BDSM practices in our Taken In Hand relationship

I've been lurking on the Taken In Hand site for awhile but did not post before because I didn't think you guys would think our relationship qualifies as Taken In Hand. However, perusing the archives of the Taken In Hand yahoo group I was pleased to read a posting by the boss in which she wrote some things that changed my perception. The line about “If you have a closet full of BDSM paraphernalia or a dog cage in your bedroom (but you don't own a dog), can your relationship be a Taken In Hand one?” certainly got my attention, LOL!

Our relationship is male-led because both my husband and I prefer that, like the boss wrote about, and our marriage is sexually-exclusive in every sense, and we're as psychologically healthy as any other couple, but . . . my husband wants and gets (most of the time, LOL!) my total obedience, and some of his control is sexual. . . including sadomasochistic elements with occasional humiliation play and he calls me his slave (or worse epithets, LOL!).

It's difficult to write about this without being graphic but I find it charming that this site avoids graphic content so I'll make the effort. My husband will gag me and suspend me from the ceiling while he balances the check book or reads the paper, then he might choose to whip me not because I did anything ‘wrong’ but just because he wants to. He will also tie me up, ban me from going out on a certain day, require me to be naked to order, and to submit to different sexual practices to order, and more that couples here might find “too BDSM”. Other things he does are more ordinary, like he tells me to wear a certain outfit, or to be at a certain place at a certain time, or to exercise for a certain amount of time, or he'll tell me not to be out too late, not to walk home alone at midnight, LOL!, or not to do things that cause me stress, like arguing with this one woman I know who always gets me upset.

All the practices in our relationship work for us, and many of the more extreme practices I suggested myself, LOL!

One thing I want to say to those that object to BDSM practices is that what we do is not just role playing, it's real control. Some say that to be real, control has to be control that is not sexual, control of everyday decisions. My husband has control of all decisions, including everyday ones, so I reckon that's pretty real, LOL! I never thought I'd end up married to such a perv as my husband but I'm happy with my life and VERY happy with my man. Control is control if you ask me. I don't differentiate. If we stopped all the sexual control etc I'd feel less controlled and trust me that would not be a good thing, LOL! YMMV!

If you haven't got a husband you can trust, you have to be careful, but when you've got a husband you can trust with your life and your heart, you can go with the flow and get into more extreme practices and total obedience without concern, if you want to, which most don't, I know. If he wants to blindfold me and tie me up and do things to me that would be too graphic to mention here, why shouldn't he? He's the man leading our marriage and he's in control, and I like it. Maybe some other Taken In Hand readers should try total obedience and give the green light for sexual control too. You might even like it, LOL!

It seems like some readers think there's a divide between sexual control, SM, etc, and everyday control, but in my marriage there's no divide, it's all the same to me, it's all him being in control and me submitting (or not, LOL!) to his control and dealing with the consequences when I don't. This marriage is what I've always wanted, but I didn't know before I met my husband that I'd be in a marriage like this, or that I'd like it. I knew I wanted my husband to run the show but I didn't know I'd like the pervy things my husband likes. I guess I'd been burned by a previous relationship and thought I didn't want certain practices, whereas the truth was that it wasn't the practices I didn't want, but the guy who burned me that I didn't want. With my husband I naturally want to please him, because I feel so safe and loved, and he cares so much and pampers and spoils me rotten – when he's not “abusing” me, as he puts it! (Come to think of it, the “abuse“ is all part of the pampering in my case, LOL!)

I'm happy the boss said that some Taken In Hand relationships do incorporate BDSM or sadomasochistic practices, because Taken In Hand is one of my favorite sites and I can relate to a lot of the ideas I read here, and I always felt like our relationship was Taken In Hand but I couldn't be sure because of the more pervy elements of my husband's control of me, LOL! Like the others that have commented, I'm so happy you wrote that posting, 'boss'.

Tilly

Taken In Hand Tour start | next

Have you seen the following articles?
He isn't interested in or capable of taking you in hand?
Do you 'meet as equals' or 'establish roles from the outset'?
Taking her in hand is not a contact sport
Could you be a slave, owned, property?
A breakdown on the road to intimacy
Enjoying consensual sexual aggression
Taken In Hand is not a lifestyle
To be taken
Being Taken In Hand doesn't mean being silent
The sexuality of ‘non-sexual’ dominance

2006 Apr 30 - 10:01 | login or register to post comments | latest article | previous article | next article |

Ordinary things

For me, much of the appeal of this site when I discovered it came from the fact that most of it did seem to be about 'ordinary things' and the people who were in Taken In Hand relationships seemed to be normal, sane people who were simply attracted by being in male-led relationships.

