Rating: You watch the show, this is quite okay.
Spoilers: If you haven't seen Becoming, go watch it before reading this.
Summary: Becoming and it's aftermath from Willow's perspective.
Disclaimer: Not mine, and never were. These characters belong to the one and only Joss Whedon. :) Please don't sue. < insert puppy eyes >
Authors note: This is for Serendipity and Karen. Hope I pleased you both. And special thanks to any of the archivest who post my stories. You're the bomb! :)
The attack came quickly. No one even suspected it, though we all should've known by then. But we were fools, concentrating so hard on one thing that we forgot what would happen if we didn't pay attention.
I felt Xander hurt before I even heard his gasp. I turned, just as Cordelia dropped her burning herbs and screamed. A vampire. I bolted from the top of the table running to the relative safety of the stacks. I didn't know what to do...I was torn between helping and hiding. I wasn't sure of whether or not I *could* help. I moved to each side of the shelf I was hiding behind, trying to figure it out, watching Xander's arm get broken, watching Kendra fight a vampire. I decided to help. But then, with no warning, the decision was taken from me.
The pain. I screamed, but was cut off by the pain that filled my head. The pain blocked almost everything out... But I could hear Xander breathing, lying a few feet from where I was. He was alive. I breathed a sigh of relief, using the last of my energy, and slipped into sweet oblivian.
I was drifting. I was in the most pleasant place. I felt like I had been carried there. I looked ahead and saw Angel, smiling at me. I don't think I've ever seen him smile, not really. But the smile was blinding, filling the whole room with light. He gestured to me for me to come over to him. I obeyed, knowing instantly that this was my friend Angel, not the demon that had taken him away from us. He was human, I realized! There was no hesitation for me when I pulled him into a hug. He hugged me back. I looked around briefly, and realized that I was in the place of my greatest momories, the place I remembered with the most fondness. Xander's room. Decorated as if we were still 11, though it hasn't changed much since.
"Willow! I'm so glad to see you!" He sounded happy, but there was an undercurrent of sadness in his voice. He missed Buffy. I knew where we were, but needed to ask him anyway.
"Angel, where are we?" I let worry seep into my question, though I didn't really feel it. I was delightfully cut off from worry. But I knew that this was important. He seemed to read my mind and answered me immediatly.
"It's sort of a waiting room. It's a stop on the road to Heaven, if you will. I'm not usually *here*, I have my own paradise, but I saw that you were coming and needed to talk to you." He looked sheepish with the remark about his own paradise, and I realized that where he usually was, it was his greatest memory. I also realized what his greatest memory was, and blushed.
I let him off the hook. I certainly wasn't going to ask him! "Why am I here? Am I dead?" I was so comfortable, death didn't seem that bad. He looked at me sadly, as though he knew that I was considering staying.
"No, but you have the choice to be. If you choose to go back, you won't remember this place, except in your fantasies. If you stay here, or go on, you leave behind everyone that you love. It's your decision." He spoke solemnly and I wieghed his words.
"How long do I have to decide? Oh, how can I choose??" Unwillingly, I let the feeling of fear rush through me. Tears welled in my eyes, threatening to spill over.
"You don't have long. The longer it takes you to make up your mind, the bigger the chance is that the decision is taken from you. You know what that's like." I nodded. "To make up your mind, you can listen to what is being said to you. But I warn you, you might not be able to distinguish exactly who is saying what. Especially if there is more than one person talking at a time. But if the bond is strong... well, you might be able to understand everything." He gestured to the bed, and I walked over and layed down. Without being told, I knew how it went. I closed my eyes.
When I opened them, I was floating above the hospital room. I saw Xander squeeze Cordelia's hand, and saw her head out of the room. Xander leaned in to talk to me. This hadn't been what I was expecting, but I guess our bond was strong enough to make everything this clear. He leaned over and took my unconscious hand in his own. I trained my ears to listen to what he said.
"Come on, Will. Look, you don't have a choice here. You gotta wake up. I need you, Will" His voice was full of dispair with a sliver of hope. I knew how much he was hurting, but couldn't get my mind out of the peacefulness of the place before. "I mean, how am I going to pass trig, you know?" Xander's laugh sounded so sad to my ears... "Who am I gonna call every night and talk about everything we did all day? You're my best friend. You've always...." He trailed off and seemed to go through an internal struggle. My heart was full at the words he had just said to me.
