"It's a virtuous circle." GREAT expression, Max! and so true.

Melanie, I've never heard/read anyone express this dynamic better than you just have. It is refreshing to hear another woman say she doesn't need to be punished and that the notion is in fact a bit insulting to her intelligence. Quite a number of times, my husband has asked, "what right do I have to tell you how to behave?" and inwardly, I agree: he doesn't and shouldn't. But I give him the right to decide when to spank me because it keeps that connection strong and sets the proper sexual/emotional dynamic back on course. And as you said, sometimes the inner little girl just needs an external impetus to bring her back to a positive, constructive mindset. It's tiring to always self-regulate; even more so to punish oneself.

What really struck me in your piece, however, was something that noone else has yet addressed. It is absolutely true in my relationship too. The grown woman-little boy interaction exacerbates me and makes me combative. Even before we began DD, the (thankfully infrequent) appearance of his dependent, inner child only bred a kind of scorn which I found difficult to conceal. Not only does it feel bad, it is just plain ineffective for us. To restore and maintain harmony, we NEED the big man-little girl dynamic and we've found that we both function at our optimum that way.
Thanks for another great essay.

What really struck me in your piece, however, was something that noone else has yet addressed. It is absolutely true in my relationship too. The grown woman-little boy interaction exacerbates me and makes me combative.

I think one of the reasons this little fact of life doesn't get mentioned too often is because it flies in the face of the 'ideal' HOH who is at all times the strong, dominant, masculine male who doesn't have to mess with those irritating moments of experiencing his own inner child. Truth is, men are going to relate to their wives this way (dare I say?) at least as much as the wife experiences her own 'little girl' motif.

True, most of the time the husband can take her in hand and in this way allow her to live through this 'little girl' episode. The article and comment above suggests that women get combative when their husbands are acting up. Well, fortunately, the sexual/emotional connection invovled in spanking is at all times interactive and mutually connective so it does work if the husband, even though he is being the 'little boy,' spanks his wife, getting him through his own 'little boy' mood quite well.

The other method, which we use, is switching. I know that is a very unpopular tactic for many women (and men) but if it is not totally aversive to the individuals involved, switching roles (even if only erotic switching) does several things beneficial for the couple intimacy.

First, those who switch find that instead of diminishing the masculine or dominant HOH, switching actually enhances the dominant sense of authority present in relationship interactions.

Second, those who switch find switching does not diminish the submissive qualities of the submissive female, but rather enhances her ability to submit in ways that engender deeper intimacy and connection.

The idea or intention of any power exchange dynamic is to ultimately change our perception of social convention or social constraints that limit our ability to former deeper human connections and I think switching in power exchange does exactly this. I think for both partners in switching relationships, the perceptions they have of 'dominance' and 'submission' will change.

I think most of us do what what we do to enrich our couple connection, a theme I have maintained in my own writing for years. I think we engage in various selective practices in order to enhance this power exchange which thus has the effect of deepening our bonds. Many people will play with this power but most do not understand it, most never will. The many who do experience something like this exchange will view it as such a deeply personal experience they will not have a good way of describing it to others. For convenience these folks will generally refer to stereotype social convention such as the easy definition that dominance means one rules and submission means one is subservient. But this power is not like that. Whichever 'side of the fence' one happens to be on at any time, this exchange in dominance and submission is ultimately only an intimacy that enriches conection and deepens love.

Frank Nelson

I have been using that prase for a decade or two, and of course I was sure it was my own idea. ;-) However, given that a google search yields 33,000 results for that phrase, I can hardly claim originality!

It is refreshing to finally find people who are willing to question the idea of adult women needing behavior modification at the hands of their partners and to accept the basically erotic nature of this dynamic.

It seems to me that this dynamic is not exactly the same for everyone. While I cannot deny there is an erotic element, it is also genuinely about correcting my faults. I have never heard that being an adult has ever prevented anyone from having faults. It certainly has not done so in my case. I am immature and faulty in many ways. One fault of mine in particular that I struggle with is my lack of self-discipline. I find discipline from my husband is very helpful for making up this lack. He does not have to be perfect to help me to become a better person. And the responsibility of disciplining me helps him to become a better person.

JK

Amber wrote:

I don't get the child-connection part that you and so many others feel, but I understand most people seem to feel that aspect with DD. I always feel very adult, just very feminine and submissive. But we're no doubt talking about the same thing and the difference is purely semantics. :-)

I use child and adult to distinguish parts of my psyche that seem so different from each other - I could say ego and id, perhaps, or my impulsive self and controlling self. But “child/adult” gives a more concrete image.

Frank wrote:

True, most of the time the husband can take her in hand and in this way allow her to live through this 'little girl' episode. The article and comment above suggests that women get combative when their husbands are acting up. Well, fortunately, the sexual/emotional connection invovled in spanking is at all times interactive and mutually connective so it does work if the husband, even though he is being the 'little boy,' spanks his wife, getting him through his own 'little boy' mood quite well.

So my instinct to scream at him when he’s acting out of control could be constructive by giving him cause to spank me and relieve his own mood? I have never tried just offering myself to him – I don’t think he’s ready for that. It’s hard enough for him to accept hurting me – I doubt he could do it if I didn’t “deserve” it somehow.

