BDSM rituals and rule-bound relationships

Perhaps because I am not into the bondage scene and have no real interest in specific BDSM practices, I see bondage as being a Gnostic-like practice claiming to require special knowledge unavailable to non-practioners. Likewise, I have little use for long lists of legalized rules with itemized consequences. All too often the excess in rituals seem to become ends within themselves rather than the means to some higher end.

Anyone who has dealt intimately with a woman over time knows that, although not always overjoyed at the prospects of unceremoniously losing their knickers to a thoroughly provoked mate, women do not run from a well-deserved comeuppance.

So, what do women often do? Test a man's resolve? Naturally! Refuse to cooperate? It happens. Protest? Not unheard of. Demand to interfere? Occasionally – especially if a man uses his hand. Actually run? No – not if she trusts the man. Mad because she got spanked? Sometimes. Wants a divorce simply because she was spanked by her husband? Not that I have seen. (In divorce there is something else going on.)

The chains that bind are in a woman's heart. Often there is a certain no-nonsense tone of voice or that look which women respect. Although few women are explicit in their requirements, most expect men to take charge and eventually come to despise the man in there lives when it does not happen.

Much like the Apostle Paul – who received almost two hundred lashes from his irate former comrades and, still, never condemned whipping – many women intuitively understand that merely preserving a pristine backside and unflappable composure solves nothing when more important things fall apart during the shortsighted self-serving conservation effort.

To be sure, couples discover – sometimes even stumble – onto the seemingly magical transformation in their relationship through a variety of means. It might be a logical conclusion or the result of sheer desperation. Others find it through erotic play. Perhaps some discover it through BDSM rituals.

Regardless of the path, domestic discipline comes about when couples realize that this needs to happen in order to release the tension and restore the harmony within the marriage. It is part of the je ne sais quoi that happens between a man and a woman and that is beyond the ability to language to easily explain.

Although the analysis may seem judgmental, I view BDSM and rule-bound relationships in much the same way as I do a speech impediment in search of fluency. It is not that BDSM is necessarily wrong or even misguided. Some couples may even need the formalized structure that BDSM provides as training wheels for an upright relationship. Yet, as with a myriad of rules and a laundry list of consequences, the rigid formalism seems to lack a facility that is not quite grasped.

In BDSM, there is too much emphasis on ceremony and not enough attention is paid to substance – much like going to a fancy-dan restaurant, having to deal with a pushy French waiter, only to be served a leaf of cabbage floating in a bowl of hot water!

Noone

Take the Taken In Hand tour

Have you seen the following articles?
Who says you have to be submissive?
The erotic power of unshackled male dominance
Asserting dominance physically forcefully
To let go
Is he one of the good guys... or not?
What women want
Laying the groundwork for other possibilities
Help! The one I love nowadays rarely wants sex!
What do you mean, you want to be taken in hand?!
Happy living in fear of a man?

2004 Dec 10 - 11:44 | login or register to post comments | latest article | previous article | next article |

Leaving the labels aside

Greetings,

It is, imo, unfair to group your objections under the title of BDSM. To me, this is the equivalent of someone making the blanket statement that they do not like science fiction. Both terms cover broad fields.

OTOH - you do raise certain concerns, which I would like to address.

Let us start with bondage. Certainly it can require expertise. For example, Japanese shibari-style bondage is almost art form, and requires much practise before one can become proficient. OTOH - tying a woman to a bed is not really not too difficult.

Regardless of the degree of expertise required, care must still be taken. Ropes can be dangerous if not used safely.

IAE – it is not the bondage itself that makes one dominant or submissive, and certainly if it is not your cup of tea there is no reason for you to engage in the activity. But that doesn’t mean that all should shun the idea.

Many woman will refer to something called the “freedom of the chains”. Some woman are fearful about losing control during sex, or punishment. The ropes provide a secure environment for them to explore this total loss of self-control. I am told that it can be quite intense. For the man, putting a woman into a binding can be both erotic and satisfying. It is an exercise of power, domination, and sexuality. I see nothing wrong with this sort of thing.

Of course, ymmv and all that.

I agree with your statement of the true bondage being in a woman’s heart, but that does not negate the value of more tangible bindings.

