//Don't you fret, M'sieur Marius
I don't feel any pain
A little fall of rain
Can hardly hurt me now
You're here, That's all I need to know
And you will keep me safe
And you will keep me close
"A Little Fall of Rain" words by Herbert Kretzmer
Les Miserables Soundtrack
Capeside, California
Buffy's House
December - January 2017
November gave way to December as winter storms began to pound the coast relentlessly. They spent a quiet Thanksgiving with Willow while Oz returned to his tour on the East Coast. Willow briefly mentioned inviting Giles and Xander and his family to share the holiday, but the anxious looks that crossed the faces of Buffy and Angel made her rethink her decision. They appeared so happy together that she was reluctant to do anything to disturb their peace. Shortly after the holiday a new vampire arrived in Sunnydale and Willow was forced to resume her role as Watcher, leaving her lingering concerns about the former Slayer and her love till another time.
As the month progressed, Buffy could feel herself becoming weaker. She dug deep within herself to find the energy to keep going, unwilling to let Angel know how bad she felt. Angel watched her struggles in silence. He realized how bad she was getting and regretted his promise not to let her friends know the truth. With a troubled heart, he did his best to keep her comfortable without appearing to baby her.
The sound of muffled sobs woke Angel one dark afternoon. He instinctively reached for Buffy only to find cold sheets in place of her warm, soft body. He rose from the bed and grabbed his robe, silently creeping onto the balcony over looking the living room. The sight before him broke his heart. Buffy sat huddled in front of the cold, dark fireplace softly weeping. Padding gently down the stairs he sat down behind her and pulled her into his arms.
"What's wrong? What are you doing up so early?"
"Nothing, just some stuff I had to take care of." Her voice broke as she spoke.
"Just stuff? It sounds like it's pretty important." As he spoke, his eyes caught sight of a small stack of envelopes. The one on top had Willow's name written across it in Buffy's looping script. "What's this?"
"I've been avoiding this for too long. I'm dying, Angel. I can feel myself getting weaker everyday. I know you think that I'm wrong for not calling them. But I can't face them. I'll say my goodbyes this way." She reached down and picked up the envelopes. Turning around she placed them into Angel's hands. "When I'm gone will give these to them? Tell them I'm sorry." Tears began to slide down her cheeks as she leaned into the comfort of his arms.
"I'll do it. I promise you."
Angel was anxiously pacing inside the house, cursing his inability to withstand sunlight when Buffy returned from the doctor's several days later. One look at her face answered all his questions. Things were getting worse. They made no mention of the doctor as they quietly prepared dinner. Buffy was carrying the dishes to the table when her hand suddenly seemed to give out. They crashed to the floor with a clatter. Angel rushed to her side and gently lifted her from the midst of the shattered plates. He carried a sobbing Buffy over to the couch and set her down. Kneeling in front of her, he checked for cuts. Finding none, he took her hands in his.
"You're ok. Relax. Take a deep breath."
"I'm not ok," was her choked response. "My hand just gave out. It's starting. I'm scared. I don't want to die." Buffy's voice began to rise in anger and frustration. "It's not fair. We gave so much time and effort to save the world and what did it get us? I've been alone for twenty years. You've been alone for twenty years. Where was it written that we had to be the one's to suffer? That we had to be the one's to make the sacrifice? Everyone else got to live their lives and find some happiness. Me? I save the goddamned world and I get shafted. It's not fucking fair!!!"
Angel sat silently through her tirade. When she finished he looked at her calmly. "Twenty years ago we separated to avoid hurting Giles. We've stayed apart for twenty years to keep from hurting him. You know it was the right thing to do. Neither one of us would have been able to bear it if we had hurt him, and after awhile we wouldn't have been able to face each other. It's horrible that you're sick. But if you weren't sick do you think you would have sought me out? Do you think that we would have had this time together? You know you wouldn't have. We would have stayed apart and been noble about it. Well you know what? Screw nobility. I'm here with you now and that's all that matters."
A much calmer Buffy looked deeply into his eyes. "You're right. These last few weeks have been the best times I've had since high school. It feels so good to be with you again. I just wish we had more time."
"I know."
Christmas week approached and Buffy no longer had the energy to do more then lie on the couch. The usually rambunctious dogs seemed to sense the sorrow in the air. They took up sentry position next to the couch, whining pathetically when Angel took them out for walks. It was on one of these late night walks, the day before Christmas, that Angel first saw the tree. Instead of taking the dogs for their usual walk down the beach, he had taken them down the winding coast road Buffy lived on. Through her neighbor's window he could see the Christmas tree glowing softly in the front of the fire. He had been too concerned with Buffy's rapidly deteriorating health to give much thought to the approaching holidays, but he remembered Buffy's enthusiasm for the holidays from the years past. It was then that inspiration struck.
Returning home, he saw that Buffy was sleeping soundly. Sneaking through the house, he took the car keys and headed out on his mission. Silently blessing Sam and his concern for last minute shoppers, he pulled into the parking lot of the local Wal-Mart. Hurrying through the store, he quickly found what he needed.
He returned to the house and gently carried a sleeping Buffy up to the bed leaving her wrapped warmly in the covers. Returning to the living room he faced the curious dogs. "Now you guys be quiet and let me get this done." He worked quickly and within two hours the tree was up and decorated. "What do you think? Will she like it?" Angel stopped and shook his head. "I can't believe I'm been reduced to talking to animals. I used to be the most feared vampire in the world. What happened to me? I tell you what happened, you furry beasts, the most wonderful woman in the world happened to me." He stopped his monologue as he heard the bedroom door open.
