RATING: PG
SPOILERS: All episodes up to and including Becoming. (Especially Becoming)
SUMMARY: The aftermath of Xander's bedside confession to Willow as the gang's search for Buffy continues.
DISCLAIMER: All characters in this story from Buffy the Vampire Slayer are owned by Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and the WB Network.

Thoughts enclosed in < >.

Part One

Willow Rosenberg was absolutely horrified. She'd faced many terrors in her past. Vampires, Incan mummies, evil robots and even her rampaging werewolf boyfriend. But now, as she sat motionless with fear, one of her ultimate nightmares faced her. She was going to fail her history final.

She bit down on her lip and tried to concentrate. The fact that because of her recent injuries she would be allowed to take the test over again in a week seemed very far and distant. Her ultimate nightmare was unraveling NOW. But she just couldn't focus. She was worried about Buffy. Despite her outward confidence earlier this morning with the rest of the gang, she was secretly terrified that something awful had happened to Buffy. < She should be here. > Willow glanced at the empty seat beside her. She squeezed her eyes tightly shut and sent the silent prayer heavenwards again. < Please God…Let Buffy be okay. She's done everything that's ever been asked of her. She deserves better. Just let her be here when I open my eyes. Let this all have been a bad dream. Please? > She opened her eyes and stared forlornly at the still-empty seat. < God, please take care of her. >

Her blank history final caught the corner of her eye. She had to think -- to concentrate. She closed her eyes, and tried to breathe deeply. If she could calm down and regain some equilibrium, everything would be fine. Willow sat perfectly still in her chair, listening to the vague sound of number two pencils scratching against paper all around her. It was all so quiet, so serene, and as she started to unwind, she felt her mind relax.

< 'I love you.' >

Her eyes snapped open. The memory of the voice as she'd struggled for consciousness yesterday was like having a bucket of cold water thrown at her. Even now, she couldn't quite wrap her mind around those events from the hospital.

She remembered she was lost. Lost in a fog that was so thick she couldn't see or hear anything. She fought her way through the darkness, looking for a light to guide her way back. Then she thought she heard a voice. A voice whispering to her about ….Trig? Was that Xander? Where was he? She searched through the fog, looking for a way out, following his voice. He spoke to her about how she had to come back, how she was his best friend, and then she'd heard it.

< 'I love you.' >

She shook her head slightly, causing her red hair to swirl over her history exam. That mention of love had confused her then, even as it did now. It sounded just like all the dreams she'd had not so long ago when Xander would whisper that he loved her -- and then she'd wake up. In her haze, she thought that maybe she had hallucinated Xander -- that it was Oz speaking to her. Oz loved her -- or at least had very strong like -- she was fairly certain of that, and why would Xander be telling her he loved her?

She remembered that as she tried to open her eyes she'd asked if it was Oz. And when she'd managed to open her eyes, it had been Oz hovering over her, but that wasn't what haunted her. What threw her completely for a loop was the fact that when she was first waking, she had the distinct memory of holding someone's hand. A hand that wasn't marked by the calluses that marred her guitarist boyfriend's hand. She KNEW that it must have been Xander, sitting at her bedside, coaxing her back to the light with words. And that would make him the one who had whispered "I love you" so softly that she felt guilty for not being able to wake up instantly.

But what had he meant by it? < He meant he loves you. Like a sister, like a best friend, a buddy, a confidant, a sidekick. > But why would he say it like he did? As if he were afraid? The almost begging tone…. Had he realized he loved her as something more? She didn't know what to make of it. Or the feelings of hope that it had stirred in her. She was supposed to be with Oz now. He was kind, sweet, considerate, and a great kisser. < What's wrong with me? > she idly wondered as she lowered her eyes to her blank paper. Would she give up Oz for Xander? Would she give up comfort and reliability for the previously unattainable? It was too much to think about. She glanced at Buffy's empty seat beside her and tried to fight back the sudden tears in her throat. < Where are you Buffy? >

***

Giles sighed and switched the phone to his other hand so he could glance at his watch.

10:00 am.

< Where on earth is Buffy? >

She had been scheduled to check in with him as soon as she got to school, which was supposed to have been two hours ago. Although he couldn't help it, Giles felt very much like a nervous father.

He'd been calling her house for the past half hour and no one was answering.

"Come on Buffy…pick up the phone," he muttered under his breath. He'd snuck into the main office and checked the attendance records in case she had simply been tardy. He'd thought that she might have gone straight to class. She was, however, listed as an absentee. Once seeing this, Giles was sent into a mild fit of panic and had returned straight back to the library, barely escaping Principal Snyder.