The bits of your article that appeal to me are the bits about the 'ordinary things' you talk about doing. The BDSM stuff leaves me cold. In answer to your question "if my husband wants to tie me up and blindfold me, why shouldn't he?" my answer to that would be "no reason why he shouldn't, so long as you are happy with that" If, however, I thought that being tied up and blindfolded was an essential part of a Taken In Hand relationship, then I would definitely decide that it wasn't for me! Luckily, it isn't. Taken In Hand is not a one-size-fits-all thing.

I find my husband's control over everyday things to be very sexual, but as far as I know he isn't interested in any of the BDSM stuff, I doubt he's even heard of the expression. If he started wanting to suspend me from the ceiling and stuff I think it would make me a bit nervous. He does 'control' our sexual life as far as it goes, I mean I always leave it up to him to initiate sex, and I've never refused to do anything in bed that he's asked me to do, but he's never asked me to do anything that I find actually objectionable. There are certain things he could ask me to do that I definitely would not want to do. I don't believe there is actually any such thing as 'total obedience': everyone draws the line somewhere.

by Louise C on 2006 Apr 30 - 12:03 | login or register to post comments

Our relationship involves no physical violence

Our Taken In Hand relationship involves no physical violence of any kind, not even spanking. We also don't do the total obedience thing, and my husband's leadership is much more subtle than it sounds like some readers' is. However, I definitely consider myself to be a taken in hand wife. My husband wears the trousers and calls the shots, and in general I follow his lead. I can't personally relate to the spanking and other BDSM stuff on this site.

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2006 Apr 30 - 12:39 | login or register to post comments

What a terrific relationship!

I'm glad you posted, Tilly: I guess there's a real range of people here, and it's good to know there are others as kinky as me!

by Carl on 2006 Apr 30 - 17:01 | login or register to post comments

Can't access the posting

I can't access the posting referenced because I'm not a member of yahoo. Can it be posted here so those like me who aren't on the yahoo group can read what the boss wrote?

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2006 Apr 30 - 17:18 | login or register to post comments

The post, as requested

I have moved the post. See this article.

by the boss on 2006 Apr 30 - 18:43 | login or register to post comments

Absolutely

Tilly, thank you for posting that. I always feel that I fall between the two camps as it were - (a) Taken In Hand, very attractive to me and is how I relate and always have, to men. I am into monogamy and control extending well beyond the bed room but (b) always been into this from the BDSM angle. I never thought the two were mutually exclusive.

"He might choose to whip me not because I did anything ‘wrong’ but just because he wants to" is generally how I've seen things/had it done (I don't much believe in "real" punishment anyway).

The control elements regarding dress, conduct etc you mention are key things for me and men I've been out with.

I have never felt a divide between control and sexual control. People just differ and I think Taken In Hand is a broad enough church to include differences. If a man is fairly sexual and controlling and dominant he might well be into particular BDSM practices - his choice, his area to control and demand. I liked your reference to the being spoilt bit too.

Finally, it is good to see examples of people for whom it's working, which is hopeful for those of us who are single.

by Hera on 2006 Apr 30 - 22:33 | login or register to post comments

Taken In Hand = Male Led Relationships

This is a wonderful site with the main focus on Taken In Hand stories about male-led relationships.

In general the people reading and posting here are happy that the men lead at all different “comfort” levels. Finding what works for each couple is the dynamic. The weeks I have spent reviewing this site have helped me understand that I desire and need to be in a Taken In Hand relationship.

In my early twenties I was engaged to a “strong” man who died suddenly - I gave up believing in the alpha male. Years later I find myself in a ten year marriage feeling safe but a little empty. He is content that I am strong; that I handle crisis – he doesn’t see that I am tired of making decisions and I’m no longer happy with our arrangement and I have concluded that my emotional needs have suffered.

Women in a male led relationship are satisfied balanced and content; happy that their man is in control and they can relax.

by Kani on 2006 May 1 - 01:48 | login or register to post comments

Wow!!

