No helpless hysterical heroines here!

When I was little, I loved watching old horror movies on TV.

However, there was one thing that always irritated me about the typical heroine: she was ridiculously helpless. She'd fall flat on her face, for instance, while running away from the monsters.

Every time.

And instead of grabbing the gun, which sat temptingly on the floor right next to her, she'd lay there like a ninny, screaming her fool head off. “Get the gun!” I'd yell at the TV, but she'd be too terrified to do it.

Even if she rallied her wits by some miracle and did grab the gun, either she was too afraid to shoot it, or it would go off in the wrong direction.

The hero ultimately always had to save her, because she was too much of an idiot to do anything for herself.

This seemed rather insulting. I was female, but I knew that if I were in her position, I'd grab that gun in a second and shoot the bad guys dead. And I swore I'd never be stupid enough to fall down while running away.

Yet, when I hit adolescence, I began to get crushes on the heroes in these very same movies: they now seemed strong and dynamic. I found myself reacting instinctively to their strength, to their obvious maleness. Initially, I was deeply ashamed of this. Women's Lib was new and a very big deal and these emotions I felt were confusing. I wanted a man to take care of me in a basic and primitive way, but according to all the new thinking in this area, it seemed I wasn't supposed to feel this way at all.

I wasn't about to tell anyone about this, of course, so I buried it deep down.

When I began dating, I made sure I chose only boys or men I thought I could control. I wasn't aware I was doing this; I thought I was dating them because they were cute or nice. But now I look back and I can see that's exactly what I was doing.

The problem was, once I began to desire them, I opened up and revealed the part of me that naturally wanted to be feminine and submissive. Wanted to have them call the shots, to make the major decisions, to step up and be the man, to provide for me and protect me.

The kind of guys I chose didn't seem to be able to understand this apparent about-face on my part. Or maybe it was my lack of ability in communicating what I wanted. After all, if I couldn't even admit to myself what I really wanted, how in the world was I going to get it across to them?

I tried instinctively in every way I knew. I would tease them, make them chase me, ask them to pretend-rape me, hold me down. I would deliberately pick a verbal fight with them and then be completely outrageous in my behavior, hoping secretly that they would finally become so outraged at my insubordination, that they'd throw me down and hold me, let me feel their superior strength, put their foot down, do something, anything, so I'd know they were strong enough to handle me.

Their reaction was confusion, frustration and finally, anger. I didn't want their anger, I wanted their domination. Finally, I stopped trying to get what I was only vaguely aware I needed and didn't have the words to express.

Eventually I got married and it was an equal partnership all the way.

There was no head of the household; instead, there was a constant battle for that title.

In retrospect, I can see how I would torture my ex-husband by insisting he take charge, and the moment he did, undermine everything he did. Somewhere I've read that over 90 per cent of communication is through non-verbal cues and pheromones. Without saying it out loud, I made it clear that I didn't trust him.

And whether it was because I didn't try hard enough to trust him, or because he wasn't worthy of trust in the first place, eventually he became untrustworthy and non-protective of me and our children.

I left that marriage and it was very painful indeed. However, I was lucky, in that I met the man (who is now my husband) who saw through my strong woman persona to my submissive yearnings, right at the beginning.

However, our marriage did not start out to be quite the fairy tale it should have been. Old habits die hard and I couldn't change completely overnight. Sometimes I'd submit, but sometimes I'd fight his assertiveness, because I was scared. Wanting to trust him but afraid. Afraid I'd lose myself.

I know I'm intelligent, I know I have valuable insight. I did not want to give that up. If I gave him complete control over me, gave him the right to discipline me should I need it, did that mean I had to give up my own strength? My personal sense of who I am?

Would I now have to be the kind of woman I saw in the horror movies so long ago, a woman who was unable to pick up the damn gun that was right there in front of her and use it if she had to?

The answer was, no: I can safely stay myself and stay as strong as I am, but my husband can be stronger when I need him to be.

In our marriage, my husband is the head of our household, something I always longed for. But this does not mean I'm a doormat, or have no rights, or no power. It simply means that he's the CEO of the marriage and I'm the next-in-charge.

This does not mean he's a dictator, but a loving leader. And it doesn't mean I'm an idiot unable to take care herself: I'm a strong woman who looks up to her man and believes he will make the right decisions for the both of us.

My husband loves my intelligence and strong spirit. He enthusiastically encourages me to come to him with any and all thoughts, concerns, ideas, or requests I might have. At any time. Even when I disagree with him, he is not threatened by me. He is supremely secure in the sure knowledge that he has final say. As I am content and safe in knowing that my husband loves me above all else and has only our best interests at heart.

Amber

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Have you seen the following articles?
Could you be a slave, owned, property?
Getting To "I Do", by Patricia Allen: a book review
Asserting dominance physically forcefully
Enjoying our relationship
A good leader accepts that he is only human
Each relationship is a unique work in progress
If I asked for the moon...
Being taken in hand was really rather super
The dance of consent
The subjection of women

2003 Dec 15 - 08:14 | login or register to post comments | latest article | previous article | next article |

Wanting a masterful man

Amber, you reminded me a lot of myself as a girl, adolescent, woman. When I was about 11, my best friend and I would talk about the "masterful" men we wanted, in great detail. Interesting that this urge to be mastered came long before any urge to have sex. Later on I learned that I shouldn't want that. I shouldn't want a man to be stronger than me; I shouldn't want him to provide for me; and I certainly shouldn't want him to correct my bad behavior over his knee! I stuffed all these desires into a box and labeled it "outdated desires that belong in romance novels, not real life." But the desires kept seeping out of the box.

I grew up strong, smart, and independent, yet I always harbored the secret wish that I would meet a man who was even stronger. I never wanted to hold myself back, to pretend to be less than I was to make a guy feel masculine. And yet, when I felt a strong sexual attraction to someone, I immediately wanted to submit to him and be disciplined by him. I never got more than a threat or two, which just left me wondering what I'd have to do to make him carry out that threat.

I remember one guy I was dating saying that he liked me because I was so independent, and how it annoyed him that so many women wanted to be taken care of. My desire to date him died that moment. But part of me agreed with him, and was ashamed of my desire to be taken care of.

The crux of the matter is that we don't *need* to be taken care of, but we *want* to be. We're not helpless weaklings, but we want a man who can stand up to us. We're not generally submissive people, but when we meet the right man, we want to submit to *him.* And it is difficult and confusing to grow up with these desires in a women's lib culture. Wonderful piece, Amber.

Melanie

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by Melanie on 2003 Dec 15 - 16:22 | login or register to post comments

great explanation!

I thank you Melanie for your explanation. I am currently in a relationship where these submissive feelings have suddenly appeared in me and I couldn't figure out how to reconcile them with my independent personality. What I see now is that there must be immense trust between the partners and I do not have that with this current man and I don't think I can give it to him. But at least I understand myself and the nature of this type of relationship much better so when the right guy comes along, I'll know it and know how to work with it.

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2004 Apr 9 - 01:10 | login or register to post comments

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