< Trollish little man that he is… > he thought with mild irritation. The whiny, insecure and very annoying Principal was finally starting to get on his nerves. < He knows more than he's letting on. > The Watcher narrowed his eyes darkly.

"Hello?" a breathless voice answered so abruptly that he almost dropped the phone.

"Oh..ah..yes, is this the Summers residence?"

The voice sounded disappointed, "Yes, yes it is."

"Mrs. Summers?" Giles ventured carefully, "This is Mr. Giles, the school librarian. I was wondering if Buffy was available to speak with me."

"No, she's not."

"Oh…oh…I see…well, do you know if she'll be coming to school later on today? I was scheduled to meet her for a tutoring appointment and I was wondering if I needed to resch-,"

"Buffy never came home last night."

A cold, sick feeling spread through his stomach, "Ex-excuse me?"

"Buffy never came home last night…well, no, actually she did, but not for long…," her voice broke slightly.

"I don't think I understand, Mrs. Summ-,"

"She's gone," Joyce Summers sounded near tears, "She ran away, I think. Sh-she left a note….she said she didn't want to-to burden me. She CAN'T burden me! I'm her mother, for God's sakes!! I-I….It's all my fault," she broke down into tears.

The numb feeling which had started in his stomach was slowly working its way to his legs. His mouth felt inexplicably dry, "Mrs. Summers, please, calm down…I'm sure there's a logical explanation for all this. Buffy just isn't someone to take off and leave on a whim…."

"She would if she thought it was the right thing to do."

"The..the right thing to do?"

"If she thought it would protect me."

"How would it protect y-,"

"You see, Mr. Giles, I know," she took a deep breath to calm her sobbing.

"Know?" He asked, confused.

"I know about Buffy," her voice sounded quiet and pained.

"What?"

"I know that she's the Slayer."

***

He sat listlessly in the courtyard, tapping his pen lightly against the stone bench.

He couldn't help but feel so lost. Lost in his thoughts, lost in his feelings and lost in his heart.

It was just past 10am and he should have been in his morning Calculus class but he couldn't bear to sit there. So, in true Xander style, he'd bunked it. And, instead of catching some quality time with Cordelia in the utility closet or grabbing some food off campus, what was he doing? Sitting in the middle of the schoolyard, practically in front of the main office and doing absolutely nothing.

< 'I love you.' >

That one, idiotic phrase kept running through his head as he sat, rhythmically tapping his pen on the cold, white marble. What had he been thinking telling her that? Was he a complete moron?

< Well, yes. >

He didn't know what the hell he'd been doing. It was just that…sitting there, holding her limp, cold hand while she was in the hospital…being so close to losing her forever…looking over that cliff into death, darkness and a life without her…it had caused something to well up inside of him. A weird kind of feeling which was vaguely familiar even if he kept it in the back of his head for the most part.

< 'I love you, Willow.' >

It was downright stupid and selfish of him to say it, he knew that now. Unfortunately, it didn't change the fact that he'd verbalized it. That he'd said it out loud. As sick as he felt, there was no way he could take it back.

< 'Willow, I love you.' >

Did he even want to take it back? There was a scary thought. Scarier than anything he wanted to contemplate. What about Cordelia? What the hell would she think? She had no clue what had happened in that hospital room. She was convinced that there was nothing between him and Willow. Almost as convinced as he'd been…

< 'I…I love you….' >

The feelings that had risen up inside him made him both excited out of his mind and nauseous all at once. She'd looked so pale and fragile but yet angelic at the same time. Her appearance was almost prophetic because she alone was the one who could truly save him. Save them all. She was the one who could, and did, restore Angel's soul.

< Respect. >

That was it, he just respected her. He simply hadn't noticed how strong or giving she was until that moment. He had just been overwhelmed by his..his realization of who that person lying next to him truly was. It was cheesy to admit, but he never really knew her until that moment. Sure, he'd been with her ever since childhood and they were close and all, but he'd never really known her. He'd never really seen the spirit that was Willow Rosenberg until that spirit was almost extinguished. It was somewhat like not appreciating the sunlight and warmth until the winter. Her warmth was an ever-present entity in his mind that he'd simply taken for granted. He knew that now. That's why he'd said he loved her. Because he was scared. He was scared of being in the dark.

