggie style. It means I have to work to "present" myself to him and it also means he is covering me very completely while we are doing it as he is holding my arms in and he has me cross my ankles.

Just wanted to present another view on this.

Otter*

PS to the boss, I am sorry if this was too graphic. I tried to keep it "tasteful" but I don't have a very good filter for that (or anything else, really, when it comes to my big mouth, LOL) so, sorry if I have offended.

And not based on the position. It's the psychological factor that counts. A person could be doing the same thing, in the same position, and it could mean 3 different things: male dominance, female dominance, or an equal situation. It's not the act: it is how it is viewed by the parties involved.

Being on top would only give a woman the idea to do things like slap his face, pull his hair or asphyxiate him if those were things she knew he enjoyed.

"Pat"

Psychologically the missionary position is not that far from the conquered position of childhood. A wrestling contest always ended with the vanquished on their back, arms pinned with the other astride them forcing them to say "mercy".

Older now, he is on top of her, "stealing kisses." Instead of astride her, he stretches his legs out on top of hers. She eventually parts her legs. He slips between them, their fingers intertwined in mock combat for control. They rub against each other as they make out.

Naked now, he has only to lift his hips, she only to draw up her knees, to cross the last barrier to conquest.

Psychologically, that is how I see the missionary position. It can be used to create a mindset, drawing upon childhood and teenage experiences. A Taken In Hand woman might revel in the force of his will, but in this position she is subject to the force of his presence. Set the stage properly and it is easy for her to suspend her disbelief. She is conquered. She must endure his kisses to her mouth, neck and body. She is at his mercy. She has no defense left against the onslaught of his desire.

Is there another position that can leave her feeling so completely overwhelmed?

While I agree with much that you say the boss when you say a Taken In Hand woman has no inner conflict regarding masculine power, I really must say that having sex in any position has little to do with dominance and submission in my mind at all. It is about having sex in a way that is most pleasurable to both of us, fun and enjoyable. It is about intimacy between the two of us. I really give little thought to his dominance when he is on top, I do love his power and strength and the idea and feel of penetration.........but I think most women would, we are built that way. I just do not think of it in terms of dominance........I mostly think of it in terms of sharing of ourselves in the most intimate way humanly possible in a physical sense. What I truly cherish is that he only does this with me and only will. We have so much fun and delight in each other little thought is given to much else. So the whole focus on which position is more dominant or even if I want him in a dominant position and me in a submissive one is really irrelavant to me. I just want to enjoy the time we do it together totally.

I think Friday and other women who tried to analyze it all to such a degree were simply not happy with men or relationships with them, therefore they needed to see it in a different way.........I understand that.......but women who are happy with men and do not feel subjugated to them have little need to do this. The position you take during sex is for pleasure, for the both of you, and you can change it if another one feels better. It is really as simple as that. Caring for and being willing to please your partner is not a one way street and both need to respond to the requests of the other, and listen and give things a go, or try to see if it will work for the two of you........if not you can change it. Whereas I do understand the fantasy of being taken,and it can happen at times, sex is generally a mutual activity at our house.

Annie

Fantastic article. My hub and I have agreement. I get ready in the bathroom, he does the hard work in the bedroom. I get all dolled up in lingerie and smell nice. He gets up on his hands and knees over me, gets told how much of a well hung stud he is, and the I get a damn good seeing to.

I agree with the OP (the boss) and I agree with William (Nils) and Jeff. When I am dominating my woman, that has got to be an ACTIVE process. Being passive would make me feel like a woman and that's not my bag. I TAKE my woman, I take control, I penetrate, she receives me. Women are designed to be more passively receptive. Unlike Douglas (Interesdom) I wouldn't want to put myself in the female position of passively receiving. I prefer more intensity than I'd get in being served. I like to wrestle her down and take her and conquer her, and telling her to get on top and pleasure me lacks that raw power William wrote about.

Steve

What a wonderful discussion, I agree with the boss’s (OP) as well as Steve’s (ACTIVE) insight.

I think there is nothing nicer. However, we do like to try other positions from time to time, though never 69.

If your partner really is that much bigger than you, Anna Maria, you're probably safer with him behind you -- or you on top -- than you are bearing the brunt of his mass. So that should not be a concern.

And I don't feel the need to question where my husband gets his ideas. He's the boss: he gets to do what he likes. A little porn now and then only fires his imagination -- and I get the benefit of it. Particularly since your husband is inexperienced, you should welcome any source of instruction he sees fit to avail himself of.

