The advantages and disadvantages of meeting someone on the internet

The advantages and disadvantages of meeting someone on the internet

A readers' forum post by the boss on 2007 Apr 11 - 14:10 | login or register to post comments | latest article | previous article | next article | previous forum topic | next forum topic

When meeting someone with whom you may develop an intimate relationship, is it advantageous to meet on the internet, or do the disadvantages outweigh the advantages?

One advantage is that on the internet it is possible to get to know a person's ideas and personality in a way that takes a lot more time if the meeting is in person, because in person people are more circumspect.

On the other hand, some people enjoy playing a new character and make up an entire history, and I know people who have been misled in this way.

But to me there is a more important problem, namely, the problem of getting really close to someone you have never met, only to find that when you do meet in person, the other person is physically unattractive (or worse!) to you.

People say that physical appearance should not matter if there is love and a wonderful friendship and a close connection, but it does matter. It matters a lot. And the reason it matters is not actually all about physical appearance. In most cases it is not a matter of being hung up on physical beauty. What happens is that when you meet someone in person, you get a lot more information that cannot be put into words – about the person's deep personality.

Being attracted to someone physically, and continuing to be attracted over time, depends to a large degree on the person's personality, not just on his or her looks. And when you have developed what seems like a passionate connection and deep friendship over the internet and on the phone with a person, but then when you meet you are shocked to find that the person is repulsive to you, and that does not change to attraction within a short time, do not ignore that. Do not tell yourself that you should find the person attractive, so you should proceed regardless. That almost guarantees disaster.

Instead, my advice is to put on the brakes and become just platonic friends, no matter how difficult and painful that may seem at the time. You can always start something later if the lack of attraction changes in time, but if it does not, it will eat away at you and destroy your relationship. Much as you might like to be able to forget about what seems like a lack of purely physical chemistry, it is a huge mistake, because what seems like purely physical attraction, or lack thereof, isn't. So if you have developed a relationship with someone you have never met in person, and then you meet and you feel repulsed, don't beat yourself up, and don't proceed regardless in the hope that it will change. If you feel repulsed or a lack of attraction to a person and that does not change, that suggests that there is an incompatibility in terms of personality, not just looks. And personality incompatibility matters a lot.

When people get together despite a lack of what people take to be mere physical attraction or ‘chemistry’, the relationship often fails for that reason. Initially they may be caught up in the thrill of having met someone who, in the written word and perhaps on the telephone too, seems perfect for them but, later, the lack of physical attraction and ‘chemistry’ matter, and often it is because that indicates a lack of compatibility on a deeper level. But either way, it is ultimately a problem. It is important to feel physically attracted to your spouse.

For this reason, my advice to those seeking love over the internet is the opposite of most of the advice I have read elsewhere. My advice is to meet one another as soon as possible, and before you start developing an intimate bond. Meet anyone you think you might become involved with, before you feel involved in any way. Meet first in person at least once, then get to know the person better on the internet over weeks or months, then meet again if you still seem compatible. But meet early, so that neither of you make the mistake of ignoring a lack of chemistry. (Obviously, be sure to meet in a safe way, in public, perhaps with a friend, etc. There are some bad people out there. A woman on a DD list was murdered not that long ago by someone she met on the internet. Be very careful!)

What do you think about this? What do you think are the advantages and disadvantages of meeting on the internet?

A readers' forum post by the boss on 2007 Apr 11 - 14:10 | login or register to post comments | latest article | previous article | next article | previous forum topic | next forum topic
A readers' forum post by a Taken In Hand reader on Wed, 11/04/2007 - 14:34 | login or register to post comments

I met a guy on the internet & we got real close over a long period of time..... then when he visited me it was like I had both feelings.... the DD was *hot*..... but I also found him physically ugly. It was like we had chemistry but I didn't find him attractive???? It nearly did my head in. He wanted me to marry him but I couldn't bring myself to & the lack of attraction didn't change & it ended up with me leaving him. It caused alot of heartache for us both. I wished I would've met him when we started corresponding instead of waiting 2 months so I agree with you, meet IRL asap.