< I-…Willow, I love you…. >

Did her really love her though? Or was it really just fear that had motivated him to say it? Was it simply the pain and loss of losing her that caused him to risk their entire relationship by calling his feelings for her 'love'? It was a powerful statement. Not to mention that it was quite possible that if she'd heard him, she would loathe him for the rest of her life. He definitely wouldn't blame her for it. He'd treated her horribly these past few months.

< I love you, Willow… >

Maybe he just loved her as a best friend. Or as a little sister. Maybe he meant the type of love that transcended the physical or the type that went against the status quo. He definitely felt protective of her.

That might explain his use of the word love…

What it didn't explain, though, was why, when the very next moment, as she breathed the name "Oz", he wanted to tear the guitar player's throat out. For one brief instant, his hatred for the older boy was more intense than anything he'd ever felt in his life. But suddenly afterwards…it was gone.

None of this made any sense whatsoever.

But the fact still remained. He'd said he loved her. In whatever terms he'd chosen to express his feelings for her, it'd been done and whether or not she heard them or chose to acknowledge them, he still had to deal with it himself.

The bell rang for his next class but he still didn't make a move off of the bench.

< English. They'll deal. >

Out of the corner of his eye, he caught a glimpse of Cordelia as she rushed past with the steady stream of students to her next class. It was rather hard to miss her. In her bright pink halter top and black bellbottoms, the tall, stunning brunette definitely stood out in the crowd.

"Xander!" he heard her call his name above the din of the other students but purposefully didn't turn around. It was almost as if he just didn't have the energy anymore.

Soon enough, she was carried along with the stream and was gone.

The late bell rang and he sighed softly, tapping his pen on the bench again.

As the final students trailed past him, he caught a glimpse of a flaming red head as she limped slightly behind, carrying three or four books.

< She isn't supposed to be walking!? What is she doing? > In an instant he wanted to jump up and chase after her. He wanted to carry her books and hold doors open for her and make sure she got to her next class on time and make certain that she wasn't hurting an-

"Willow? What are you doing? Let me carry those for you. Where's your wheelchair? Are you okay?"

Without even looking, he'd know the owner of that incredibly ingratiating voice.

"Yes, I'm fine! Thank you, Oz."

Xander watched in irritation as the dark haired boy held open the door for his best friend. He felt his heart burn as she bestowed upon him her classic, billion watt 'Willow smile'. And, feeling inexplicably helpless and stupid, Xander watched the guitarist take ahold of her slender arm and guide her to her next class.

And then they were gone. And he was alone. Sitting in complete silence, he felt his legs were weighed down like lead. He had no idea why he was sitting there. No clue why he was rooted to that one spot.

Maybe he wanted to get caught. Maybe he wanted to get into trouble. Maybe he wanted to talk to someone.

Maybe he just wanted to be found.

Part Two

Rupert Giles cleared his constricted throat. He thought perhaps he had heard wrong. "The, uh, the what?" He was gripping the phone, hard.

"I know she's this -- this vampire-slayer-person! And I know you have something to do with it. Willow, Xander, all of her friends do! I'm not as stupid as all of you think!" Her voice rose and then fell to a whisper. "I was just...blind. I didn't want to see. How could you, Mr. Giles? How could you let her….my little girl…fight those, those, things?" Giles could hear her sobbing softly on the other end of the line.

"She's not exactly a, um, a little girl, Mrs. Summers. Buffy has had to make very difficult decisions that have saved countless lives. Last night, she may have saved the whole world." He sighed heavily. "Again."

"But she's only seventeen! Can't they get someone else?" Joyce Summers was ready to explode. No one could understand. Understand what it was like to find out that you didn't know your child at all. Understand what it was like to find out that she risked her life on a daily basis against creatures that weren't supposed to exist for some vague duty bestowed by fate. < I just want my little girl back… >

Giles gripped the phone in stony silence. He wanted to apologize to Buffy's mother. He, of all people, knew closest what she was going through. Buffy had grown to become like a daughter to him. He knew what it was like to wish that someone else, anyone else, had been chosen the Slayer. There were nights when he felt the overwhelming guilt of robbing Buffy of her carefree youth and replacing it with the burden of being the Slayer. But years of ingrained training to live up to his duty as Watcher froze all doubts before they ever reached his lips.

"Mrs. Summers, I think perhaps it would be best if I spoke to you in person. May I come over and, uh, explain some things?" He held his breath slightly as he waited for her permission.

"All right," came the soft reply.

Giles let out the breath. "I'll be there shortly." He began to gather up some books as he switched the phone to his other hand. "Mrs. Summers? I know this may seem only a small comfort to you right now, but we all care for Buffy. I promise you, we'll find her."

