Whatever does "jerking a knot" in his wife's rear end mean?

One thing you miss is that when a woman needles and pushes buttons it is often the man who has been at fault. I know for myself, I went through a very bad year with my husband some years back. A dear friend of ours died and he reacted by making really awful insensitive jokes about this friend.

At first I asked him nicely not to make these jokes around me because I found them upsetting. His response was that I "shouldn't" be upset by them because he meant no harm. This is completely in violation of taking one's partner's feelings into account. He kept making the hurtful jokes, and eventually I had enough.

For a number of months, this friend's name was the trigger word: whoever uttered it, it would end up in a fight. He didn't let up on the jokes so I came to feel that he didn't care how I felt. Thus, my needling and button pushing began.

None of this starts in a vacuum, Noone, and rather than whipping her butt, perhaps the "man in charge" ought to look WITHIN himself and see where his own actions have goaded her into poor behavior.

In our case we went to marriage counseling. I can assure you that if he had spanked me for the needling that HE caused, I would have packed my bags and left. The marriage counseling helped.

Now, six years later, he's finally realized just how painful and obnoxious those jokes were, and he realizes that he played a major part in turning me into a needling button-pusher during that time. How did that happen? Another friend of ours died and my husband was grieving over it..and some smartaleck pal of his made the SAME kind of obnoxious jokes about this man. Amazing! He wanted to slug the guy, because it finally dawned on him that this kind of joking about the dead HURTS!

So rather than "jerking a knot" on his wife's rear end I think a hubby who is being needled should take a serious look at his own behavior. A few women are nasty and would be needling anyway. That, he should have found out before he married her. If she has suddenly turned on him, the problem may be staring him right in the mirror.

"Pat"

Wow! You and I seem to have diametrically opposing views of Noone's piece. I love it. That is why I put it on the front page. Noone's writing about relationships really speaks to me, and his marriage looks very healthy to me. I find Noone's calm, laid back but thoroughly in charge sort of attitude very soothing. So if there are more men like Noone out there, I for one will be cheering.

A few years ago - as I recall on Tom Newman's old traditional marriage board - I addressed the issue of men provoking women. My advice, then and now, is for men to make sure that they do not provoke unseemly behavior in women with whom they are intimate.

At the same time, men should not tolerate termagant behavior in their wives. It has been scientifically proven (American Psychosomatic Society) to be detrimental to a man's health.

I owe my own company, I pay the bills of my mother's house and mine, and I have found a strong woman who means everything to me. Without her I would be lost and run over with work and worry. In a few short months back to back she has helped me feel like a man again in business and in life...this Christmas I asked her to marry me. I am 38 and single and have never asked someone for their hand in marriage. I told her that I wanted her to say that she would love me honor me and obey me. I am not a sexual monster BUT she told me YES she would marry me and NO she would not make those vows.

She always challenges my business decisions, as she is now my accountant at the company. The other day I almost rolled out of my skin when I heard her speaking to one of my clients explaining that it was OUR business instead of mine she was helping me with...I now notice that she has had major issue with my clarifying that it is my business and that she has helped me greatly. That it is OUR life that we share and it is for that reason I pray she has dedicated herself to me and why I find myself selfless in her presence. I want her as a life’s partner not a business partner and I want her as a woman not a Co-Manager....

In all of this I need your help here...I agree with Noone and while I do not want to lose this woman I now have no sexual drive for her. I do not want to be with her sexually. I have no attraction for her just months after I have asked her to marry me! We are with each other at work at home and weekends...I was single and now I have found WHAT?

I just can not afford to lose her in my business or in my life, but my business is the way I have my shield and my love is the way I wield my sword for what is mine and is hers for the taking but when it is demanded or the assumption is made of it before I have confirmed it I have a REAL PROBLEM and it seems as if now that things are turning around she still wants the man I was not when she met me. I have a real problem with that...

YOUR THOUGHTS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN? She is 41 and I 38...I am going crazy with this very thing that Noone speaks of.

One last comment: her father and I get along very well...her mother barks at him and he gets cranky and resistant and then just gives up and stands down...I'll be single again I fear with ALL lost for pride or for the meaning of Noone's writing that I feel is in my soul. My father always told me that you will know the right woman because she will help you get where you are going without steering unless she is told to. I wish I could talk to him now.

You say you can't afford to lose her in your business. If that is the case then it sounds to me very much as if it is her business as well as yours, if it was just your business then you wouldn't need her so much. Why do you object to her being your partner in business as well as in marriage?

I can see why you would be bothered by her referring to the business as "ours." Unless you have told her otherwise, it is your business. The fact that she is already anticipating it is in part hers before she has a ring on her finger could make you nervous. You've never been married before, but you're likely old enough to have seen friends lose their shirts in bitter divorces. I certainly wouldn't blame someone in your position for being a little leary.

That being said, if you thought she were a gold digger only after your business, you wouldn't have asked her to marry you in the first place.

It's my guess that your bigger worry is about losing control in both your business and your relationship. You want to lead the business, and the relationship, and she may not like to be led. If it is important to you to lead the relationship, you need to have someone who can accept that position. It is possible that she doesn't see you as worthy of obedience yet, but I think it's more likely that she's like my best friend who is "her own woman." Some women just weren't built to be in a male led relationship. They feel it somehow diminishes them. If this is truly important to you I suggest you talk to her now. Maybe if she understands why you want to lead and sees that it's not because you're an ogre, but because you love her, that will be enough. Or maybe that's just not her thing. Either way you owe it to both of you to find out before the "I dos"

Michael, my point is that it takes two to tango. There are very often reasons why a person feels driven to unpleasant behavior. Before leaping to the judgment that "she needs to be spanked," a sensible man should take a good look at himself and decide whether his own behavior hasn't somehow set it off.