"I love you" There were tears in his eyes, and my heart exploded. A great relief overwhelmed me. I, in truth, had not wanted to choose. My descision was made for me, as I knew I could not have done it on my own. I noticed Oz standing in the doorway. My flying emotions dropped a little. Moment passed like years, then.
I saw Oz, and I was filled with love for him, too. Though I truely loved Xander, the kind of love that really only comes into a life once, I loved Oz as well. Oz had been the one to show me what love can do for you, not take from you. Though I wasn't bitter anymore that Xander had not done that, it was a fact I didn't want to ignore.
Xander and I shared a forever love, but that didn't mean my blossoming feelings for Oz weren't as special. I did love him. A very fond, special, first kiss kind of love. I couldn't hurt him... I knew, then, what I would do. I would be with Xander for the rest of my life, but Oz and I only had a season. I closed my eyes again, and when I opened them I was back in Xander's room with Angel looking down at me.
"Angel, I have to hurry, but--" I spoke in a rush and he interrupted.
"No, you don't. Time has essentially stopped there. You have enough time to tell me what you need to tell me." A slight smile formed on his lips, the one I was used to seeing. He already knew my choice.
"I'm going back." He nodded, knowing. "I want to know why you didn't make the choice to come back, though." Tears filled his eyes, and I regretted asking the question that had been plaguing me. It really wasn't my business.... He saw my remorse over causing him grief, and spoke.
"No, Willow, you have every right to wonder. I didn't have the choice. I was ripped out, plundered. My mind was raped by a demon. My soul couldn't stand the pain. So, as forced, I left. Every chance I get to go back and look at what was happening, I took. I've stopped going, though. It was too hard to watch Buffy going through her struggles. It was too hard to listen to what the demon said to her the morning after we..." He looked at me through tears, and I nodded for him to go on. "Made love. Willow, I don't know if she told you, but he was so cruel. He made fun of her, made fun of the most beautiful thing I've ever been through. He mocked her, and I felt the tears in her eyes before I saw them. He told her that it was obvious that she knew nothing concerning men, when in truth, she had..." He blushed slighty as tears slipped down his cheeks, disturbing the peaceful place we were in. I nodded again. "When, in truth, she had caused far more pleasure than any other woman I had ever been with. Because she made me happy. And I left her a widow. I wasn't strong enough to fight the demon." He started sobbing in earnest, and I had never heard or felt such pain.
I took him in my arms, trying to make it better for him, crooning in his ear. His tears wet the shoulder of my shirt and what he said a moment ago proccessed like a bolt. "Widow?!"
Angel's breath caught, and he looked up at me sadly. "Yes, and I don't think she even knew it. The Claddaugh ring I gave her was not just a token of my love, it was a pledge of my life. Or, non-life. In Ireland, when one was too poor to afford a wedding, and most were, they exchanged a Claddaugh ring. Left hand, facing inward. It meant you were married." He gestured to the ring he wore on his left hand. "Like this... I don't think she ever even knew. Right after I gave it to her, we were jumped by some vampires wanting the arm of the Judge. Everything after that happened so fast. When we got to my apartment, I was going to tell her, explain to her what it meant, but we sort of got lost...in each other." He looked up at me and smiled momentarily.
"Angel, if you could go back, would you forgoe this?" I waved my hand around our surroundings.
"In a second." He answered without hesitation, just like I needed him to for me to come to the decision that I did. I hugged him again, briefly this time.
"That's all I needed to know." He looked at me, confused. "Don't worry about it. I have to go now, but I'll see you soon." I walked over to the bed, and he caught my arm.
"Willow, don't do anything stupid." If humans could growl, he did in that warning. Concerned for me.
I pulled away and laid on the bed. "No, nothing stupid, Angel. The smartest and sanest descisions of my life." I smile up at his frowning face, and closed my eyes.
I heard Xander speak. My head hurt, but I remembered everything, though Angel had told me that I wouldn't. Xander was finishing. I felt Oz come in the room tentitivly. Xander said what I had wanted to hear my whole life again. I loved hearing him say it..."I love you."