* * *

Giles had collected his Watcher Diary on Buffy as well as his book on previous slayers. He hoped that showing them to Buffy's mother would help to explain some things. He sighed and locked the library doors behind him. < It's not as if anyone ever comes here…Even during finals .> He pocketed the key and headed for the doors. Outside, he turned left, preparing to take a short-cut to the parking lot. And stopped.

< Xander? >

Xander was sitting, deeply in thought as he tapped a pen against the bench he was perched upon. < He looks…almost…lost. > Giles made a small noise of frustration as he realized that no one else knew about Buffy's disappearance yet. He himself wasn't ready to deal with the emotions it evoked. How was he to explain to everyone else that she had up and left in the middle of the night? He was tempted to continue on his way and pretend he'd never seen the boy sitting there…But Xander really looked as if he needed a friend. Giles approached him slowly. Xander, for his part, didn't even notice.

"Hello," Giles began, moving to sit beside him on the bench. Xander didn't move an inch. Giles wasn't sure how welcome he'd be to Xander right now. Their fight in the library the day before had taken them both by surprise by its intensity. They were, after all, supposed to be on the same side. But then, Xander had come to rescue him from the mansion, so some issues must have been resolved. "Aren't you supposed to be in class right now?"

"Uh-huh," he answered dully.

"And you've elected to not go because….?"

Xander looked at Giles. < I'm not sure I wanted to be found by Tweed-Man. > He noted Giles' concerned stare, and took in his still-haggard appearance. Angel had really worked Giles over. It was strange how he had wanted to physically pound Giles yesterday during their verbal battle. And now that Giles was pounded, Xander felt so bad for him.

Giles returned his gaze, watching as it seemed that Xander came to a decision.

Xander sighed and prepared to unload his burdened conscience. "Buffy's left, hasn't she?" he asked suddenly.

Giles sighed and nodded. "I was just on my way to speak with her mother. She, uh, knows about Buffy."

Xander looked at Giles in surprise. "Really? Is she okay?"

"Not overly, but I think that has more to do with Buffy's disappearance than finding out Buffy's a Slayer. Is that why you're here? How did you find out Buffy had left?"

Xander folded his arms across his chest and assumed a defensive posture. "I didn't know…I just—I haven't seen her today. Something must've happened." He sighed, all the weight of the world seemingly on his shoulders. "We'll have to find her." He looked at Giles again and met his eyes. "I think I did something really stupid. Really, really stupid. Dumber than that love spell even. That's only the first part. I did more than one stupid thing yesterday." He dropped his gaze and his voice. "I was just a big barrel of stupid looking for a place to happen."

Giles raised a skeptical eyebrow. "That would be --- how does Cordelia put it? – A new low?" He smirked slightly as the corners of Xander's mouth tugged in response.

"Yeah."

"What, uh, what happened? Does it involve Buffy in any way?" Giles removed his glasses and proceeded to clean them with a cloth from his pocket.

"Well, the second part does… Giles, if I tell you this, you have to promise me you'll never breathe a word of it to a living soul," Xander paused for a moment as he considered his words and his location. "Or a dead one."

In other circumstances, on other days, Giles might have laughed. Not now, not today. "I'm sorry Xander, but if it involves Buffy, I can't – I can't say that I may not ever tell her. You have to understand, there are times when her safety may be compromised, and I have to equip her with as much information as I can…"

Xander nodded. "Yeah, I know about the Watcher-Slayer confidence thing. I just, you know, really wanted to talk to someone."

"Xander, I promise I'll keep it a secret if I can. Why don't you begin with the part that doesn't involve Buffy?"

Xander leaned back a little on his bench and surveyed the sunny sky as he pondered where to begin. It seemed almost…unfair that the sun still shone after everything that had happened in Sunnydale. "You weren't at the hospital when Willow was still unconscious," he started. "She looked so – broken, I guess. I was afraid that she'd never wake up. We were afraid – Buffy and I – that she'd never, ever wake up again. I just wanted her back." Xander paused as the remembered terror washed over him anew. Giles was looking at his hands, uncomfortable with the thought of Willow in such a state. "Buffy had to go, obviously, so I, uh, was trying to talk to her, you know, get her to wake up." He stopped and summoned the courage to tell the next part of his tale. "I was just, rambling, you know, saying anything that popped into my head. I thought that maybe if Willow heard my voice long enough, eventually she'd laugh like she always does and everything would be okay again…I was just, running on at the mouth, and then…. I told her that I love her."