As for the advantages of one position over another: I like missionary just fine (which is a good thing, because ever since he took me in hand, I've spent about an hour a day in it). But the real thrill isn't about positions: it's about being available to him whenever he wants me, however he wants me, wherever he wants me. Which sometimes means I get taken on the edge of the kitchen counter, or while bending over the sink brushing my teeth.

Whether or not to indulge him in these desires, or second-guessing their provenance...it is SO not my place to concern myself with such things. My only task is to recognize that the desire is there; and that I am bound -- for the good of us both -- to fulfill it without hesitation, discussion, or delay.

And I can't begin to describe the joy it gives me to do it. For me, being Taken In Hand was ultimate permission to fully express my sexuality. I will never worry again about being a "good girl," or feel like I have to stay within somebody else's boundaries to keep his "respect." The only boundaries that exist are the ones he sets for me. The only one who gets to make the call about whether or not I'm a "good girl" is him. That knowledge has led me to peace, safety, sanity, and total trust.

You asked for advice. Here's mine. Don't second-guess your husband. Accept what he wants to give you, in the way he chooses to give it to you. That way lies peace, safety, sanity, total trust...and endlessly-expanding sexual pleasure.

BTW, this is my first post here. My husband and I are in our late 40s, happier and having hotter sex than we've ever had in our lives.

Aurora wrote:

Which sometimes means I get taken on the edge of the kitchen counter, or while bending over the sink brushing my teeth.

So my husband isn't the only one then. If I start doing the dishes or clearing the table before he leaves for work, he can't get out the door without bending me over the table or the edge of the sink. I think it is the idea that he just stops me right in the middle of what I am doing and has his way with me that turns him on.

And I can't begin to describe the joy it gives me to do it. For me, being Taken In Hand was ultimate permission to fully express my sexuality. I will never worry again about being a "good girl," or feel like I have to stay within somebody else's boundaries to keep his "respect." The only boundaries that exist are the ones he sets for me. The only one who gets to make the call about whether or not I'm a "good girl" is him. That knowledge has led me to peace, safety, sanity, and total trust.

This is so true for me too. I was so ate up before with "oh, good girls don't do that" or "mommies don't like to do this". Well, none of that matters anymore to me. The only thing that matters is making my husband happy and when he calls me a "slut" I smile, because I know that is exactly what he wants me to be. Btw, his definition of a slut: a woman who enjoys sex and loves to have it at every opportunity, in any way and every position possible, LOL.

Otter

The poster above says that he wants a submissive woman on top, as opposed to a passive woman underneath.

If a passive woman is unattractive, how more more unattractive is a passive man?!

I don't know about other Taken In Hand women, but the idea of a passive man who wants to lie around being served by a woman is decidedly repulsive to me. Perhaps this highlights the difference between Taken In Hand and (some individuals' conceptions of) D/s? Perhaps D/s men are more passive, narcissistic and self-serving and want submissive women who will serve them endlessly, whereas Taken In Hand men are more active and don't want a servile doormat.

To me, if the serving is all one way, and especially if the dominant partner has narcissistic, self-serving tendencies, there is something wrong.

The missionary position is absolutely my favorite position. The feeling of my partner above me, stronger than I am, bigger, in control, powerful, is the biggest turn on I can imagine! My late partner used to love holding my hands above my head as he would enter me, and every rape fantasy I had ever had was triggered.

Sharon

Your husband is a lucky man. My wife sometimes does the ragdoll thing, which lets me feel very dominant but isn't as hot as what you describe. I need to talk to her about it.

I kind of agree with this. While it is fun to dissect our behaviours and talk about them, and such discussions to help in self-discovery in some way, I wonder what does it matter? I like being on top because I have a different control of angle and depth, and when I (or he) manipulate my breasts it feels quite different from when I am lying on my back (as does 'doggy' style feel different). Sex discussed on this level is just discussing simple animal behaviours and how to increase the pleasure response. To add the psychology element hints at a desire to transcend the animal urges. So why not take up yoga and meditation, learn about using tantra to release the kundilini energies and learn through experience what a real!!!! orgasm is like. (a bagillion times more intense than any g-spot experience I ever had!) Peace. Joni

Her laying on her stomach with one leg extended forward with the knee bent, allowing the man to enter her from behind basically, like an open scissor. She feels overwhelmed pushed down onto the bed by me towering above her. This is written specifically for my butterfly, Caleigh, who loves to be taken in hand. Peter

Any woman who quotes Ayn Rand should be crucified. Literally.

