I can't speak from experience because (hankies out) I haven't had a proper Taken In Hand relationship yet. But when it happens I can't imagine wanting the dynamic between us to be visible to others at all. To let it leak out into the real world in a way only we understand - sure, I think that might be fun. But the point of that kind of game is the irony of its not being sussed.

I think my own preference actually is to treat my partner in public as my Queen - to be more respectful, more considerate, more devoted and attentive than most blokes are towards their women. If others wonder, especially other women (because I think if my partner's likely to be interested in anyone's speculation, it's theirs) what exactly she's got that makes her so treasured - all the better. She'll deserve eyebrows to be raised in that way.

How much I drink and when are one of the first things my husband took control of when I offered him control. I'm not allowed to drink before the children go to bed at nine and also not unless I ask him first. I have been severely taken in hand on at least one occasion for breaking that rule.

The last time we were out on a date I had a lovely huge long island iced tea on an empty stomach. The food took so long and the drink was so yummy I just couldn’t help myself from overindulging. Also I love that relaxed feeling the drink gives me. When I fell asleep promptly as soon we got home from our romantic date my husband was not too happy. He told me I am no longer going to be able to order any drinks when we are out on a date because I just can't handle it. We had a romantic evening planned without the kids. It did turn out to be a romantic evening when I woke up about two hours later, but he was plenty annoyed by then. Understandably too.

I guess I wouldn't be embarrassed if he reminded me in public that I couldn't have a drink. At least not with most of our friends. If it was a work colleague or certain relatives I might not be too happy. I doubt he would do it in front of someone like that. But if I did have the drink, especially if he reminded me before we went out not to order one I would be in a great deal of trouble. I really can't imagine being that brazenly disobedient.

But most of our friends would probably think there was nothing strange about a husband telling his wife how much alcoholic beverage she was allowed to consume. Most of our friends are very “husband is head of the wife” for religious reasons and so it would seem natural to them. They would probably think I shouldn't be drinking anyway or at least shouldn’t be getting drunk or tipsy so they would agree with his requirment.

I guess I would be embarrased if I was with a really liberated woman or couple and my husband told me what I could or couldn't do. I suppose I should be braver and stick to my own values. Yet it's hard to go against the social values of the society I live in.

ABW, you said:

I’d like an official code of public conduct. You can put that in caps. Of course, when I told him so, he merely smiled.

Why 'of course'? If you want to keep the nature of your relationship private, shouldn't you come to an agreement about what he will and won't do in public? Surely he doesn't wish to embarrass you in the way he did.

He could let you order your own drinks, since "you don't want the outside world to see this exchange of power". And if your order goes against an agreement you've made, or what he knows to be your own long-term wishes, only then should he intervene. You'll be embarrassed then, but you'll know you're to blame.

Theo
chas_daryahoo.co.uk

The illustration I used apparently has distracted from my original question. Do you behave differently in public than in private?

I suppose I'm wondering if, in this primarily vanilla society, some of us are completely at home with our lifestyle choice, or if many of us, myself included, still feel the stigma of societal censure on relationships of the Taken In Hand variety.

In a society where an individual's sanity and emotional stability can be called into question, especially professionally, I feel quite reticent to allow the outside world that intimate glimpse of how I function on an elemental level. Not wanting to invite questions regarding competence, confidence, and general character, I tend to be supremely private regarding my Taken In Hand association with my husband.

Having a desire to yield, especially sexually, to a strong man, one who can withstand the torrents of opinion which I'm prone to unleashing; One to whom I feel equal in mental capacity, talent, character and emotional health, while remaining positively female in his very male presence, doesn't render me somehow less capable of functioning in society. As a matter of fact, I feel more capable, more fully and truly the best version of my self; due in no small part, to my self awareness within the parameters of my relationship. My desire to follow my husband’s lead doesn’t not preclude my own abilities as a leader.

Louise mentioned limits, and yes, as an anonymous reader confirmed, we all have them, though each individual’s limits are unique to that person’s needs and experiences. Louise is comfortable with her husband’s clothing choices, while I, on the other hand, would absolutely draw the line right there and damn and dare the husband who crossed it! My man would have me dressed like a 1980’s Tory Party Wanna Be. Pat apparently had the same emotional response as I to my husband overstepping an unspoken boundary in public; embarrassment, while Forty Something Wife accepts her husband’s control and his manner of manifesting it as perfectly acceptable.

