//La-la-la-la...
Oh, I want to thank you for so many gifts you gave
The love, the tenderness, I wanna thank you
I want to thank you for your generosity, the love
And the honesty that you gave me
I want to thank you show my gratitude
My love, and my respect for you, I want to thank you
Oh, I want to thank you, thank you; thank you, thank you
I want to thank you, thank you; thank you, thank you//
"Kind & Generous" by Natalie Merchant
London, England
January 16, 2018
Rupert Giles wearily walked to the window and looked out at the cold rain. The bleak view from the window seemed to suit his melancholy mood as he sipped his tepid tea. After several minutes of silent contemplation he turned and headed across the room to the phone. Quickly dialing a number, he listened to the phone ring. It was answered after the fourth ring and he grumbled as he listened to the answering machine message once again.
"Hi! This is Buffy, I can't make it to the phone right now. You know what to do at the beep."
"Buffy, this is Giles. I haven't heard from you in a while. Is everything well? Please call me back. You know where to find me." He sighed as he placed the phone back in its cradle. Of course she knew where to find him, he had hardly left the archives in months. Picking up his tea he wondered how his life had gotten so empty, when had he become a solitary old man with only his books for company? A picture sitting on the desk caught his eyes. He smiled as he lifted it up and studied the happiness in their faces. Joyce Summers had taken the picture the day of graduation. Buffy, Willow and Oz, Xander and Cordelia stood around a much younger him in the library. The graduates were still wearing their robes, proudly displaying hard-earned diplomas. Those had been happy times he realized, the Slayer, the Watcher, and the Slayerettes banding together to fight the forces of darkness.
He continued to look at the picture and was struck by a wave of sadness as he thought of the faces that weren't there. Jenny, spirited Jenny, who made him realize that books weren't all there was to life, he missed her still. And Angel, the tormented soul trapped with a demon's legacy. Long ago he had admitted to himself that Angel was not responsible for Jenny's death and guiltily regretted his actions towards him so long ago. He realized that Buffy and Angel had separated to avoid hurting him. Many times over the years he regretted his rash actions, particularly when he saw Buffy alone with only those damnable dogs for company. Shortly before Joyce Summers's death he had toyed with the idea of trying to find Angel. Willow knew where he was, he was almost certain. However he was afraid to broach the topic with her, ashamed to admit to the wrongs he had committed, the hurt he had caused Buffy. And then Joyce was killed and the grief overwhelmed him again. It was only recently that he thought about finding Angel again.
A gentle knock and the sound of an opening door interrupted his reverie. Startled, Giles looked up into Angel's face.
"Angel? Am I dreaming? What are you doing here? How did you get in?"
"Hello Giles. No, you're not dreaming. Your housekeeper let me in. You really should warn her about admitting late night visitors." Angel turned his head as he spoke, unable to look the old Watcher in the eyes. Long buried guilt rose up inside him. Once again he would hurt Giles by taking someone he loved from him. "It's been a long time."
Giles nodded in agreement. "Yes it has. But I'm so..."
"Giles, I need to give you a message and then I'll leave. You'll never have to see me again." Angel paced as he spoke, finally stopping next to the window. "It's about Buffy."
"Yes, about Buffy. Angel, I really want..." he stopped as he was again interrupted by the vampire.
"Giles, please, just let me say this. I'm sorry, there's no easy way to tell you. Buffy died three nights ago. I was with her. She'd been sick for a while, some kind of inoperable tumor in her head. She didn't want you to see her the way she was in the end. That's why she didn't call you or anyone else." Angel sat in one of the chairs across from Giles and lowered his head into his hands. This was the third time he had made this short speech and it wasn't getting any easier, each repetition only served to drive his loss deeper.
Giles sat in shock for several minutes, staring at the grief stricken figure before him. "She's gone?"
Angel nodded. Reaching into his jacket pocket he pulled out two small books and a letter. "Here she wanted you to have these, they're her journals from when she first became the slayer. She thought they might help you understand what went on in her head during that time. As for the letter, well I think it was her way of saying good-bye." He placed the articles on the table, rose from the chair and started for the door. The grief he felt over Buffy's death paled in comparison to the guilt that magnified the longer he stayed in the Watcher's presence. "Giles, I'm sorry, for everything."
