//You've got a right to be angry
You've got a right to complain
But just being right
Ain't gonna change anything
You want understanding
Without saying a word
You want admiration
Even though it's undeserved//
"Nothing Much of Anything" by the Badlees
Sunnydale, California
January 14,2018
The wind was bitter as it whipped around them. They stopped at the end of the walk, both facing the house with uneasiness. Although the house appeared well lit and homey, it did not feel welcoming to the two figures standing at the edge of the light. It was almost as if it knew the sorrowful news they carried.
Hoping to delay the inevitable for just a moment longer, Angel spoke. "I didn't realize they lived here."
"Buffy sold the house to them right after her mom died. She was leaving town and liked the idea of the house holding a growing family." Willow paused, then looked over at Angel. "Are you sure you want to do this?" she asked as she placed a hand on his arm. He had been silent on the walk over. Willow knew he was lost in thought, both remembering the nights he had walked these same streets with Buffy and dreading the confrontation that was to come.
"I have to. I promised her." Angel started to walk forward and then stopped suddenly. "They took the tree down?"
"It came down in a storm shortly after Xander and Cordelia moved in, about a year after Buffy's mom died, a little after Joy was born. Buffy was pretty upset, she said she had a lot of fond memories of the tree. Xander was happy. He said that he wouldn't have to worry about Joy sneaking out to meet any boyfriends at night."
Angel had to laugh at that. "Yes, the tree did see a lot of late night traffic." He sobered suddenly as they reached the front porch. "Well, this should be interesting." Reaching out, he knocked on the door and then stepped back to wait. A patter of footsteps was heard and then the door opened to reveal a small, dark-haired girl in pigtails. When she saw Willow she launched herself into Willow's waiting arms. "Aunt Willow!" she shrieked happily.
"Joy, how many times have I told you to let me answer the door at night!" Cordelia's worry was apparent as she hurried to the door. "Willow? What brings you over tonight? I thought you were with Claire? Angel..." Her voice trailed off in shock at the sight of the vampire. She quickly reached out and took Joy from Willow's arms, pulling her back across the threshold. "What are you doing here?"
"Hello Cordelia. It's been a long time." He could sense her nervousness and took a step back from the door. "Congratulations, you have a beautiful daughter."
Cordelia continued to stare in fear at Angel for several long seconds. It was only when she looked at Willow and saw the protective way she stood next to Angel that she remembered this was no longer Angelus the demon but Angel their friend. He looked devastated she realized. "Joy, why don't you go up and play in your room. Let Mommy visit with Aunt Willow and Angel for a while." She turned and gently pushed the little girl towards the stairs. "We'll be up to see you in a bit."
"Xander should be home in a few minutes. We can wait in the kitchen." She stepped aside to let Willow pass and turned in confusion when Angel didn't follow. He stood hesitantly at the threshold. "I need to be invited in remember?"
"Oh, sorry. Come in." He followed her back to the kitchen and took a seat at the table. Cordelia brought the coffeepot and mugs over to the table. "I have a feeling we're going to need this. What's wrong? What are you doing back here?"
Willow was the first to speak; "It's about Buffy."
"No Willow, let me do this," Angel interrupted. "Cordelia there's no easy way to say this, Buffy died last night. She'd been sick..." The sound of the front door opening cut him off.
"Honey, I'm home!" Xander's voice rang out as he walked into the kitchen. He stopped as he saw Cordelia's stricken face. "What's wrong?" He looked around the kitchen trying to find the cause of her distress. He stopped suddenly as he saw Angel. Multiple expressions crossed his face, surprise, shock, fear, it finally settled into a scowl of anger. "Wait a second, what the hell are you doing here? What did you do to upset her? Will, what's going on?" Willow got up from the chair and put her hand on Xander's shoulder.
"Xander, Buffy died last night." She bit her lip as she said it and waited for the inevitable explosion.
Xander's face grew pale and he sank into the open chair next to Cordelia. She reached over and took his hand, trying to offer comfort. "What? That's not possible. How?"
"She'd been sick for the last few months, Xander." Angel looked up into Xander's distressed face. "She had a tumor in her brain. It was inoperable. She slipped into a coma a little more then a week ago and died last night."
"How do you know all this?"
"I was with her."
He sprang out of the chair at that news, brushing aside Cordelia's calming hand. "Why the hell were you there and we weren't? We were her friends. We should have been there for her. What right did you have to be there? You never did anything but bring her pain."
"I know. You're right." Angel agreed without a fight. He began to twist the Claddagh rings, as if to draw strength to endure the confrontation from them. "But it was what she wanted. She didn't want you to see her the way she was this last week. I thought she was wrong but I didn't want to fight with her."
"You didn't want to fight with her? You son of a bitch. You should have called us. We should have been there!" All the anger, sorrow and loss of twenty years past was in his face. The words seemed to strike Angel like a physical blow.
"Xander, that's enough!" Willow shouted as she faced him. "It was Buffy's choice and we have to live with it. Yelling at Angel isn't going to make it any better. It's not going to bring her back."