But, out of love for Oz, love for both of them, in fact, I did what I had decided to do. I twitched my hand. It hurt. I sucked in a deep breath and spoke.
"Oz?.......Oz?"
I could feel Xander's release of breath, and I could almost hear Oz's heart leap in response. Xander, I'm sorry if this hurts, but we have time...
"I'm here, Baby." Oz walked to my side, and I could feel my thoughts getting less and less coherent, as I became more and more myself. Xander said something about getting a doctor, I noticed vaguely, and Oz took my hand. I was struggling to gather my thoughts. I was suddenly aware that my head felt about three times it's normal size.
"My...head. Feels big." It hurt to speak. My throat was so dry... "Is it big?" I opened my eyes slightly, light assaulting my vision. Through a haze, I saw Oz lean down.
"No, it's head-size." He kissed my forehead with so much tenderness, that, even in my fuzzy state, I knew I had made the right choice. I saw him look down at me, and felt him stroking my hair. So much relief on his face.... I slid into darkness again, but this time, I knew I would be back.
*****************************************************
When I slipped back into wakefulness, the first thing I noticed was that there was something in my arm. My eyes fluttered open, and I saw a handsome male doctor looking relieved. He noticed me looking at him, and adressed me. "Hello. Do you know what your name is?"
I looked at him like he was crazy. Of course I knew what my name was! I decided to humor him. I was in a hospital, after all. "Willow." My voice came out raspy and dry, and Dr. Handsome handed me a glass of water, and I accepted it gratefully, only swallowing a few sips before I putting it down.
"How old are you?" He smiled at the look I gave him.
"Almost 17. Seventeen in three weeks, actually. My mom is Beth, my dad is Ira. My last name is Rosenburg. I'm an only child, and my oldest friend is Alexander Harris. My boyfriend's name is Oz, and he is in a band. The president is Clinton, who I'm not particularly fond of. Now that we've covered the bases, could you tell me what's going on?" He smlied again at my awareness.
"You've been a very sick little..." I raised my eyebrows. " Young woman." I nodded in satisfaction. He continued, obviously thinking me strong enough for the news. You've suffered high amounts of trauma to your head. It's a blessing you're still alive, a whole bookcase was pushed on top of you. For a while there, we weren't sure you were going to make it." He pulled the needle out of my arm and checked my pulse. "Looks like you're going to be fine, though."
He looked down at me seriously. "Willow, I've been told to tell you something. I would wait until you're stronger, but it seems the police need any information you can give them. You're friend Buffy is a suspect in this case. Um, one of your friends has died. Kendra?" He looked at me expectantly and I felt tears fill my eyes. He rushed on. "I'm sorry I have to tell you, but the police need to know where Buffy is. She's in a lot of trouble. They found her leaning over the body."
My eyes got huge. "Buffy?! Are you insane? Buffy wasn't even there! Didn't Xander tell you?? It was a group of, uh, men, that we had never seen before!" I couldn't believe that anyone would actually suspect Buffy of *murder*!
He nodded, confirming something in his mind. "Yes, that's what your friends said. Both of them. The police will have to know about this. I'll come back in a little while and check on you. Would you like me to send your friends in?" I nodded, and he turned away, muttering something about the idiots at the police department.
A moment later, Oz and Xander stepped in the room. Oz beamed me a smile that made me feel a little better. My head hurt, but I was healing. I just wished the healing didn't have to be so painful. I turned my head toward Xander who was looking at me in some sort of wonder. That made me feel better, too. I smiled softly at him, and noticed a look of confusion and some sort of understanding pass over his handsome features. Now he knew. And I think he decided to accept it for now. He did love Cordelia, I knew. A lot. As much as I loved Oz. So we couldn't be together. For now.
I turned my head towards Oz, and thanked my lucky stars that he didn't seem to notice that silent exchange between Xander and me. Oz sat down in the chair to my left, and Xander took the one at the foot of my bed. Oz took my hand, and I saw a flicker of something else pass over Xander's face. I smiled. Then I turned fully towards Oz and smiled some more. He made me feel so much better. I looked up at him gratefully and squeezed his hand.