You make it all sound sweet and cloying. It's noteworthy to me that my husband has now realized and apologized for his part in what happened, and says now that he bore more than half the responsibility for the problem. If he'd "taken me in hand" back then without that bit of self knowledge, we'd be divorced now.

"Pat"

I think the whole thing is patronizing. If you want to bring a woman into helping you out in your business but you want to keep a professional, highly skilled person as the good little helpmeet, you are barking up the wrong tree in the first place.

Men seem to do this..get their girlfriends into helping them on an aspect of the business..often at no pay..oh, btw, are you paying her? Were you paid, Mike's Girl?

But heaven forbid she should have an opinion about the business and how it is run. This despite her having the expertise, this despite her caring deeply about the man and wanting his business to succeed. This is overstepping? I don't think so. Why shouldn't she think of it as a joint venture when she is already working for you and marriage is in the offing?

If you want a good little helpmeet who won't argue with you, then hire one. But she likely won't have the business savvy either. As far as self help books to tell a woman how to behave in a marriage, please. My vote is with Louise.

I think it's cold feet plus ego that is causing the problem. Here's a woman who is eager and willing to help him in any way possible, even if it means disagreeing with him (good for her!). But that's not what he wants now. OK: fire this woman, watch your business head south, and find that obedient little helpmeet you believe you want. Live together happily on much less money than you would have had with your strong woman. Poverty is worth it when the woman knows her place, eh?

(If anyone thinks I'm overdoing this, note that HE says he needs her in his business. So it heading south without her is a valid supposition).

"Pat"

I am the guy some comments back...I wanted to thank ALL of you for your comments. I can't believe how deeply and honestly you have all wrote to me on my problem here. I'm big on the self help books but realize that some are not...I like the idea of the mind gearing thing with the feelings and the logical thoughts being tied together...I'm a bit out of the water there but I think you have made yourself clear enough for me to understand. I think you are all wise and your opinions come from life as well as things and the heart...I'm almost choked up...I do mean that...

To all U Guys -n- Girls THANK YOU AGAIN!!!

I agree, I am new to this site, and notice that this post is quite old, so unsure how current this topic is. One of the hesitations I have is the, shall we say 'quaint', way men refer to their wives. My (soon to be) wife is intelligent, educated, successful and completely capable of living independently. However, the fact that she chooses to pursue this with me is a very, very important first step and an indication of her free will and compliance, which can only be a good start. Yes, I will make the major decisions but crucially, I will also shoulder the ramifications of those decisions. Some will be wrong, I will need to be man and adult enough to bear those consequences. And I will be. If I can't earn the complete love, whole-hearted respect and obedience of my wife, then I don't deserve it. I must say as a slightly old-fashioned Englishman, you American guys do seem a different breed and I am wading through a lot of posts from some men that are very difficult to take seriously, so I am glad to have found this post by Greg. However, I am going to persist because there is really nothing similar to this over here in the U.K

Manhood is in a state of crisis and speaking as a guy who has never doubted the power of masculinity and revels in it, it would be nice to find like minded brethren that celebrate manhood, enjoy taking the lead, want to make their wives feel loved and aren't afraid of being a real man.

In the last few days I have started to implement a Taken In Hand relationship with my new partner in response to an almost identical scenario as you describe above.

I am a competent, capable, qualified businesswoman who has offered (erroneously, it would appear) to help my new man sort out his business finances. He is great at doing the billable work but needed assistance at managing the financial side of the business. Needless to say, allowing me to see this has emasculated him (in his own eyes) and caused me to view him as less of a man than I did before.

Having recently discovered, and voraciously devoured, the content of this site, the concept of a Taken In Hand marriage has restored my hope for finding a contented, loving and sexually thrilling relationship. Being the thoroughly educated girl that I am, I rushed out and read 'The Surrendered Wife', 'Getting to I Do' and 'The Surrendered Single' (all excellent tomes), all of which helped me to flesh out the Taken In Hand concepts that I did not fully understand.

My point is that I wish to relinquish the involvement in my beau's business, and the handling of the finances in general, in order to restore him to the position of leadership in our relationship that we both want him to have. For the short time that I was involved in the business, I felt stressed by the burden, resentful of how he was allocating money, and actually quite angry toward him. I completely lost my sexual desire for him and, as sex is important to me, it would have killed our relationship before much longer.

Subsequent to reading the books and this website, I have gently introduced him to many of the Taken In Hand philosophies and he is taking to them like a duck to water. He is a natural, gentle and respectful leader and is loving what is coming back to him from me (even though he doesn't know why I've made an 'about face'). Our desire for each other is electric and I am feeling aroused at a level, and with frequency, I would not have known to be possible.

With regards to his business finances, I will trust his judgment, without being financialy naive (it is sooooo hard to let go of that control!), and allow him to find another solution to this issue. He may conclude a bookkeeper would be a more suitable option, I don't know, but it WILL be his decision ultimately.

So, in response to the earlier post, don't burden your intended with your business decisions if you want her to remain your romantic partner in a Taken In Hand type marriage (indeed any marriage). Do some reading if you want to understand 'Why?' this is happening if you feel the need, but I can tell you, from a woman's point of view, it was a real passion killer for me!

It may be some time before I overtly discuss The Surrendered Wife and Taken In Hand philosophies with him, but in the meantime he is getting all the adoring approval, affirmation and sex he requires and I am feeling more secure, protected, contented and desired than I knew was possible!