My guy really loves for me to be on top during sex. For me, it is like cleaning the bathtub while having a medical exam. It's a lot of work and I have a psychological block on receiving pleasure in that position even if he is touching me or spanking me while I’m up there. I hate it. The first problem is that it seems like my erogenous zones just turn off. It's like a switch. As soon as he asks me to get on top and be the aggressor, my body no longer experiences any pleasure.

Suddenly, it is just a chore and no longer "love making". It also makes me feel anything but sexy. I am a big woman and I feel that it is not only uncomfortable, but also the least attractive position for me to be in. The psychological aspect turns me off completely and any excitement I was feeling before I started to straddle him is completely drained. I think my subconcious mind is saying "you're a woman, this isn't natural and it's not your place to be initiating and doing all the work during sex". If he isn't in control, I'm not getting anything out of it. In addition to some internal pain I sometimes experience while on top, the position itself hurts my thighs and my wrists and I get winded quite quickly. When I’m on top, just 10 minutes can feel like 3 hours of agony and I can't wait for it to be over.

I feel really guilty about this because he enjoys it so much and I hate it. I get sort of withdrawn emotionally during and after intercourse in this position and then I think it makes him feel guilty or honestly, resentful. I like missionary, doggystyle, on our sides, and all sorts of variations of those as long as I am not on top. When he doesn’t ask me to be on top, we have wonderful sex. Lately I’ve actually found myself sometimes avoiding sex because of my fear that he’ll want me to “take him” rather than him taking me. I understand that sometimes he wants to just relax and not have to do anything during sex, but it also kind of turns me off of him, he doesn’t seem very masculine laying underneath me and I'm attracted to his masculinity. Being on top hurts and it makes me feel like a man. I hate it and it ruins my end of love making.

JustMe

When my man is on top, the feeling is divine. Other positions work for us too but we always in the end go missionary..I enjoy the feeling it brings of being taken and dominated. It also means I can whisper words in his ear that drives him crazy..I whisper his name and I seductively moan that I am his obedient wife and he his my master.

I saw the comment about not wanting to get into foreplay in the article, and my first thought was you gotta be nuts. Foreplay for me builds the tension and the anticipation. Kinda like a thriller movie where you know a murder is about to take place, but the scene is drawn out forever. Course sometimes I like to just take my woman too, but I get turned on by foreplay just as much as she does.

Tom

I always find it amusing how men who can't appreciate a woman in the passive role complains that it makes a woman boring or bad in bed, but it never seems to strike them that them taking the passive role could make THEM boring. After all, isn't a passive man much worse than a passive woman? It's like a blind spot for them. The way they see it, a woman must be having so much fun on top of him that she could never possibly find him boring that way. Well, a woman who prefers a man to be on top may find that just as unsatisfying as he does, probably more, and assume that he might partake of her enjoyment of him in the active role as well. But since men like this dislike women taking the passive role and enjoy it so much for themselves, it's like see it as an objective reality.

I wouldn't call a man like this sexually dominating. Dominating in the way that he likes to make sure he receives what he wants, yes. That he can make her do what he wants, yes. But he doesn't enjoy assuming the active, dynamic, masculine part of the sexual intercourse - or playing the masculine role. He likes to be taken by the woman, instead of the other way around. But he doesn't want to feel emasculated or as a bad lover because of it, so he puts all the blame on the woman if she would prefer to be passive. I don't think men like this are necessarily submissive or unmasculine. I think they are more into getting physical pleasure or a good show in the bedroom, and not so much into having a strong emotionally connecting experience or experincing the male-female dynamic in its most powerful state. The different variations of the missionary position are most ideal for this, and what I think of as "a real man" - a man who strongly feels himself as a man and immensely enjoys interaction with a woman - I think would always love this. That the simple act of a woman opening up to receive him and being able to take her in his possession will be a great experince for him, and he won't feel the boredom or lack that some men complain about, or say "She doesn't have anything to offer me in that position".

For myself, I would much rather have a less dominant man who would prefer to take the active role than a more dominant one who preferred a passive one, as this would give me a much stronger experience of "maleness" which is what I want most from a man after all. I think men who won't allow a woman to be passive make for bad lovers for women who have a natural female sexuality, even if they don't verbalize their dissatisfaction. Not all women are that in touch with their own true sexuality. Female sexuality is very much influenced by what we feel men wants from us, and the sexual ideals that we receive from our culture. And you have to be courageous to go against it. What if women were to say to "I don't want a man who just lies there - be a man and show me some action". Doesn't really happen, does it? And to be honest it does turn me off sex that I know many men won't appreciate my female sexuality but like me to be more like a man sexually - I just feel like I don't have much to give them compared to what I could have. It's almost like I have to be ashamed to say that I would like the man to be a man and be able to be a woman.