You also speak against the use of rules and rituals. I would counter that all couples tend to develop both rules and rituals. It can be as simple as having breakfast ready on the table when he comes down in the morning, or bringing him his drink after dinner. It can be complex as well. A rule is nothing more than the man expressing his desire on how he wishes something to be done.

I see no reason why any of this should be a problem.

Yes, I agree that making up superfluous rules and rituals is more of a game than a lifestyle. However, when we look to many areas of human interaction, from religion to governments, we find them deeply embedded with both rules and rituals. Should they not also have a place in the relations of a couple?

Of course it is a given that the requirements of one couple will differ from another. But that is not the issue. Relationships, and in particular power-based relationships, require a framework within which to operate. Rules and rituals are one dimension of that framework.

For myself, there is a great deal of enjoyment to be found in having a glass of fine whiskey, Bach on the stereo, a willing submissive female, and many yards of fine rope to wrap on the canvass of her body. Some men may prefer gardening or golf, I happen to enjoy an afternoon spent with a girl in my bindings.

Be seeing you,

Mackenzie [Road Warrior]/Taken In Hand

www.mackenziecross.ca

by mackenzie on 2004 Dec 10 - 18:00 | login or register to post comments

DD vs BDSM - rules and consequences, yes, exploitation, no

I disagree with Noone to some degree - we have a few rules in this household and I know the consequences if I break them. They're rules for my welfare not for his self interest. My husband is not selfish and self-serving, he loves me and his rules tell me that every day I'm on God's green Earth. His rules are -
1 - I'm not to put myself down
2 - I have to get enough sleep
3 - Any big decisions, I ask him. He listens to me and if I have a problem with it we talk.

IMO mackenzie is advocating that husbands exploit their wife's submissive nature by treating them like slaves. We're not slaves or maids and those things mackenzie gave as rules have no business being laid out as rules for a wife. You can say you like her to bring you your breakfast or drink but to make a rule of it?????

- Little Treasure

by Little Treasure on 2004 Dec 10 - 19:38 | login or register to post comments

Bondage, Rituals, Etc.

Bondage can be very erotic and there are safety issues involved. It's not that it's some esoteric practice but there are things to know.

In a Dom/sub relationship a rule like fixing a drink or breakfast for the dom is part of a whole mindset. But why is it all that different than "cherishing" hubby by making a hot dinner?

A lot of this is in the nuances and I don't see where one way is necessarily better than another.

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2004 Dec 10 - 21:34 | login or register to post comments

Exploit? I think not.

Greetings Little Treasure,

First, I did not say that I required sandra to make me breakfast, nor that I required her to serve me a drink. In fact, I did not mention any of my rules at all.

I was giving examples.

IAE, I fail to see how speaking about rules and rituals providing a framework for a power-based relationship in any way exploits either party. Certainly it has nothing to do with the making of slaves (which when I last looked was rather against the law where I live).

However, for you to say I have no business telling my wife what pleases me, and how I wish things done is at best meddlesome, and at worst intolerant.

You like your husband's rules, and you have agreed to keep them. Yet, you object to others making their own. As long as it is consensual between the parties involved, who are you say what is, and is not proper?

As to advocating exploiting women, well, I have two problems with your viewpoint. The first, is the double meaning attached to the word, which can either mean to “use well” or to “use unfairly”. I will take it you meant the second definition. The second problem I have is you have failed, in every respect, to show anything I have advocated as being unfair use of a submissive. For, if she agrees, and if it satisfies her own needs and desires, how can it been seen as unfair?

As always, ymmv (a great deal I suspect).

Be seeing you,

Mackenzie [Road Warrior]/Taken In Hand

www.mackenziecross.ca

by mackenzie on 2004 Dec 11 - 01:52 | login or register to post comments

Rules in a consensual relationship

We have a few rules in our marriage, not many, but I know if I break them I'm going to get into trouble and I find this quite pleasurable. I'm not sure why anyone should object to this, but some evidently do. I think perhaps Little Treausre didn't realise that you were talking about a consensual relationship rather than something arbitrarily imposed.

I think rules are fine so long as both parties agree to them, likewise a lot of women (I am one) enjoy being spanked. As with rules though, spanking is something you need to be sure a woman will accept before you try it, otherwise you could find yourself in a lot of trouble. But obviously not all women would find it acceptable.

by Louise C on 2004 Dec 11 - 07:21 | login or register to post comments

Rules.....

