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"Mrs. Summers,--" She interrupted Giles.
"No. I think, considering that you have so much to do with my daughters life, you should at least call me by my first name." She turned to Xander and me. "You guys, too."
"Joyce," Giles amended. "The events of the past few days have been bleary and confusing at best. I'm not even sure where to, ah, start." He started rubbing at his glasses again, agitated. "Okay, with the curse. Um, the teacher you spoke to me about in the hospital. She and I were seeing each other. We found out, after Angelus was taken from his soul, that she was not just a teacher after all. She was part of the gypsy tribe who had cursed him, and had been sent here to make sure that he and Buffy didn't get too close. When we found out, Buffy was so hurt, as was I, that we both stopped speaking to her for quite a while." He turned away, silently mourning his lost love.
After a moment, he regained his composure. "Uh, When things finally seemed to go right, Buffy had forgiven her, freeing me to do the same, everything went sour. She was to come to my house after school one night." He bit his lip in consternation, not knowing how to say or think about what he knew was coming.
"When I went home, there was opera playing on the stereo, and champagne waiting for me. Roses were strewn all over, leading upstairs where I found her. Lying dead of a broken neck in my bed. Angelus had given her to me like that." He wiped at the tears forming in his eyes. "We didn't know why at the time, we simply thought that she was the first that Angelus had chosen to attack. But it wasn't so." He looked at me.
"I started taking over her computer class," I said. I had to push my feelings out of the way to talk about this. I still thought of her as my friend. "I was the only one in the school, or probably Sunnydale, that knew about computers as much as she did. Four days ago, after school, Buffy and I were studying in her room. She dropped her pencil between two desks, and when she went to pick it up, she found a disk hidden there too. It was the restoration spell for Angel's soul. That's why he decided to kill her. But I guess he didn't find the disk." I went to brush away the tears sliding down my cheeks, but Xander got there first, smoothing them away with his fingertips. I stared at him, and he was looking at me with such compassion that I forgave him of what he had done. Just like that, in an instant, he acquired my forgiveness. Actually, it was not just the look on his face, but more the subject we were discussing. How horrible to lose someone and know that you had not forgiven them in time. We stared at each other for a moment longer, our eyes locked before turning back to the others. I wondered what would have happened if they had not been there.
"Um, anyway, we tried the curse. But a bunch of vampires interrupted us the first time. We thought it was because Angel somehow knew, but we were wrong again." I muttered under my breath, "We always seem to be wrong when it counts." I looked up guiltily, hoping Giles had not heard me, knowing that he would blame himself all over again. I caught him look down, and I knew that he had. I was ashamed of myself. He cleared his throat to take over the conversation.
"There had been a development. A demon, called Acathala, was being pushed to awaken. This demon had the power to suck the world into Hell. Angel was the one bringing it about, only he didn't know how exactly. He didn't know that he was the key, his blood, being so full of hate and evil. That he was the one who could open the doorway to Hell. They needed me for that, as Watcher's often have that sort of information. The rest, Kendra dying, the massacre, That would just have been considered a plus side. They took me, and hours later I awoke in their home." He cleared his throat again, and I had the strong feeling that what was coming next would be some of the hardest things he had to say.
"Angelus tortured me. He visited many physical and," Giles shuddered, "mental tortures on me. But Watchers are also trained for torture. Many have been tormented for the information they had. So I was ready. He didn't count on that. I held my ground. I set it in my mind that I would rather be put through horrendeous pain and die than to have the world and my Slayer go to Hell." He stopped for a minute. Instead of looking proud at that statement, I noted how downcast and worn he looked. How sad...
"But Angelus had something I didn't count on, either. He had Druscilla. Her mental powers were strong, and though I tried to resist, I was sucked into a fabricated illusion, more spectacular and real than anyone would have though possible. She became... She became Jenny." He let out a long, shaking breath and I gasped. Xander's eyes widened and we instinctively clutched at each others hands for support.
Giles looked at us, the strong Watchers' eyes pleading in a way I would have thought impossible days before. My heart hurt. "I told her everything. I was weak, and I wanted to believe her so badly! So you see, this is all my fault." His shoulders slumped forward, defeated. Joyce put a comforting hand on his arm.
"No, Mr. Giles, this is not your fault," she said kindly. "I think it's just a cruel twist of Fate. I think I can figure out what happened next. Angel was the key to open the doorway, so he must have been the key to close it, right? And Buffy must've had to kill him." She sighed heavily, for the first time realizing the weight on her daughter's shoulders.
"But, Joyce, there's something you don't know." I didn't know how to phrase it, but I figured that she would have to know this for later. "We did the spell again. We did the spell in my hospital room, and it worked. I know it worked, I felt Angel go through me. The way that we figure it, he must have gotten his soul back just before Buffy had to kill him. She didn't kill the demon, she killed the man she loved." I looked up from my hands to find Joyce looking at me, startled, her eyes bright with unshed tears.
"Oh, God. My poor little girl..." She closed her eyes against the pain. It slowly sunk in and the tears seeped out from under her lashes. "My poor Buffy.." Her voice came out in a whisper, but I could feel the pain in her voice.
"Um, ah, maybe you would like to go into my office for a few moments to clear your head?" Giles volunteered. "I could come with you and answer any further questions you have." He handed her a handkerchief.
"Yes, thank you. I do need a minute to gather." She turned to Xander and I and smiled briefly. "You really try to take care of her, don't you?" She smiled at all of us, softly, grateful that, though she hadn't been there for her daughter, someone apparently had been. We nodded, smiling back. I felt good to smile and hurt at the same time, like we were doing something we shouldn't. She laid a piece of paper and an envelope down on the table and headed for the office, where they closed the door and sat down.