Cordelia came in the room and when she saw I was really awake, she ran over to hug me. Shocked, I hugged her back. "I was worried" she said." Believe it or not." she added, almost taking away the nice feelings I was beginning to feel about her, and about her and Xander's relationship. Believe it or not... Oh, well. Pure Cordy.
"Thanks." I smiled wryly at my boyfriend and best friend and prepared to speak before Xander interrupted me.
"You're probably still a little confused about what happened." I nodded, and he took that as a cue to go on. "We were performing the ritual to" he spit the next words out in disgust, "Give Angel his soul back" Oh, Xander. If you knew. "When we were attacked. A bunch of vampires came out and started beating on us. Druscilla killed Kendra. I was in and out of it by that time, but we know that Giles was taken. Cordy ran, and is okay. I got off with a broken arm. A bookshelf was knocked on top of you." He looked unsure of whether to go on or not.
"Buffy?" I was worried. The doctor had said...
"She's wanted by the police. They came in just as she was leaning over Kendra, and assumed that she did it all. Morons. She came by to see you. She's okay." Just then, the phone rang, interrupting what he was going to say next. Oz lifted it up and handed the reciever to me. It was Buffy. I breathed a sigh of relief at her voice, so familiar and sad.
"Willow? Are you okay? Oh, god, I was so worried! When did you wake up?" Buffy's words rushed together in worry.
"No, I'm fine. It's okay. I heard you came by. Thanks. And Buffy, this *was not* your fault. I woke up awhile ago, but I've been dozing in and out. I'm so tired..." I said, to soothe her. I could tell she was heaping the blame on herself. I didn't want that. It didn't even seem like it happened over his soul; that was just a lucky break.
I wanted to tell her what Angel had told me. I wanted to let her know that she had actually gotten to be married. She had expressed to me a while back her fears about things like that. Her trust always made me feel so good. I feel sad for her sometimes. Like when she talked to me about how she knew she would never get married. I could see the hurt in her eyes over her destiny. Sometimes it's good to have people make choices for you, sometimes it's not...
I wanted to tell her, but I wouldn't. At least not until I had made things like I knew I could make them. Better. She was talking again. I snapped into focus.
"Are you sure you're alright?" Her voice was dripping with guilt.
My heart hurt that she felt that way, so I tried to assuage her fears and pain. "I'm okay, Buffy, really. I mean, I don't feel good, but I know my name, and who's president and how many fingers. So they don't think my brain got mushed at all." I took a small bite of the jello Oz brought me.
"Thank God. I'm so sorry I can't be there." I started to wonder if I would ever hear anything but regret from her voice again. So sad...
"That's okay. I'm sorry I didn't get to cure Angel." So sorry.
"Don't be. It just wasn't meant to be. I knwo I'm never gonna get him back the way he was. It just makes it easier." Oh, god, Buffy. My brow wrinkled as though I could feel the pain she felt. She was telling herself she was strong enough to do it, and I believed that she would, but I knew she wasn't really that strong at all. She was just using hate to feed her power. Which in some cases I would root for, but in other's I felt it a mistake. She was letting hate override her love, override any hope that she could feel.
"I guess." I didn't know what to say. If what I was planning worked, no explaination would be nessecary. If it didn't, well, no explaination would be needed there, either. "Any luck with finding Giles?"
She sighed, and her voice came out a bit lighter. "Yep. Got a lucky break." I knew how much she cared about her Watcher. Much more than she had ever expected or wanted to. Thinking, I was surprised at just how much I knew about her. I was really her only friend in some ways. Xander seemed to be unsupportive with *anything* concerning the love of her life, and Cordelia was, well, Cordelia. She hadn't had time to really get to know Oz. My heart clenched for her yet again.
"What?" I knew how much it would hurt her to lose Giles.
"You wouldn't believe me if I told you." Her voice came out dry and full of sarcasm. I wasn't sure if I liked the change... Buffy asked for Xander and gave me her love. I handed the phone to him.
I started eating my jello in earnest. Didn't realize how hungry I was. But I kept my focus on the conversation Xander was having.