What a wonderful article. It's comforting to know there are others around who feels similar to the way I do - there is hope for me yet! I look forward to reading your next article. I think I need to lie down now!!

by Michelle on 2006 May 4 - 08:49 | login or register to post comments

Control is Control is Control

Tilly writes:

It seems like some readers think there's a divide between sexual control, SM, etc, and everyday control, but in my marriage there's no divide, it's all the same to me, it's all him being in control and me submitting (or not, LOL!) to his control and dealing with the consequences when I don't.

I think this is a significant observation, a paradigm of understanding the nature of control that causes a lot of misunderstanding to those folks who believe control must be exerted in everyday affairs in order for it to be real control.

We are in a lot of ways much as you describe, incorporating a lot of different practices which enhance a pervasive though subtle control throughout the rest of our relationship. Sure, it's all fun and we do what we do because it is thrilling for both of us but the thrilling element doesn't mean less to the effect it has on our bond as a couple. Whatever we do, even if she asks directly for a rather specific 'role play,' does not diminish the control I exert in the end because it is all inherently sexual and control is control and connection is connection. It doesn't matter to us if it is the every day stuff or something else that is overtly sexual.

Well, I hope you found a good home and join up with the yahoo group!

Frank Nelson

by Frank Nelson on 2006 May 8 - 19:07 | login or register to post comments

Whew!

I was thrilled to see the comments made on here about bdsm within a relationship. I too, didn't make any comments on here for a very long time, and wasn't to sure that we fit in here, but I am so relieved and excited to see that indeed, we do belong here, and that there are others in the same type of relationship.

Jim & kathy

by CntrlNJCpl on 2006 May 10 - 14:55 | login or register to post comments

Whew!

I find it helpful too that we can accommodate both BDSM Taken In Hand and "straight" Taken In Hand is that's the right word...

In a sense a man decides which in my view. If he's in charge then the way he dominates sexually is largely going to be his decision. Some dominant men aren't very keen on sex (... some of us might want to avoid those ones and others home in on them because they aren't either ... depends how you are), some are very keen. Some want to try all kinds of things. Others are quite happy with straight sex which in itself can be very dominant but it should largely be his decision. For me the mechanics of what might be done to me aren't what matters. It's the mind set, the control, the power exchange, the D/S dynamic that matters and in fact it's spoilt if I were to have a little list that says - we have to do items 1- 10 in bed. I'd rather he chose to do items 1 and 2. If he wasn't interested in going to bed or had nothing on the list then that might be more of a problem.

by Hera on 2006 May 12 - 18:49 | login or register to post comments

Fantastic post. I'm right th

Fantastic post. I'm right there with you on: "to me if sexual control isn't involved it isn't real and full total control." I don't want the option to say no to anything.

I know that sounds horrific to most, but it's not like I just fell off a turnip truck one day and then when the lump on my head went down I just picked some random guy off the street to give total and absolute power to. And it's also not like this was just an instant relationship. It was a very gradual build to get to this point and every step of the way I knew that I could trust him.

I like that he takes complete and full control not only in regular everyday life, but sexually. To me the two are not divorced. He can have me whenever and however he wants me, and I'll submit or else. I know that chills some people, but it's not like I insisted they had to be like me. :)

by Z on 2007 Mar 14 - 08:13 | login or register to post comments

Good article. There are alot

Good article. There are a lot of misconceptions out there. As we all know, this is not a BDSM site, but many of the principles of Taken in Hand are also found in the BDSM lifestyle.

The BDSM community is very diverse. There are many facets to the lifestyle and not all of them include bondage, whipping or even spanking. The main common factor is domination and submission, and that has varying degrees too. It is not about fulfilling kinky fantasies (although that does exist). It's about submitting or yielding to your dominant's authority. It's trusting him/her with the ability to control you and your life. It's about respect, safety, love, caring, sex, acceptance, mutual pleasing and fulfillment, and that can include submitting your body in any way that pleases your dominant.

Being in the BDSM lifestyle, I didn't think I would find anything I could relate to on this site, but I was wrong. I found a lot of very similar wants and needs and feelings among most of the people.
All in all, I've have enjoyed it.

Lynn F.

by Lynn F. on 2007 Mar 17 - 16:02 | login or register to post comments

BDSM practices

I think it's important to remember people come in all shapes, sizes and preferences. I feel my relationship with my man is definitely a Taken in Hand one...we are a BDSM couple, but our relationship is positively male-led, and has been the most beneficial relationship of my life.

by a Taken In Hand reader on 2007 Mar 18 - 20:15 | login or register to post comments

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