I have read the above thread with great interest. I thought some of my more personal experience might help.

Some while ago I was involved with a rather nice lady, and she introduced me to the idea of a Taken In Hand style relationship. At the time, this was quite a revelation to me (let's just say that that it is a story for another time). The relevant aspect of it was that it was new to both of us. We both knew where we wanted to end up, but not how to get there. Initially, I introduced a series of rules - she did "a", she got punished. She did "b", she got punished again; She did "c", and punished again. In the end, it seemed to become a game of rules - the rules seemed to exist merely as a trigger to my spanking her, and got longer and longer. We did NOT want a relationship governed by a rule book!

In the end, we sat down and we talked about it, and ended up by throwing the rules out of the window. We ended up with just the one rule (that she would never lie to me), and the rest became quite simple - if I felt that she had crossed the line and I felt a punishment was needed, that was what she got. Unlike the "rules" version, there was no set punishment. Punishment after we had thrown out the rule book could be a hard spanking, or it could simply be a quiet conversation where I made sure that she understood what had happened, and why it should not happen again. All of a sudden, we re-discovered each other, and allowed our interest in each other to be the top priority, and not a set of rules and regulations.

The conclusion? Rules have their place, but not at the price of a relationship. In my personal perception, BDSM seems to place too much of a reliance on rules (who is in charge of whom, various punishment levels etc) which seem to be a trigger for punishment (conditioning?), and not enough on the underlying relationship and love between the partners. If people like this, then good luck to them - live life how you want to - however, it is not for me, and not what I would be looking for in a stable long-term relationship.

Paul

by Paul on 2004 Dec 11 - 21:35 | login or register to post comments

Many couples and families hav

Many couples and families have rituals, they just call them traditions. But they serve all the function of a ritual. I think people find them comforting, especially when life outside the home is chaotic.

As far as rules, or boundaries, yes we have them. One big one we have is communication. Check your voicemail!!

If I do something stupid (my words, not his), I will tell him first if I can. If I tell him he never gets mad! If he finds out on his own, then he will be more upset and stern.

We only have a rule where there has been a problem, but boundaries are more like expectations. Most household things, clothing , makeup etc would be in this category.

I don't get spanked, and I in no way enjoy the lecture/decision/rule making process. I'm usually in tears (I'm a softie.) I am rarely in the dog house.

by Bramble on 2004 Dec 11 - 21:40 | login or register to post comments

Rules... redux

Greetings Paul,

In the main, I agree with your POV. It is possible that rules could be used early in a relationship to provide a common criteria for behaviour, but then, as the participants feel more comfortable with each other, they might choose to go to a more freestyle form of arrangement.

IOW - what you are saying makes perfect sense to me.

OTOH - From personal experience I can tell you that other couples prefer a more disciplined approach to rules and rituals. It feels right to them.

The idea of a disciplined lifestyle is not uncommon. We see it in both the military, and religious orders. These are highly regulated environments. Not everyone does well in them, but some do.

All I am advocating, is that there are multiplicity of perspectives when it comes to this issue, and we must be tolerant. Just because one woman feels a wonderful bloom of joy in performing an acknowledgment gesture, does not mean another will as well. Therefore, it is imo critical that couples discuss these things early on in their relationship.

I have no doubt that my requirements are probably more rigid and strict than some, and less so than others. However, I would suggest that all power-based relationships require some elements of structure, normally expressed as a series of rules. Without it, how can a woman develop any expectations of what will, or will not, cause her to be taken in hand?

Be seeing you,

Mackenzie [Road Warrior]/Taken In Hand

www.mackenziecross.ca

by mackenzie on 2004 Dec 12 - 17:00 | login or register to post comments

Structure - implicit or explicit?

Hi there Mackenzie, thanks for your reply.

I appreciate that other couples find a way to happiness different frpm my own - and I wish them all (and everyone) the best of luck. All I can comment on is my own perception however, and to me a relationship that is totally rules-based runs the risk of losing (rather than gaining) intimacy.

It seems to me that BDSM relationships and relationships based totally on rules (this is what the original article was about, after all) seem to be more about the act of punishment, rather than building a loving relationship. I may be wrong, but it seems to be a competitive power game, with the act of punishment or subservience being the marker of who is in charge.