Giles almost smiled. So Xander had finally realized what he wanted. It was a shame it had come at such an awkward and awful time. "Love is Friendship Set On Fire," Giles said, philosophically.

"What?"

"Love is friendship set on fire," Giles repeated. "It's an old saying. It's basically advocating that people have to be friends before they can truly love each other. You and Willow have been friends for a long time. Maybe your subconscious pushed out some deep feelings for her because you were afraid it was your last chance. Last chances are when most people confront the truths in their lives." Giles paused, mourning again the last chance he'd never had with Jenny.

"Maybe," Xander agreed quietly. "I'm not sure if she even heard me, though."

"Why is that? She didn't wake up when you said..?"

"Oh she woke up, all right," Xander ranted slightly. "She woke up and asked for Oz."

"Oh. I see. So, what are you going to do now?"

"I'm not sure," Xander admitted. "I'm not sure at all."

Giles watched as Xander once again questioned his feelings. "What happened with Buffy?"

Xander looked up at Giles with surprise, as if he'd forgotten he was there. He opened his mouth and closed it again. He cleared his throat. "You're gonna be mad."

Giles raised an eyebrow. "If you think so, probably."

"You know how Willow tried the curse again?" Giles nodded slowly in affirmation. "Well, she asked me to deliver a message to Buffy. To tell her that she was trying again and to stall Angel if she could. I was afraid that if Buffy held back, waiting, that Angel would win. He would take advantage of any weakness she showed, you know. So, Giles, I didn't tell Buffy about the curse. She didn't know it was going to happen…" Xander hung his head in shame and prepared for the verbal beating that was sure to follow his admission.

Giles sat in stunned silence. His mind worked rapidly to absorb all the implications of Xander's admission. < Angel's blood is the key. Good Lord! > "Oh my God," he whispered aloud. "Xander, I think Buffy may have had to send Angel to Hell. That's why she left…I've got to go." Giles stood up and began a slight jog to the parking lot, leaving a confused and thoughtful Xander behind with his feelings.

***

"We made it," Willow announced triumphantly as she unlocked the door to her computer class. She clumsily dropped her can of pop on the desk harshly as she went to take her books from Oz.

Oz dodged her eager hands and placed her books on her desk, where they would be within easy reach.

"You'd better let me get that for you," Oz said, as he began to carefully open the pop can that had been dropped. She was preparing for her class next period. The computer class' final would be tomorrow, and she wanted to get a lot covered in the review.

"Oz, you're going to be late."

"So?"

"So? So go. I'll be fine," she flashed him a winning smile. He regarded her with warm eyes.

"Are you sure, 'cause I can ditch—"

"I'm sure," she said softly. She sat in her chair and opened one of her books. "Besides, you'd just get bored sitting there watching me read."

Oz leaned over and kissed her softly on the lips. "Never." He smiled and left the classroom.

Willow stared at the page for a minute, not seeing it. Oz was so – good for her. He cared about her -- most likely loved her. < Then why can't I get Xander's voice out of my head? > A soft breeze from the open window stirred her page. She looked out the window and decided to close the blinds to the harsh light. She would leave the window open for the fresh air, but she would close the blinds. She stood and made her way over to the first window. She reached for the cord when something caught her eye. Giles was rushing across the lawn, books in hand. < Maybe he found Buffy… > And then she saw Xander outside, sitting on a bench, alone.

< 'I love you.' >

His voice echoed around in her head as she looked at him. Three small, simple words she had waited most of her life to hear from him. She always thought she'd be thrilled to hear him say them. She thought that hearing Xander tell her he loved her would make her life complete. With those three words, she was supposed to achieve total happiness. But now, she thought, as she analyzed her feelings, she felt more confused than anything. And, she had to admit, a little afraid. Xander looked up and met her gaze with a serious expression of his own.

< We've changed so much. It used to be just the two of us. Now it's all so complicated. > She smiled a little, testing his reaction. < I miss just the two of us. > Xander still regarded her gravely, and her own smile faltered as his expression didn't change.

Xander met her eyes and felt an incredible – something. An overwhelming relief tinged with longing and something else. Love? True, real love? He had almost lost her yesterday. Not the kind of lost where you lose touch, grow apart or have an argument. The 'lost forever' kind of lost. He couldn't even imagine a life without Willow in it. < Strange, I always thought we'd grow old together. I really, really want to grow old with her. > So he said it again. And it felt right. "I love you."

It was something Willow never expected. Although she was too far away to actually hear what Xander said, she'd unmistakably read his lips even as she heard his voice echo in her head. So she did the only thing she could think of. She fainted.

CONTINUE