As Carl so aptly remarked

To let it leak out into the real world in a way only we understand - sure, I think that might be fun. But the point of that kind of game is the irony of its not being sussed.

There is an element of very adult play in how I personally relate to my man. The dynamics are infused, absolutely saturated with sexual tension. It’s great fun to use our private code in public, as long as I have the feeling I’m leaving the whole world in the dark regarding the deeper meaning. As previously discussed on this site, there is delicious sensuality in the non sexual way Taken In Hand couples often relate to one another. That is entirely the case with my own relationship.

I did remark upon my surprise when my husband ordered for me, as he generally is completely respectful, and as Carl hopes to one day do with a partner, treats me as his queen in public. Normally, any directive I receive from my husband, even at home, is posed in a polite and courteous manner. At home, in the privacy of our own little world, I often respond to a concern on his part with a playful, “Yes Sir.” It gives both us a charge and thrill that ordinary exchanges miss.

Theo suggested I obtain that Code OF Conduct I mentioned. One of the reasons I searched for information on relationships such as my own, was to clarify and define my reality. As I mentioned in the readers forum, my husband and I have developed as a couple without ever discussing it. We naturally relate to one another in a Taken In Hand sort of way. My reading on this site is an attempt to clarify and define our relationship, mainly for my own peace of mind. My husband has no desire for rules or labels. It will be interesting to discover if the posts on this site interest him as they do me.

Again, the question is merely whether or not you and your beloved behave differently in public than you do in private. I’ve probably heaped a bundle of fluff on top of that query to further distract.

Thank you all for your interesting replies

Ameribritwife

That sounds lovely! It just shows what a wise man your hubby is, Ameribritwife.

I certainly wouldn't dress like a 1980s Tory wanabee -whatever that is - if my husband wanted me to, because I suspect it would mean wearing dresses, and I hate dresses. The way my husband would really like me to dress would be something resembling Jane Fonda in 'Barbarella', or possibly Raquel Welch in 'One Million Years B.C.' At my time of life and my size though it is simply not on. However, I do wear the kind of underwear he likes, it is extremely silly but it gives him immense pleasure, and he doesn't mind so much what's on top (usually jeans or leggins) so long as it's tight. After all, if he's willing to spank me (and spanking wasn't something he was in to at all before he met me) I don't feel it's too much for him to ask me to wear daft underwear.

Go Louise!

I've been reading through the site, and have come to the conclusion that you have a lovely sense of humor. I'm not sure which frightens me more; the thought of slipping into something scanty and furry, or the Maggie Thatcher look, circa 1982. Either way, I feel my husband has far better things to do with his valuable time than concern himself with my clothing! Actually, he seldom comments on my clothing, except to suggest I hike my skirt higher, under certain circumstances. Come to think of it, he has also voiced undergarment preferences. What is it about suspender belts and stockings that give men such pleasure?

Here's to pleasing the partners in our lives! (invisible mug raised on high)

Cheers,
Ameribritwife

Again, I don't have much time, so I must be brief, but let me just mention a few of the many different considerations, here:

1. Does the woman have a taste for humiliation? If not, then any publicly humiliating treatment is likely to be very unwise. Dignity and respect is important to many women. For women who don't like being humiliated, Carl's approach sounds good to me.

2. Is the woman a private sort of person or a let-it-all-hang-out public sort of person? If she is a private person, she might well not enjoy having what seems such a private matter (her intimate sexual connection with her man, her sexuality, etc.) made public. Having private information made public without consent is a terrible violation, and can in some cases be unforgivable. So again, my advice to men is to tread very carefully and with sensitivity and consideration. Not every woman can function in a let-it-all-hang-out or public way. Given that Taken In Hand is not acceptable in society, it is likely that even a woman who is generally open and happy to talk about her innermost desires publicly might not feel comfortable for the neture of the relationship to be publicly viewable.

3. Public/semi-public/private: Where/what/who? It might be that in public hundreds of miles from home, in a place where you will not be recognised, the woman might enjoy displaying the nature of the relationship in a way that she certainly wouldn't if you were at home, with friends, or anywhere she might be recognised. Or it might be that she might like it when with friends but not more publicly, or she might like it when with some friends but not others. These are possibilities to discuss rather than make too many assumptions about.