Switching is something we just couldn’t do. Neither of us has any inclination to go the other way - don’t ask me why. These attractions and aversions seem so given, so impervious to any reason or logic, don’t they? Anyhow, I have spanked Paul playfully, and have found that it hurts my hand long before it hurts his butt, so I decided that perhaps it wasn’t in the natural order of things (but we better not open that can of worms). Another reader wrote:

I am curious, Melanie, if I may ask, how does your husband get out of his "little boy attitude" to address your irritation at his behavior successfully? Does this happen later, or is he able to do it "on the spot" so to speak?

My first response to this question was, “I sure hope people don’t start thinking I have this all figured out.” This is still a very new re-arrangement of our relationship. Actually, just last night he was cursing and banging things around because something wasn’t working right. When I hear this, I get all wound up and upset – it’s like I’m plugged into him and his mood flows right into me. All I want to do is make him stop it. Also, I suddenly feel less respect for him. I want him to be always in control, cool, able to take things in stride. So I feel angry because he’s not being the man I want him to be.

But all I did was try to unplug myself emotionally and ignore him until he got over it. If I began expressing my displeasure with him, this would be the grown woman trying to take the boy in hand, which doesn’t work for us. Better for her to stay out of it.

Another time I did what you might call a “little girl/little boy” interaction - I went to him and tearfully told him how I feel scared and insecure when he’s out of control - how I need him to be my rock. He grew up in about two seconds.

LadyK wrote:

It seems to me that this dynamic is not exactly the same for everyone. While I cannot deny there is an erotic element, it is also genuinely about correcting my faults. I have never heard that being an adult has ever prevented anyone from having faults. It certainly has not done so in my case. I am immature and faulty in many ways. One fault of mine in particular that I struggle with is my lack of self-discipline. I find discipline from my husband is very helpful for making up this lack. He does not have to be perfect to help me to become a better person. And the responsibility of disciplining me helps him to become a better person.

I totally agree with this, JK. I do think it’s a bit different for everyone, and I don’t want to imply that someone else’s way is wrong. But I’m not sure we’re that far apart on this. I am immature and faulty, and my self-discipline is pretty awful. And Paul’s discipline helps me improve. I don’t deny this at all. I was just saying that we wouldn’t be doing this if it wasn’t erotic. That if discipline wasn’t erotic for me, I would just be working on my own issues without his help, like most people. My faults are NOT the reason we do discipline; my sexuality is the reason we do discipline. My faults just give us lots of opportunities! And we don’t “switch” – not because he’s perfect, but because our sexuality just doesn’t go that way.

Thanks for all the comments!

Melanie

Frank, I am really intrigued to hear more about how you experience greater intimacy switching. That was an eye-opener for me, as I'd always assumed it worked the same way as the M/f dynamic, just in reverse. You said:

First, those who switch find that instead of diminishing the masculine or dominant HOH, switching actually enhances the dominant sense of authority present in relationship interactions.[and then conversely the same thing happens for the submissive.]

How does that work? do you mean that the one who is usually dominant feels more dominant after (while??) being taken in hand? and how does the submissive find a greater ability to submit -- through experiencing what she does not usually feel? I can understand that the concepts of both dominance and submission would become clearer for having experienced both first-hand, at least temporarily, but maybe you mean something else I haven't yet understood.???

I find my own experience, once again, close to Melanie's. My husband used to occasionally stomp his foot and fret when he was exasperated (not too often, luckily!). That drove me berserk and I just told him how childish and off-putting it was. I should have had the tact to say it made me insecure, but that didn't occur to me. Since the power exchange dynamic has been in effect, that has stopped altogether, but his "inner child" does sometimes manifest in the form of "It's HARD to make all the decisions myself!"

But I digress. I wanted to say that we did actually flirt with the possibility of switching after reading the Spencer Plan (via this site). My husband is fairness personified, and claims to have been brainwashed by 30 years of feminism. He actually handed me a belt to use on him one day when he had screwed up on an early agreement. (We had LOTS of rules at the beginning...) But I found the idea so completely repugnant I was not able to carry through. It wasn't anything I rationalized -- just a visceral repulsion to spanking a man so strong I knew then and there that we could never switch. We are definitely not wired for erotic switching either, though we discussed it.

So, to someone who has experienced it successfully, I am curious to know about the connective power you have discovered in exchanging roles. That would be a fabulous article in itself.

To take up a point made by Claire:

...but his "inner child" does sometimes manifest in the form of "It's HARD to make all the decisions myself!"

A leader is not required to make all decisions himself. In order for your husband to not become fatigued with discussion-making, he might "assign" some decisions to you. He can even do that in a directive way:

(Example Phone call) "... I'm on my way home. We're going out to eat tonight. I want you to choose a restaurant, make a reservation, and be ready to go when I get home."

In that way, he has not relinquished his role as head of the household nor as leader. He has not surrendered an ounce of his power/authority.

Would you feel any less taken in hand if he were to do this occasionally? Or might you feel a rush of adrenaline at the thought of what might happen if you don't have the assignment completed when he arrives?

If he were to do this from time to time, he might find that he has more energy to make the rest of the decisions.