Except that, in a movie, the man acts decisively without getting the slightest shred of consent from the woman, and she is sometimes thrilled, sometimes angry, but eventually comes to see him as a likely mate.

No one should try this at home, since the consent doesn't exist.

It's different when a woman wants to be taken in hand and wishes her husband would just go ahead and do it. Then there is plenty of consent not to mention nudging, pleading and cajoling.

If she has to lead him into it, it just may mean he's not a dominant type and it never before has entered his head. Yes, it might be missing that "je ne sais quoi" but since most women with any common sense aren't going to kick a perfectly good man to the curb because he isn't the dominant movie star of her dreams, she'll just have to help him along.

"Pat"

Hi Stephen

I think your article is right on the money. I agree 100% with what you said. My husband and I are new to the Taken In Hand and when we started he wondered how I would react when punishing me especially if I was in an angry mood. Would I call the police and have him arrested? I told him at that point that he had my consent to do what he deemed necessary at the time. He agreed. His maintance spankings and daily reminder spankings were no problem. The first time he needed to dole out a punishment one he was a tad nervous and I was more than a tad mad. I fought it tooth and nail. He won the battle I got the spanking and when it was over it was really over. He saw the benefit of what he did. He no longer has any fears about taking me in hand especially when there is anger involved.

Kathy G

Ideally I don't think coaching would be necessary, but sometimes it is. My boyfriend wants to do whatever he can to make me happy, but this is the first relationship he's had with a woman who's wanted what I want. By nature he is pretty assertive, and his previous girlfriends have been equally assertive. He understands what I want, but I don't think he always knows how to give it to me. There are times that we're really close, times that he'll tell me: "I know why you need this, and I'm going to try harder to give you what you need." When push comes to shove and I need him to exert his control, sometimes he recognizes it and sometimes he doesn't. Sometimes I do need to ask him to spank me when I am moody. I wish I didn't. I wish he would recognize it and act on it, but I know the reason he doesn't is because he's too busy trying to figure out how to make me feel better, not realizing how quickly he could do it. I'm hoping we get there eventually. I think we will.

Well, I did have to suggest to my husband how I should be handled, since in the past he hadn't tried it in a way that produced a favourable response in me. He didn't just know. neither did I. This was why the Taken In Hand site was so helpful to us, because it gave me a clearer idea of what I wanted, and made me able to express my desires to my husband, and also explain to him what I thought could be in it for HIM.

Once he got the idea, it just took off, and he hasn't needed any 'coaching' since then, but the initial discussion about what I wanted, what he wanted, and how I thought they could be combined, was necessary. It wouldn't have worked otherwise.

Louise

It was not my intention to argue that "coaching" was necessarily a bad thing. I certainly don't think any man should be above listening to words of advice, especially from his beloved. He needs to know if something is not quite right. For example, when we first started I wanted/needed my wife's input. It is still important to me to know if something I am doing is negatively affecting her. I am not above reproach or instruction. In fact the man who feels his leadership is threatened by his wife's input needs to take long look in the mirror.

However, many women, including my wife, want their man to act decisively and be in charge. She would become frustrated if she had to continually coach me or give her permission to me to act. If I had to gain her consent/permission each and every time I felt she needed a spanking it would defeat the very thing she needs from being taken in hand by the man she loves and trusts. She wants to be overwhelmed by my masculinity. She wants to be dominated. She would not get that feeling of being dominated if she was in control of it.

The issue of consent is a tricky thing. I would never want to harm my wife. I love her above all else. If I thought spanking her was damaging her emotionally, I would have to change. However, the issue of consent has not been discussed between us since the earliest days of our relationship. I never ask for her permission or consent when it is time to spank her. If she had some good reason for me not to spank her, I would weigh her concerns carefully and make my decision on whether to proceed based on what she told me. She can become quite lawyerly when confronted by an impending disciplinary spanking. So even though she may protest the unfairness of it, or pleads with me to stop, which happens often enough, I ignore her complaints and proceed. Ultimately, she would be disappointed if I didn't proceed. This is why consensual non-consent is an absolutely crucial part of being taken in hand. As the trust and respect develops between a man and his woman she is free from the worry that he will abuse his authority. However, she is not free from the worry of being properly spanked.

I wasn't suggesting that coaching is a bad thing, either. I was curious if it is a prevalent part of many folks' relationships on this site, especially beyond the initial discussion about being taken in hand. Personally, like your wife Stephen, I want my man to act decisively and be in charge. the fact that he has been so in-tune with my needs has meant he doesn't need any input or direction from me. That isn't to say he wouldn't be receptive to my input.

I too have found the taken in hand site incredibly helpful in defining what I want. Prior to learning about taken in hand, I was lost somewhere between d/s and bdsm, never really feeling satisfied or comfortable in either place. Not only do I know what to call what I want/need now, but I truly enjoy hearing about all your experiences with taken in hand.

I don't think any wife in a Taken In Hand relationship wants to coach her husband constantly -- that negates the whole Taken In Hand element. However, sometimes, especially early on, it seems logical that you'd at least need to hint a bit at what you're after. I can't imagine sitting down and itemizing the steps you expect to take place in a given situation. No, that would be too tedious. But, there are other ways to hint -- looks, body language -- that action is called for from your husband. When a man has not previously been used to spanking a woman as discipline, as a show of authority or to difuse a tense situation, unless he's been dying to do this for years and just finally got the consent, I don't see how he wouldn't need some coaching.

Early on, I find it likely that the "spanking lightbulb" over his head would be slow to turn on because this is a totally new way to handle things, and the whole idea of it didn't originate with him in the first place. From my own experience, I can see that it can take some time for the husband to immediately recall to mind that spanking is included in his bag of tricks that he can use in managing his wife and household, and that some subtle reminders might be necessary.

Lucy

One thing that continually is omitted from the consensual-nonconsensual debate is that enforcement of nonconsensual objections is largely dependent on third party interventions. In the history of mankind, the interventions are relatively new, fairly costly to taxpayers, and - in light of rapidly changing world realities - will prove to be transient in nature.