Xander leaned over and picked up the paper, glancing at it for a second before handing it to me to read. I looked at the familiar sloppy script and a lump started growing in my throat as I read aloud the words my missing best friend had written.
"Dear Mom,
I know in my heart that you didn't really mean what you said before I left. But I have to go anyway. It would just hurt too much to be here, knowing everything that I've done. And I can't take anything back that I did, I wish I could. I wish I could do everything over, my whole life, but this time I would do it better, I would be stronger, and fight harder.
Please don't look for me. I've hurt too many people I love, and I don't want you to get hurt now that you know about my world. Tell some people some things for me, okay? Tell Giles that he is like my dad. (Don't tell dad that part, I still love him a lot) Tell him how glad I am that he was in my life, that he was chosen for me. But especially tell him that I'm sorry for everything. For not working harder and doing more when I could have, but mostly for Jenny. Make sure he knows that none of this is his fault. Tell him I love him.
Tell Oz and Cordelia that they're my friends and that I was glad to have them while I did. Tell Cordy that I really did end up liking her, and that I'm sorry we acted like we did for so long. Tell her to take care of Xander for as long as she's with him. He means a lot to me and I know he means a lot to her, too. Tell Oz the same, about Willow. She's the only person I could tell everything to, and I love her for that, she deserves nothing less than someone who will love her with all his heart.
Mom, I want you to know that I will always love you. I forgive what you said to me, I know you were just mad, and didn't know how to deal. I'll try to come back someday. Don't worry about me, either, because I can take care of myself. Tell daddy that I love him, too, and that I'm sorry for everything.
Love, Buffy"
I finished reading the letter, gulping back the sobs that were rising in my throat. I nodded toward the table and Xander reached over to pluck up the envelope that was sitting there. He wordlessly handed it to me. The envelope had only our names on it, and it was unopened. I slid my nail underneath the flap, tearing it. I pulled the letter out and opened it immediately. Taking a deep breath, I started reading what was coming.
"Dear Willow and Xander,
I don't really know what to say. All I can say is that I love you guys. You were there for me in ways that nobody else could be.
Xander, you made me laugh. When I first became the Slayer, I thought I would never have friends or laugh again. But then I met you, and when you became my friend, I was so happy. You made a lot of my hard days easier because you could make me smile. I love you for that.
Willow, you were always my rock. You were willing to stand up for me, no matter what. I want you to know that I keep you real close to my heart. I never met anyone like you. You're so selfless and nice. And I was so glad I had you. I needed a girlfriend who I could talk to about stuff, and you always made me feel so strong and wanted. I'm sorry for changing your life so much so soon, like mine was changed.
Xander, tell Willow that she's pretty. She doesn't know it, I think. I think she still denies it to herself. And what's more--" I stopped, reading on silently. Tears dripped on to the letter as I read of my feelings towards Xander, things I had told only her. I finished the letter and held it close to my chest, tears falling from my cheeks. Xander reached out to me and took the letter from my grasp. I handed it over, not wanting to fight, knowing he would read it sooner or later.
"What's more, tell her what you really feel. She loves you so much, Xander. You've always been her best friend, and have always kinda known, but here's the whole story. She loves you more than she loves anything in this world. She would give up anything, even die for you. And I think you love her too. I wish you knew that. You will someday. Love should never be wasted-- take as much as you can as soon as you can before it disappears, it can do that. I know you love other people, but true love should come about when you feel it. Never hide it, okay?
I love you guys. Thank you for everything you brought to me. Goodbye.
Buffy"
Xander looked up at me with reddened eyes when he stopped reading, but I kept my eyes firmly on my hands. I was terrified to the deepest parts of my soul, and wouldn't let that little piece of acknowledgment swim to the surface. It wasn't right or fair. He scooted his chair over to mine.
"Wills. Willow, look at me. She's right. Willow, *look* at me!" He lifted my chin with his hand almost roughly, dragging my eyes to his. "She's right. I love you. I don't know what to do about it. I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner, I didn't even tell myself." He stopped and I watched him in silence. What was I supposed to say?
It came out a whisper. "I love you, too." I recoiled in shock, unable to believe that I had just said what I did. Xander again took my face in his hands, gently this time. He stroked my cheek.
"I'm glad." He leaned down and kissed me, pressing his warm mouth against my own. His lips, gentle at first grew in pressure, and I was swept away by the feel of his arms around me. I brought my hands up to his face in startled wonder as his lips continued to plunder mine. He opened his mouth tentatively and I responded by doing the same. I felt his tongue shyly touch my own, and I leaned in further to taste more of him. It was spectacular, and fireworks were shooting off behind my eyes. I let go of all shyness, and cried out softly against his mouth. He wrapped his tongue around mine, and with the passion invading my senses, the heat of his mouth, I ceased to think at all.
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The bell for lunch and Cordelia and Oz headed toward the library, anxiously. Each wanted to hear what was going on, and they met at the waterfountain to head there together. Oz wasn't surprised that he was worried, his friends, after all. But Cordelia was shocked, barely wanting to know that she was worried about Buffy, let alone feel it. As they approached the library doors Cordelia stopped dead in her tracks.
"You okay?" Oz looked at her uneasily. She looked like she had seen a ghost. She nodded at the windows in the door, and he turned his eyes to whatever she was staring at. It heart stopped for a minute.
He wished it would stop forever.
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