A readers' forum post by a Taken In Hand reader on Wed, 11/04/2007 - 14:34 | login or register to post comments
A readers' forum post by a Taken In Hand reader on Wed, 11/04/2007 - 18:07 | login or register to post comments

This is why it's so important to use webcams.

A readers' forum post by a Taken In Hand reader on Wed, 11/04/2007 - 18:07 | login or register to post comments
A readers' forum post by a Taken In Hand reader on Wed, 11/04/2007 - 22:50 | login or register to post comments

This has happened slightly in on of my relationships. Although I had seen a few pictures they didn't reflect what she looked like in real life at all. I found myself to be dissatisfied all the time with her appearance yet we got on so well. I definitely wish I had met her in person earlier and not jumped straight into a relationship.

A readers' forum post by a Taken In Hand reader on Wed, 11/04/2007 - 22:50 | login or register to post comments

Time

A readers' forum post by a Taken In Hand reader on Thu, 12/04/2007 - 17:31 | login or register to post comments

I agree with the premise of meeting someone sooner, however, it can be said that you never know what someone is really like even if you meet them in person. On the net, you can spend a lot of time using your mind, in person you may tend to use your senses that tell you if there is a physical attraction and not get to know what's in their head so easily.

It's hard to explain, except to say the man I met online became my friend first over many late night "conversations" that eventually turned in to phone calls and meeting in person. By the time we met, we agreed that we had shared so much of ourselves, we were friends and anything beyond would be a bonus. We did hit that bonus!

I had many walls of protection he needed to patiently work through each stage of the way. It was because of his patience and intelligence that I opened up further to him.

While all of this was going on, I had already been exposed to this website and was very curious about male-led relationships. He seemed to be of similar mindset but I wasn't sure if it was my own fantasy based on what I've read here. As time went by and our relationship continues, I have found any fantasy has become true to real life.

What people should do is what's right for them. Take the time you need to get to know someone as a friend first and at the very least, that is what you will have gained.

A readers' forum post by a Taken In Hand reader on Thu, 12/04/2007 - 17:31 | login or register to post comments
A readers' forum post by cj on Sat, 14/04/2007 - 02:21 | login or register to post comments

You don't even need a webcam. My boyfriend and I met online about 5 years ago, and exchanged pictures. As long as that process is honest, it's probably enough.

A readers' forum post by cj on Sat, 14/04/2007 - 02:21 | login or register to post comments

It's fine

A readers' forum post by Hera on Wed, 09/05/2007 - 14:06 | login or register to post comments

Depends on your circumstances. I have met men from on line. It's an easier way to be certain of the right kind of dominance in advance. But you need to speak on the phone quickly and meet in real life. Don't waste weeks just emailing.

A readers' forum post by Hera on Wed, 09/05/2007 - 14:06 | login or register to post comments
A readers' forum post by a Taken In Hand reader on Wed, 09/05/2007 - 18:35 | login or register to post comments

There's also pheromones dictating attraction and repulsion.
If you genetically share certain types of genes (specifically ones relating to the major histocompatibility complex) then you'll be biologically repulsed. You might even think it's a problem with appearance, but really, it's a subconscious "you smell like you're a cousin of mine" instinct.

I know that sounds crazy, but it's true! And I'm not sure how you could test that kind of compatibility long distance without asking something creepy like "Will you mail me an unwashed shirt you've sweated in, please?"

A readers' forum post by a Taken In Hand reader on Wed, 09/05/2007 - 18:35 | login or register to post comments

What's Creepy About an Unwashed Shirt?

A readers' forum post by a Taken In Hand reader on Sat, 12/05/2007 - 03:47 | login or register to post comments

I must be that weirdo because I asked an online friend to do that very thing, and I was very pleased by the scent on his shirt (he'd worn it while doing yardwork). So I guess that means if we ever do meet in person I would find him attractive. Good to know!

"Pat"

A readers' forum post by a Taken In Hand reader on Sat, 12/05/2007 - 03:47 | login or register to post comments

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