"Willow, it's ok. He's right. You should have been there. I should have called you. Here, she asked me to give this to you and she wanted Joy to have this. I'm going to get out of here. You don't need me here now. Willow, I'll meet you back at the library." Angel stood and placed the letter and the cross on the table. Shoulders slumped; he walked out the door.
"Xander, there are times when you really are an ass." Willow's comment was fierce as she took her seat at the table and played with her coffee cup.
"What? We were her friends; we should have been there. She needed us."
"No she didn't. She needed time with Angel. They were so happy together when Oz and I first saw them in November. For as much as they loved each other do you realize how little time they actually spent together? My God, how can you begrudge them that? Do you think it was easy for him to be there when she died? To watch the person that made him feel most human slip away? He loved her with his whole heart. I don't know what he's going to do now."
Xander had the decency to look abashed. "Why didn't you tell me he was back?"
"Because they didn't need you calling and making dead-boy comments. They were happy just being together. I thought they could use some time alone."
"Yeah, well they had their time alright," he said bitterly. He once again sat down next to Cordelia and picked up the letter. Opening it he began to read aloud.
To my friends,
I know you're going to be so angry when you read this. Angry that I didn't let you know I was sick. Angry that Angel was here when you weren't. I'm sorry for that. I needed to do this on my own. I didn't want you to see me like this. It's bad now and it's only going to get worse. Let your memories of me be happy ones, dancing in the Bronze, skulking through the cemetery, dinners together as we got older. Those are the important memories. It doesn't matter who was with me when it was all over. Well, yes, I guess in a way it does matter. I needed Angel here. Thank God he made me see that. This brief time we've had together went a long way towards making up for all the years we spent apart. If I had died without having that time with him... I don't want to think about it. So please don't be angry any longer. Don't blame Angel.
Xander, I know it's still hard for you to understand how I could love him. You were never able to separate Angel from Angelus. Yes, Angelus was horrible. He deserved to die and maybe I should have killed him during those terrible months so long ago, but inside he was my Angel, the sweetest, most gentle man. We never really discussed what happened when I sent Angel to Hell or those terrible months while I ran away. Maybe it wouldn't have changed things if you had told me Willow was retrying the spell, but maybe it would have. Maybe I never would have seen the look of betrayal in his eyes as I shoved the sword through his ribs. Maybe he would never have had to suffer those months of torment, all alone in the dark. Maybe my mother and Giles wouldn't have been frantic with worry about me. We don't know and because we don't know, you owe me. You owe me because we should have had that chance. So I'm calling you on it. I'm not asking for much, just give him a break. He's going to need all of you. I'm getting tired now and I have one last letter to write. I guess I should end this now. Thank you for everything you've given to me over the years, I'm sorry we couldn't have had more time.
Always,
Buffy
Please give my cross to Joy. It always brought me luck. I'd like to pass it on. Besides, you live in Sunnydale. There's no such thing as being too careful.
Cordelia was crying openly by the time Xander finished reading the letter. He placed it down on the table and then covered his face with his hands. After several minutes silence he took a deep breath and looked up. "I never realized how angry she was that I didn't say anything about the spell."
Shaking her head in frustration, Willow spoke. "Of course she was angry. She was given no choice but to send the man she loved to hell. You would feel the same way if you had to do it to Cordelia."
"But she's never killed anyone. Cordie never tried to open the gates to Hell." Xander exclaimed in a futile effort to defend his hatred of Angel.
"Dammit Xander! Neither did Angel! When will you understand that?" Willow's face was almost purple in anger. She stood up unwilling to listen to Xander any longer. Angel had to be hurting and she knew that the next visit he needed to make would be the worst. It would be better for her to leave and comfort him then listen to Xander bash him. "Listen, I can't take this anymore. Angel's barely keeping it together in case you haven't noticed. I'm going to go catch up with him. You don't need me here." Spinning angrily Willow started to the door.
Xander watched her leave and then turned to his wife, "Was I wrong, Cordie? Did he have the right to be there with her, even after everything he's done?" He looked at Cordelia, hoping to see some sign that he was right.
Cordelia shook her head sadly; "He loved her Xander, always. I think that's all that matters."
Xander's face crumpled at her words, "I guess I owe him an apology." He stood and hurried out the front door. "Willow, wait!" Xander called after her, finally catching up to her on the street outside. "You're right. He's lost more then any of us. I don't have any right to give him grief. Can you wait here for a second? There's something I want you to give him." He ran back to the house at her nod.
She waited on the walk, impatiently shifting from foot to foot, anxious to be on her way. He returned several minutes later and handed her a manuscript. "Give this to him. Tell him I wrote it a while ago. I've been trying to decide what to do with it. I think I know now."
"What is it?" she asked warily. She knew Angel couldn't take much more grief from Xander.
"It's the story of a beautiful girl who hunts demons and the noble vampire who loves her. They have a happy ending here Will." Xander wiped a tear from his eye and reddened in embarrassment. "Tell him I'll talk to him in a few days. I guess I have some apologizing to do."
Willow smiled at Xander; maybe things would be ok after all. "I'll tell him Xander."