"On Crawford Street. Sure, that makes sense. So what's the drill?" The mansion? That's where the vampires were? It did make sense. Long since abandoned, with a murder have taken place in it once, was not going to be bought any time soon. Perfect place. The rooms just in the basement were probably too numerous to count.
"You'll need backup." Oz looked at me, and I cast my eyes downward towards the jello, and tried to make myself look as innocent as possible. Nooo, I wasn't planning something potentially life threatening. Who, me? He glanced at me one more time, concerned. I smiled at him reassuringly. He went back to his magazine.
Xander's body language caught my attention. To someone who knew him any less, it would have seemed a normal shift of weight, but, having known him for so long and having studied his movements so studiously, I saw the difference. He was shifting himself away from me. I leaned in slightly to hear better.
"Do you um.... Do you think that Giles is still alive?" He spoke softly, but I caught every word, and the worry that overwhelmed me brought tears to my eyes. Giles... Our friend and father figure. Our emotional protecter. We would be so lost without him.... Xander sighed deeply, and I figured that Buffy's answer must have been one on the positive side. I mirrored his sigh of relief with one of my own.
"Mmm hmm. Okay. Good luck." Xander hung up the phone slowly and turned to look at us. We stared at him and he laughed nervously. He outlined what was going to happen as quickly as possible, detesting every word that he said. Much as I loved his voice, I hated what he was saying, too. He stood and walked restlessly over tp the chair on the far side of my room. Cordelia got up and started an edgy pace from one wall to the other.
"So Buffy's going for the big showdown, huh? Wish we could help." She looked at Xander. "You know, without dying."
Xander shrugged worridly. "I don't see how."
It was as simple as that. There was my opening. "I wanna try again." Oz looked at me.
"Try what?"
"The curse. We never got to finish it. Maybe we *can* restore Angel's soul." I looked up hopefully. The Angel I knew was waiting for Buffy with nothing but a memory to ease his lonliness. I was strong enough now, or at least felt it.
Xander's eyes shot to my own. "I don't like it! You're talking about messing with powerful magic, and you're still weak," he said in protest.
"I'm okay." Xander wouldn't, even for the deep love we felt, give up his hatred of Angel. He had gotten quite good at pretending that it was because of the horrible things that Angelus had done, but really he was behaving like a child who didn't get a toy he wanted. He hated the person who did, and felt so comfortable in it that he didn't want to let go.
"You don't look okay." He turned to Cordelia. "Does she?"
She nodded in agreement. "You should listen to him. The hair, it's so flat." She gestured wildly about. "And the lips...."
Xander looked very annoyed and once again I was pleased with the likeness of our reactions. "Could we please stay on topic here, honey?" My heart jumped in a quick, hot jealousy over his casual use of that endearmant to her, but I pushed it away quickly. It was not the time for that. He turned to me. "Look, it's not a good idea."
I was expecting an answer like it, and was impatient when it came. "It's no use arguing. See my resolve face?" I pointed to my face which I had set into a hard frame. "You've seen it before, you know what it means. This can help Buffy. If we turn him back soon enough, we can stop him from ever awakening Acathala." I stared at Xander, willing him to shut up and follow instructions.
Oz, who had been silent, got up and took my hand. "Okay, I pretty much missed out on some stuff, didn't I? Cause this is all making the kind of sense that's...not." He fastened his eyes on me.
I looked up at him, meeting his gaze steadily. "Go with Cordy to the library and get my things. She'll fill you in."
He looked at me cautiously for a moment before coming to his conclusion. "Sure." He kissed my hand softly before turning to head out. He addressed Cordelia. "I'll drive." He left and she followed out on his heels.
Xander got up and I thought about things I could have him do that wouldn't be to much of a strain on his precious hatred towards Angel. Gosh, I was sounding bitter! I shut the thought away for later, with the all the things that should be examined at a closer range, but never really would be.
"Xander, go to Buffy. Tell her what we're doing. Maybe she can stall." I looked at him practically. That should do it.
"But I..." His voice held just enough traces of a whine for me to set my face again. I pointed.
"Resolve face."
Xander looked at me for a long moment before giving in. "Be careful." His voice was flooded with emotion, and he headed out before I could respond.
My voice came out a whisper. "You too."