Furthermore, the act seems to take precedence over the person. BDSM folk appear more interested in how long you've been "in the lifestyle" and which box you're in - which acts you do - than anything else about you as a person. I personally find this misplaced.

With regard to rules providing a structure - yes they do. In my experience, they help define the boundaries within which someone feels safe. However, I feel that as a relationship deepens and becomes more intimate, the need for rules diminishes, and becomes implicit rather than explicit. At the end of the day, my partner had no doubt that I was in charge, even though I did not need to write out a list of rules for her to follow. It is in this instance that I feel a set of explicit rules diminishes intimacy, rather than enhances intimacy. It is as if the means to an end, becomes an end in it's own right...

If anyone has a counter-view (about BDSM and rules-based relationships), I would love to hear more about it.

Paul

by Paul on 2004 Dec 12 - 21:55 | login or register to post comments

Looking at the Long-term

My primary interest is in long-term relationships. Hence, I try to layout the framework for a middle ground - absent expensive toys and complex rituals - that any committed couple can use to either get a relationship out of an foundering bog or prevent to it from running into a irreconcilable ditch that wrecks the marriage.

Moreover, having once been discovered by a curious sleepyhead in the act of spanking the child's mother, I also try to suggest methods that children might easily understand if the need arises to explain things.

In terms of caution, I also absolutely abhor mixing alcohol with taking a woman in hand. It has the same potential for disaster as alcohol and automobiles or firearms! If problems develop, alcohol or illicit drugs are frequently involved.

Choosing a middle ground has other advantages. My mother-in-law (long an outspoken critic of spanking) eventually came to appreciate physically taking a woman in hand as an acceptable alternative to divorce and otherwise dead marriages - even if, after she became aware after asking, I did bruise my wife's buttocks a few times. On the other hand, I am not sure that she would have ever accepted my tying up her daughter like a Christmas turkey merely for the purpose of beating her like a foyer rug!

Although I have never seen my wife as my slave, I am not averse to firm disciplinary consequences.

Some four decades ago, a strong - at times even stoic - woman enticed me into her life. (The truth is that she was closely watching me for years before I ever knew she existed.) Although she dated others before overtly conveyed her interest to me, part of the continued attraction centered around her strongly suspicion that I could handle her.

I had occasion to more than fulfill her expectations in that department by giving her what had been, up to that point, the blistering of her life - during which she shed no tears, but after which she thoroughly inspected the damage. She later assured me that I left quite visible marks, which caused her to have second thoughts.

Nevertheless, she realized that I was the one she wanted. After all, I had done exactly what she understood needed doing. As a result, she felt safe, secure - even to the point of being eerily calm on our wedding day. As she would repeatedly tell me over the years, if she had not done so, she would have always wondered what it would be like to be married to me.

by Noone on 2004 Dec 13 - 12:06 | login or register to post comments

BDSM and rules

My husband is master and i am submissive. We have a TPE relationship which works well for us. This is MY choice; i am not forced to do anything. There seems to be, and is very frustrating, this misguided theory that BDSM is all about rules. In fact, there is no true BDSM bible because even so-called professionals disagree and dispute generalities. There are NO rules. What each couple or group decides for themselves is their own rules. For some people BDSM is simply an added spice to sex in the bedroon. For others it is a way of life. For some it is more physical and for others it is more mental. The idea of giving one's soul to another is LOVE. It burdens me that so many people believe this is about controlling a slave and physical abuse. The extreme torturers who make the public eye because its something to talk about make us all look bad. Most in my community do not enjoy real pain. Pain also is a part of everyone's lives and needs to be acknowledged and processed. I happen to meditate and evolve within myself when made to feel some level of pain, though not acute physical. Am I wrong because I WANT to serve my master? Am I wrong because I love him and have chosen this for myself? I can say one thing: NO. I am happier and healthier than I have ever been. A marriage license is a contract. A wedding ring is a collar. In most ceremonies the phrase "I agree to love, honor and obey" pops up. On a parting note, dominant individuals and submissive individuals are on parrallel planes and have utmost respect for each other. Our worlds revolve around each other in a way that most do not understand because they have not experienced that DEEP level of connection. The only rule is: there are NO rules.

silk_knot

by silk_knot on 2005 Dec 28 - 15:57 | login or register to post comments

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