"Angel? Is everything ok? I thought I heard somebody talking. Oh..." Buffy grew silent as she saw the tree. Angel hurried up the stairs and picked her up. He carried her back downstairs and settled them both in on the sofa.
"So, do you like it? It's nothing fancy but it is almost Christmas..."
"Angel, it's wonderful. It's the best tree ever. I just want to stay here and watch it all day."
"We can do that."
"Who are the presents for?"
If she didn't know better Buffy would have sworn that Angel blushed when she asked the question. "I, uhm, feel really bad about this. The presents are for the dogs. I bought them some bones. I have a gift for you but it's not wrapped. Do you want it now?"
Buffy began to weep, and she silently cursed her volatile emotions. "I'm sorry, I don't have anything for you."
"Buffy, being here with you the last two months has been the best present I've ever received. There's nothing that could top that. Here, this is for you." Reaching into his pocket he pulled out a delicate silver chain with a small silver heart dangling from it. Looking at it Buffy could see the word "always" scrolled across the surface of the heart. "I don't have to tell you what that means do I?"
"No, I know. I feel the same way. Will you put it on me please?" She pulled her hair up as he placed the chain around her neck. As he closed the clasp, he leaned in and gently kissed her neck. "Merry Christmas Buffy" he whispered.
Christmas came and left. They rang in the New Year together quietly, sitting on the beach wrapped in blankets. Buffy had become progressively weaker. She was no longer able to walk more then a few steps at a time. The once strong muscles in her body continued to betray her. Angel had not wanted to bring her out into the cold night but she was insistent. New Year's was the first clear night in weeks. She wanted to see the stars one last time.
"I still don't think you should be out here. It's too cold."
"I'm warm enough. I think you have every blanket in the house wrapped around us. I just wanted to enjoy a clear night for a change. It's been so stormy these last few weeks." She paused for a second as though gathering her courage. When she spoke again her voice trembled. "Do you remember those letters I asked you to deliver?"
Angel nodded against her shoulder. Those letters had been in the back of his mind for days.
"I've been thinking. I want you to deliver some gifts with those letters. The letters are just words. I want them to have something concrete to hold on to."
"What do you have in mind?"
"Well the first is pretty easy, my diaries from when I was the Slayer. I want you to bring them to Giles. As much as I hate to admit it, they belong in the Watcher archives. Maybe they can help some other slayer in the future. I think it might help Giles too. I know that sometimes he just didn't understand me then. Maybe this will help."
"I'll do that."
"The next one is a little harder. Would you mind if I gave the cross you gave me to Joy? I think it always brought me luck, and I'd like to pass it on to her."
"Buffy you do what ever you think is best. Tell me what to bring and I will. What about Willow?"
"Bring Spike and Dru back to her. Tell her I thought her life wasn't complicated enough. Also give her the leather jacket you gave me. It's hanging in my closet upstairs."
Angel smiled ruefully. "She's going to kill me. You realize that?"
Buffy smiled for a second, the somber mood lifting for a moment before the finality of the conversation crashed back down. "She won't kill you. She'll put you to work in the library researching the latest demon." Tears filled Buffy's eyes as she spoke. "It'll be something for you when I'm gone. You won't be alone. You'll be with friends." Stifling a sob she continued, "I want you to have something to. I want you to take my ring. All along this was my touchstone. It always reminded me that you were out there somewhere. Well now let it remind you that I'm somewhere waiting for you." She was sobbing openly by the time she finished speaking. Angel held her close and kept silent. Now wasn't the time to debate whether or not he would meet her in the afterlife. He knew he wasn't lucky enough to spend eternity with her. He was going somewhere a lot warmer.
Three days later Buffy lapsed into a coma. The doctor came and wanted to put her into the hospital, but she had left strict instructions that she wanted to stay at home. A nurse came to help Angel take care of her, but he insisted on doing everything himself. It was only after he collapsed from sheer exhaustion four days later that he finally accepted the help. No longer able to distract himself with activity, he sat at her bedside and spoke to her constantly. He told her stories of his life in Ireland, of the years he wandered after his soul was first returned, of the years he'd spent after he returned from hell. Finally he talked of their times together in Sunnydale. His voice breaking, he spoke of saying goodbye to her twenty years before.
"Leaving you that night was the hardest thing I've ever done. That last night in the cemetery, I wanted so much to just be selfish, take you in my arms and run away. I just wanted us to have some peace and happiness for a change." Angel stared at the unmoving, placid face of his lover as he continued to speak, trying to keep the bitterness out of his voice. "You were right, why did we have to be the ones to lose? Why couldn't we be happy?" He looked away, blinking the tears from his eyes.
"Remember when I told you Whistler was with me after I left you? I didn't tell you this earlier, but he kept me from doing something really stupid that first morning after I left you. If I couldn't be with you I didn't want to go on, I just wanted it to be over." Angel paused, trying to find the strength to continue. After a moment, he began to speak again. "He found me sitting out in the park waiting for the sun to rise. He convinced me that going on was better, that there was always the chance I would see you again. He finally got me when he asked what I thought you would feel if you came looking for me and found out I was gone? I realized I couldn't hurt you like that. I guess he was right, we did get some more time together. This has been the greatest two months of my life," he said fervently. "Thank you for sharing it with me." He picked up her hand as he finished speaking and brought it to his lips. "I love you."
Ten days after the coma began Angel woke with a start from his bedside vigil. Some instinct deep inside told him that it was time. He gingerly climbed into the bed and took her in his arms. "It's time Buffy. I know it. You can let go now. I love you. I'll always love you." He sat there unmoving as he felt the life leave her body. When she was gone he finally gave in to heart-wrenching sobs he felt in his chest. She was gone.