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Willow Rosenburg's Computer Journal: May 18, 2003-- Sunnydale High Library; Save To Disk.
I'm getting married tomorrow. I can barely believe it myself. But everytime I look in the mirror, my face tells me it's true. I have a glow to me, something similar to what I saw in Buffy all of those years ago, when she realized that she was married. Sounds strange, I know. It isn't.
There's been so much to do! Things have escalated so quickly, it seems almost like a dream. I haven't written in a while, taking time out to record one's life is hard to do in the midst of so many changes. Oz left not five months ago on his record deal. We're all so happy for him.
Oz and I had been apart for much longer than that, as I've stated in previous entries, but still Xander and I stayed apart out of respect for all that Oz and I were to each other. Out of all the Cordelia had been to him. Typing her name now hurts me-- I still don't want to believe that she died, though over a year has gone by. She had become one of my best friends and closest confidants. But we have had time to heal and grow, so when I now speak her name, joy accompanies all of the grief I feel. Joy over our friendship... And her life.
But the time for mourning has past. I'm getting married tomorrow! I'll be Mrs. Harris... I don't think I'll ever tire of saying that.
It will be a big wedding. I have everything arranged. I'm a little startled at how quickly we managed to set all this up... One month. One month of official engagement. But it's not like we didn't already know where our rapidly escalating relationship was taking us. We already knew what we wanted for ourselves; for each other.
Let's see. How exactly can one express one's happiness? Are there words that can describe how I feel right now? I doubt it. I feel like an earthquake, shaking tremendously, and so nervous it's tangible. Yet I also feel like a tree-- appropriate-- a Willow. I feel calm and almost as if I'm radiating grace and beauty. That's what love does for you.
Giles will be giving me away. My father is going to be out of town, which saddens me, but I understand it. In a way, I feel as if Giles *should* be the one to walk me down the aisle. He was always there for me, my father in ways that my actual father could never have been. Most likely because of the world I lived in an discovered with Buffy, but the reason doesn't matter. Even now, as he trains me to be the next Watcher, he guards me like I'm his own.
As for that, Tracy will be my bridesmaid. She is a strong Slayer, and though I'm not officially her Watcher yet, I train her and like to think of her as my friend. She deserves a large place in my life.
After Julia died, just like our well loved Faith, I remember acting like a petulant child, not wanting to accept death anymore--Too many people I loved had died already. But I soon *did* accept my duty, and Tracy along with it. She's already made all of us very proud. I think she might be almost as strong as Buffy. Of course, I always did like to think that Buffy got some of her strength from us. Tracy does not only remind me of Buffy physically, but emotionally and mentally as well. Something Buffy used to say-- A Slayer needs fire. That's what it is. This feeling of awareness that I've carried in me since so long ago-- this heightened consciousness-- tells me she will be great.
Buffy will, of course, be my Maid of Honor. Or is it Matron? I can never remember. Not that it matters any; she will be standing at my side as I get married. And Angel at Xander's side. I still have to try not to laugh whenever I see them together-- they have such a good time, it's almost amusing to think that Xander once hated Angel.
Even after-- After everything that happened (what I tend to think of as the real turning point in my life so far, my waking up at the hospital and what followed) Xander continued to stay cool towards him-- maybe not trusting Angel fully or just not forgiving himself. That is, until Angel asked Xander to be his best man at his and Buffy's official wedding. Then it was like Xander was suddenly melting under the intense warmth that Angel projected for him. I'm so pleased with the way things turned out.
Buffy being my Maid of Honor is the only thing that feels right, as I was about to say. (I keep getting sidetracked. At this moment, Xander is sending me intentionally lustful looks across the table, trying to make me giggle. It almost works, but then I look back to the monitor. I'm trying not to think about tomorrow night-- another source of giddiness and nervousness for me.)
Anyway, Buffy. Buffy and Angel. ( he's still looking at me! I can't think!) Oh yes! I've been researching for the reason as to why Angel has kept his vampiric strength and energy over the years since he's human, and last week I found it. Something along the lines of once someone has those powers, for so many years (I think it was over two hundred) they won't lose them. It's useful, especially in Buffy's line of work.
"Xander, stop that, I'm writing!" He chuckles at my red face and goes back to researching the monster of the day for Giles. I can't believe him sometimes!
< There, better. He's stopped for now. I'm sure he'll start up again, but that's one of the reasons I love him like I do.