4. Things can change. What might be unacceptable now might not be so next week or next year, and vise versa. Do not assume that preferences don't change. They often do.

The funny thing is, your friend could have asked you exactly the same question. Why do you assume that your way of relating to men is going to bring you more happiness than hers will for her?

"Pat"

Pat, because my way of relating to men already does make me happier. Since I've been working on fixing my attitude myself, I've had much happier relationships. Although I haven't found "the one" yet, I know that this way works for me. As to how I knew about my friend, well, let's just say she has a habit of complaining to me about her boyfriends. Needless to say, I would not use the same approach for a total stranger. I'm assuming every adult has the right to live in any sort of relationship he or she chooses.

Louise, I said I'm not in a relationship right now. That doesn't mean I have no experience in this. I did have a relationship in which we tried to use some aspects of DD, but the relationship didn't end up working, not because of the DD but because we were just wanting different things out of life. However, I am still friends with that person, I think largely because I was respectful to him and treated him like a man and not like an unwanted naughty puppy who was invading my life. I've seen the way many women treat their husbands, and it makes me cringe. Either way, as I told Pat, I know what this is what _I_ want for my life. You and every other adult human has the right to choose whatever is right for you.

A good bit of food for thought and thanks, Pat. I certainly didn't mean to imply that other relationships aren't happy. My parents were blissfully married for 40 years until my dad passed away last year, and afaik there was no "taken in hand" involved. More what I was getting at was that this is what feels right for me. As to my friend complaining about her boyfriends, well you'd have to have been there. Most of her complaints involved not bad behavior on the part of the boyfriend, but on the part of her. Of course, this was a very specific example and not meant to be generalized to everyone. I know many couples are very happy in other relationship styles. But hey.. we're all different, which is what makes it great to be human, right?

I do not think Louise will be alone very much longer. Some man will find her with her "New Attitude" and snap her up.

I have been out in the singles world for a while and submissive women are a rare commodity.

Ladies, if you want to get married, dye your hair blonce with a fwe nice curls, put on a dress and start saying yes sir. You won't last two weeks until some man pounces on you.

I have thought about giving seminars on this. I see desperate women out there flailing around trying to get a man and they are dressed like they just changed the oil on their car.

If men dressed as badly as women do, we would all be wearing t-shirts with holes in them and jeans with holes in the knees.

If you don't want to submit that is fine with me. I don't think you will change a lot of minds arguing your point on this site.

I had a girlfriend and I put a collar and leash on her and took her out for a walk one night. It was the best thing I ever did.

There is no need to make a scene in a restaurant. A simple look or a whisper is all that is needed.

You women should try being submissive for a week and see what happens, you can always go back.

John

We tend to be rather private as far as strangers go, regarding our power exchange relationship. However, in the home, our teenage son is aware.

Just today, I responded to my husband about something in a way he did not like, and so he said, "Would you like to take a trip upstairs?" Our son chuckled which watching TV and said, "Forget it, she likes that."

I know my 17 year old son knows something is going on, even though we have tried to keep it from all of the kids. I don't think any of our younger children have any idea. Teenagers just pick up on things you don't expect them to figure out.

The reason I know he knows something is, a couple of days ago I said I was thinking about getting a tattoo. He said, "Will you be getting a tattoo of a paddle on your butt?" I just laughed and said, "Ha Ha, that's funny, but NO!" I have no idea where he got such an idea, but he seems to know something.

I personally would be very embarrassed if my husband told me off or something in public. it does not mean we are 'role playing', since I do take my husband's authority seriously outside of the bedroom, it simply means I don't want to be embarrassed in public. There's a difference between taking something seriously and wanting it made an exhibition of. Wanting something to be private does not make it 'role playing'.

If we are in a public place and I have said or done something that my husband disapproves of, he can make it known to me with a quiet remark like "we'll talk about this later" (and I know perfectly well what he means by "talk") or sometimes just a glance is enough. We don't have to advertise it.

Jodima, I am also not a feminist, and I find very few people who would say the same thing. I would love to have an email dialog about the reasons you chose not to embrace feminism - and why I chose not to do so. Let me know if you would be up for that.

Sharon