"Angel, wait, please?" Giles hurried after Angel and stopped him at the door. "You were with her?"
Reluctantly Angel let Giles lead him back to the chairs. He refused to look the Watcher in the face as he spoke. "She came to find me in L.A. in November. She thought she could just pass through and leave. But I realized that she was sick and insisted that she take me home with her. I knew how she was. I knew she wouldn't ask for help. I forced it on her. I'm sorry I didn't call. All of you had more right to be there then me, but she was adamant that nobody see her like that."
Giles listened to Angel speak without comment. The shock of Buffy's death had yet to sink in, but he could recognize the terrible grief of the man in front of him. After several moments of silence he spoke. "Angel, of all of us you had the most right to be there. Long ago I realized the harm I did to both of you. I was so bitter and angry that Jenny had died... No, stop!" Giles waved aside Angel's protest and continued to speak, "Angel, you would never have hurt Jenny, just like you would have never hurt Buffy. That was the demon that caused all that pain. Not you. Rationally I knew that, but I was so angry I wanted someone to suffer because I was suffering. You wore the demon's face, spoke with his voice, it was so easy to forget you weren't the same man." He stopped for a second to gather his thoughts. Gazing at a spot only he could see, he began to speak again. "I know you left for my sake, and I know it broke Buffy's heart to let you go. I thought several times of trying to find you, to bring you home to her. But I was afraid, afraid to admit my mistakes. I let that wonderful girl live her life alone because I was a foolish old man." His voice broke as he finished speaking and he gave in to the tears that pooled in his eyes.
Angel watched him weep, not knowing what to say. He had expected to be greeted with angry words and threats at least, part of him had almost hoped for a loaded crossbow and end to the heaviness in his heart. The unexpected confession had been a complete surprise. Looking for some way to comfort the grief-stricken man he went to a small hot pot and began to brew a cup of tea.
Giles gratefully took the cup when it was handed to him. He watched as Angel once again took the seat across from him. "She was the child I never had. I can't believe she's gone."
"I know," Angel replied quietly. "She loved you very much. She never wanted to hurt you. I never wanted to hurt you."
"I know. Was she in very much pain?"
"No, not physically. Emotionally, well she was very angry that her body betrayed her. But in the end she didn't feel anything." Angel closed his eyes as he remembered those terrible days at her bedside.
"I'm glad. I can understand how angry she must have been. She was the same way when her Slayer abilities disappeared. It must have been very hard for you to see her like that."
"It hurt Giles, it hurt so badly. I loved her so much, even after all this time."
The Watcher stood and crossed over to take the seat next to Angel. "I'm sorry doesn't begin to express how I feel. I stole so much time from the two of you. But as I'm sure you know, sorry doesn't mean much when you lose someone you love." Their eyes locked in mutual understanding. Angel was the first to look away. His guilt was still there despite the Watcher's understanding. He picked the letter up from the table and handed it to Giles. "I need to get going now. I'm heading back to the States. I need to go soon in order to arrive when it's still dark. Thank you for understanding."
Giles watched silently as the vampire left. When he was certain he was alone he opened the letter and began to read.
"Dearest Giles,
Writing this letter has been the hardest thing I've ever done. I don't know where to begin. How do you thank some one who's saved your life? How do you explain exactly how much they've meant to you? I don't know that I can. There have been so many things we've left unsaid between us over the years, yet we've always understood exactly what we felt. I guess I'm going to hope that you can understand what you've been to me without my saying a word, but if you can't, know that you've been Watcher, teacher, friend and father. I never would have survived as long as I did without you. You accepted me with all my flaws. I can't thank you enough for that.
I know you must be angry with me that I didn't tell you I was sick. Angry that Angel was here with me. I'm sorry. I never wanted to hurt you but I needed this time with him. I know that even though you grew to love my mom, in your heart you still loved Jenny. I felt the same way about Angel. I had the opportunity to see him one last time and I took it. I hope you understand.
I can't write anymore. It's breaking my heart to think of you on your own. Know that I'll be watching you, I'll be watching all of you. I love you very much.
Your daughter in your heart,
Buffy
He sat silently when he finished the letter. Finally breaking his reverie he returned to the phone. Dialing the number, he wasn't surprised when it was picked up on the first ring. "Hello Willow..."