Ohhh! I'm so happy! This was not at all what I thought it would be like. I can barely contain myself! It's overflowing out of me! My laughter bubbles up with no prior warning or reason, and I can't seem to stop smiling. The whole *mood* seems to be lighter right now-- Even Giles is smiling a lot and laughing at (some of) Xander's jokes. >
"Willow, I'm going to patrol and then go home, okay?" Tracy asks. I nod and smile at her, once again feeling that pride when I look at her. She's rapidly becoming one of the strongest Slayers. Buffy gestures to me, indicating that she'll go with Tracy to supervise. They leave and my eyes watch the door swing shut before I returning to my typing.
< The air is light and heavy at the same time. My heart is bursting. When Xander looks at me now, I can *feel* our love. Like something you could hold in your hand, it weighs heavily on my heart. I look at him, and I could swear I remember the first time we met, though our parents say we were just two and three years old. Maybe I'm just imagining a memory that has been told to me a thousand times... but somehow, I don' t think so.
I remember the exact second I saw him. I remember him chasing other little kids around, his two or three extra inches giving him a huge advantage. I looked at him and my heart thumped. I couldn't take my eyes off of him, he seemed so tall and strong and funny and neat. All of that, even though he was threatening to pour dirt down a little girl's shirt.
I think he might have even felt my eyes on him-- he looked at me silently and dropped his shovel where he stood to walk over to me. My heart started beating very fast-- he was a neat kid! I couldn't seem to smile or move or do anything but fasten my eyes on him as he approached me. I studied him silently and knew immediately that he was only playing with the other kids, that he was nice, and if I didn't want, he wouldn't do that to me. When he was in front of me, he smiled softly. That first smile I ever saw from Xander was so lovely and sweet-- not so different from how it is now. I tried to smile, but still couldn't seem to move.
He fascinated me, even then. I didn't want to do anything-- I think I was afraid he would disappear and I would never see that neat, interesting, wonderful boy again. He gently took hold of one of my braids and tugged softly, not enough to hurt, just to see what I would do. He flicked it away and it bounced off my ear. I think he was trying to get me to move. I cocked my head to the side, still studying him, not sure if I should be angry, but hoping he would stay with me.
He suddenly scooped me into his arms, then, and squeezed me tightly. Finally realizing he wasn't a dream, I hugged him back. We continued to hug for quite a long time, only stopping occasionally to stare at our new treasures. My theory is, simply, that we completed each other then, filling a void we didn't know until that moment was empty. It's been like that since. It always makes me smile thinking of later, when our parents tried to separate us, how we screamed and held on to each other as if for dear life. As if-- As if we would not be complete anymore once we were divided.
I was actually the one who gave him the name Xander. I tried to fit my mouth around that long word "Alexander," his full name, but I couldn't seem to. Xander just stuck, it simply suited him better. How did I know that then? Was it because I couldn't speak the word, or something else? Now, looking back, it seems as if this was fit inside of us so long ago. This unconditional love. Of course, how could a three year old know all this?
Through everything, fights, tears, first kisses, other loves, hellmouths, fear, pain, loss and togetherness, he's been the one thing that could fill my heart everytime I was sad or lonely. Everytime I was empty, he filled me with his hand in mine or his laughter or just letting me lean my head on his shoulder. It's like, since that one moment, frozen in time, our hearts have been entwined. Our bond is so special.
Enough of this-- I'm going to make myself cry, and the last thing I need tomorrow is puffy eyes! It's finally happening! I don't think, years from now, that this feeling will ever diminish between us. I'm so grateful for that! I'm signing off now. STOP>
Xander comes over to squeeze my shoulders as I turn the computer off. His touch, so sweetly familiar and warm, makes my stomach tighten and I lean against him. Giles smiles at us warmly and goes into his office, either to give us privacy or to research something, I don't know. Xander leans down and kisses my temple.
"I love you, you know that?" I smile at the simple, sweet question.
"Yes, I know that. I love you too. So much, Xander." I turn my head and my mouth meets his softly, tenderly. He breaks the kiss slowly and looks at me with seriousness in his eyes.
"I can't wait for tomorrow, Will, I really can't." I nod and my eyes well up again. Seeing my impending tears, he can't resist making me laugh and continues in a husky voice, wiggling his eyebrows comically. "Especially for tomorrow night." It works, and now I'm laughing instead of crying.
I put my hand flat on his chest and push him away, but not before he gives me another sound kiss on the mouth. I grin and point to the door. "Go. It's nearing midnight, and you can't see me after that."
He grabs my hand and kisses it before bowing deeply and walking out. I stare after him, a smile lingering on my face.
From here, I can see my future. I love what I see.
The End