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For the benefit of new readers, may I stress that many Taken In Hand couples do not employ ‘discipline’ in their relationships. Some (DeeMarie, for example) enjoy other kinds of violent engagement but not ‘discipline’, and many do not like any kind of violence, disciplinary or otherwise (Bramble, for example). But this article is relates to those who do employ ‘discipline’ in their Taken In Hand relationship and would not want a relationship without punishment spankings or other ‘discipline’.

I know that some Taken In Hand folk get exasperated with those who deny the eroticism of serious punishment spanking, and I myself have often argued that the emperor isn't wearing any clothes, but given that I am a person for whom the idea of being spanked is... well... entirely uninteresting, not my cup of tea (except when I read articles like this one), perhaps I am in a good position to see both sides' positions, here!

On the one hand, there are those who are firmly in the “disciplinary spanking is definitely sexual” camp. On the other hand, there are those who believe that being disciplined is never sexual. Both groups want discipline in their lives.

As I have argued in this series, I think the truth is somewhere between (or perhaps different from either of) the two ends of the spectrum. Being taken in hand doesn't necessarily imply anything physical. It doesn't have to involve spanking. The idea of being spanked leaves some Taken In Hand folk completely cold, in fact. Some would not want to be taken in hand physically at all. Others enjoy being physically taken in hand but don't like ‘discipline’.

Being taken in hand can be physical but it is primarily psychological. And when you understand its psychology, it is easy to see why for some individuals, it is vital that the spanking is serious, painful and non-sexual.

The absolute refusal to admit that there is anything sexual about ‘discipline’ is functional in such individuals' psychology. They do not experience it as sexual, and they do not think of it as sexual, and if they did, it would immediately lose its power to create an intense sexual connection between the two individuals. These women enjoy feeling a little afraid of their husband.

The idea that they are married to a man who would not hesitate to use force to bring them (back into) to subjection is positively thrilling – as well as relaxing – for them. They are positively delighted that there have been (rare) occasions when their husbands have taken them firmly and forcefully in hand against their will and in such a thorough way that sex was the last thing on their minds. The dynamics between these women and their husbands would not be the same without this.

The knowledge that they really might be overpowered and forcefully and thoroughly and painfully taken in hand against their will is a very important part of what makes their relationship work. Many women fear that they will end up walking all over their husband. The knowledge that their husband will keep them in subjection using force against their will if necessary allows such women finally to stop worrying and relax.

When such a woman has been seriously, thoroughly and forcefully taken in hand, she is at peace. When she is taken in hand in that way, it banishes all possible doubt that the man is really in charge. It is no longer possible to retain doubts about whether or not the ‘unequal’ nature of their relationship is real. It is absolutely and totally clear that this is not a game, and that her husband can handle her.

Conversely, if such a woman knew that her husband would never take her in hand forcefully and in that moment against her will, their relationship would feel too egalitarian; the two of them would feel too similar, no longer aware of the delightful differences between them. It would no longer feel as though the man were in control. It would feel to these individuals more like a game and less real.

So some Taken In Hand couples do want there to be – very occasional – serious, thorough, hardcore force against the woman's will at the time it happens. And some such couples do not see the connection between these interactions and their sexual connection, and do not experience it as being in any way sexual.

The sort of interaction I have been discussing is, by its very nature, not something that happens every day. For most people, engaging in this kind of interaction on a daily basis would be exhausting and unpleasant. It would drive out the good feelings in the relationship instead of magnifying them. It might well be abusive.

Other Taken In Hand folk like spanking and want lots of it. Clearly, the daily spanking sessions they have cannot be the sort of interaction I have been discussing above. The emotional tone must be less intense and more fun, or at least less serious and more obviously positive and consensual. Indeed, for some of these Taken In Hand folk, the idea of the ‘non-consensual’ interactions I have been discussing is absolutely appalling. They never have those kinds of interactions and would never want to. They need the consensual and sexual nature of their ‘disciplinary’ interactions to be more evident in each and every encounter. These individuals engage in lots of ‘disciplinary spanking’ but they experience it as being sexual, even at the time in some cases.

Another group of ‘discipline’ enthusiasts who take the view that their spanking is not sexual do so because their ‘disciplinary’ interactions have the appearance and style of CP role playing (for example, they talk about the woman ‘misbehaving’, ‘infractions’, ‘rules’ and ‘consequences’, and the woman is spanked ‘over the knee’ and may be made to stand in the corner like a ‘naughty little school child’) but in their psychology the spanking needs to feel (and be!) more real than it would do if it were just a role-playing game. If they think of what they are doing as being real and serious and non-sexual, that increases the power of the dynamic for them and allows them to maintain a more intense sexual connection than would be possible for them if they experienced what they are doing as being sexual.

Many Taken In Hand and DD individuals are also spankos, enjoying so-called ‘erotic spanking’ as well as (what they experience as) ‘serious disciplinary non-sexual spanking’. Such individuals often feel the need to keep these two kinds of interaction separate in their minds. For some at least, if they do not maintain this distinction and rigid separation in their minds, all their interactions would effectively be of the spanking-for-fun variety, and the Taken In Hand aspect of their relationship would disappear, leaving them feeling decidedly frustrated and dissatisfied. So for some, maintaining that their ‘punishment spanking’ is not sexual in any way, and experiencing it that way too, is an effective way of maintaining the Taken In Hand dynamic even in the mind of a woman who loves being spanked.

Moving on to another group, some experience being physically taken in hand as being non-sexual because in their minds being taken in hand is more about creating harmony between the two individuals than it is about creating a sexual connection. These individuals are aware of the blissful peace they feel when they have been taken in hand physically, but they do not experience that as being in any way sexual. They feel safe, secure, loved, and protected, but not sexual. Yet this dynamic does bring them together as man and wife, and this is not the kind of thing they would feel comfortable doing with someone other than their husband, so I conjecture that the underlying unconscious dynamic is (partly) sexual.

In a few cases, being taken in hand is the only kind of ‘taking’ happening in the relationship, and I conjecture that in at least some such cases, the ‘discipline’ is effectively the ‘sex’ in their relationship.

But this is all just my own speculation. Ultimately, we each have to experience these things in our own way, and how one person looks at it is unlikely to suit others. We are all individuals. The human mind is very complex, and expecting everyone to see things your way is unrealistic. Whatever you do or don't do, and however you see it, enjoy your Taken In Hand relationship!

the boss

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