I, too, find it very soothing when a man is decisive and firmly makes a decision when I am vacillating or unsure what I want. I think many women feel the same way.

I think many modern women have these feelings and feel embarrassed about it. It goes against everything we are supposed to want. It sounds, on the face of it, diminishing to the woman. Is she a competent adult or a young child? It can feel very disturbing to want a man to stand firm, as Tevemer suggests. And yet, it is undeniable: we want that. Not all women, obviously. Not even all Taken In Hand women. But some Taken In Hand women most definitely do want this. And of those women, a large percentage need to deal with the fact that wanting a man to make decisions and stick to them is regarded as beyond the pale even by some Taken In Hand folk, let alone more conventional, egalitarian folk.

If you have gone through this, or are wrestling with this, I hope you will feel able to write about it on Taken In Hand. You are not alone.

Yes, it's easier if someone sticks to his decision. If he doesn't, it's confusing.

The bed time example would be very hard for me, although I think it's important couples go to bed at the same time and in general if practicable don't see why an informed decision by the man about that isn't the best way to decide it...although even then some people need 6 hours sleep a night and some 8.

In effect if you have a family it means you get no free time in the example given. That's a huge thing to ask a mother. You can't do what you wants at 6am because either she's talking to her husband because he asked her to get up to be with him or else the children get up. So in essense it means I am depriving you of 100% of your free time. I suppose if he said but in return I will take the children out for 5 hours every weekend and you can catch up on your admin etc then that just about might be an acceptable compromise. So I suppose I mean I find the principle fine but the example difficult.

I am the product of the Women's Movement of the 1970's - a period during which I was in college. I'm considered well-educated (2 undergraduate degrees and 1 Masters), and I made my career in what was then an unconventional field for women (and which may be becoming so again). Let me say, by the way, that I am still a committed feminist and believe in equal rights and opportunities for women.

At the time, the work environment felt a bit hostile, since it was believed that women could not excel in areas which required logic and mathematics, so some men fed an already deep resentment I felt by treating me inferior to them intellectually. In short, I spent quite a bit of time pissed off.

I am a VERY alpha female. So much so that I never really gave men who expressed dominant behaviors any sort of consideration, because I felt that any relationship with such a male would have been impossible to sustain. I also quite frankly knew deep in my bones that such men would never find me an attractive option (and I believe they probably never did ). I was very competitive, and adopted many male behaviors to try to discourage those around me from thinking of me as an "incapable female"...

I believe, now, that I am a mature woman, I realize that this was probably a mistake, as I never fell deeply in love in my life, and I believe that I may have passed up some opportunities to do so.

It took very long to realize that the resentments towards men were doing me more harm than good. Now that I've reached my 50's and am not really expecting to find a soul mate, I can truthfully say that I believe relationships are a balancing act, and that forging a life is an effort that has no true rules of thumb. The best life is the adventurous one, and it is important to try things before concluding they won't work for you.

So sleep together or don't. Folks can give you opinions and some few have insights, but the bottom line is to find what works by trying it out and making adjustments as you go along...

Irindel - A Fan of Lara Croft

I tend to give in pretty quickly when we are in disagreement about something. I want to make him happy, I also asked him to take control, so it only makes sense that I should honor that.

That being said, there are times when it is hard for me to reconcile his desires. A few weeks back I got in a bit of hot water over my cell phone habits. My belief is that cell phones ARE car phones, designed to be used in the car. I also believe that it is no more dangerous to have a cell phone conversation while driving than it is to talk to a passenger. Probably less dangerous as it is impossible to look at who you are talking to on the phone, so you keep your eyes on the road. He and my hairbrush apparently believe differently. While I have given up the behavior it hasn't stopped the argument. I just have it in my own sneaky little way: "Do you want a piece of gum?" "Are you sure it's safe to chew it while I walk?" or upon seeing an idiot driver: "perhaps it would help him to talk on his cell phone"

All of course said with an innocent smile and a quick kiss to ease any irritation. I think we both know at some level the issue isn't yet resolved, but he is happy enough just knowing that I'm no longer using the phone while I drive. For my part I think it's a silly rule, but it's not so important an issue to me that I can't generally abide by his wishes. Of course on a long boring drive I'm not making any promises. Driving while chatting is infinitely less dangerous than driving while dozing, but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

I find it interesting that the boss mentions embarrassment in relation to this kind of exchange between a husband and wife, as my reaction would never be such. My immediate response might be resistance, not wanting to get up, but to me this is one of the clearest examples of the use of discipline to keep the relationship intact, whole and healthy. The suggestion of a spanking simply added the thrilling element I love and seek. When that was added, I would begin to think through what was actually being asked..... and it was a request to spend time with him.
My lack of embarrassment may stem from the fact that I do not sense any form of behavior correction here, instead I see a husbsand using the consent given to him by his wife to lead their relationship and keep it whole...This is what I want from my husband, and I would see the value in it and love him deeply for it. To me it says he values not only me but us, and what woman doesn't what that?

As far as it going against what we want, I am not sure that is true either, at least it is not true for me. I want this dynamic, and that means I have given him consent to use it. I have done that for a specific reason and that does not mean I am not a modern woman......in fact, because I have done exactly that probably means I am. I am the one who made this choice in reality, not him. He is basically doing what I have asked him to do. Of course he could choose not to do it. It actually requires the consent of both of us for it to work. So, it really isn't about a man deciding to do this to a woman, the woman has already decided it for herself, and her husband has consented along with her to be a part of it together with her. It's a partnership, a sexual one they share and enjoy and it's enriching to them both, or I suspect they would do something else.