disclaimer in part 1
Xander went to the Library as usual after school, almost hoping to see Willow, Cordelia, or even Oz, though he was sure to be getting a faceful of fist from the werewolf. And let's face it, he deserved it. He ran over the events of the past week again in his mind. How had he sunk so low? And to be honest, the whole Willow love thing wasn't even the worst of his bad deeds. How was he ever going to tell them all that he never told Buffy that Willow was going to try the spell again? No, big jerk that he was, he had let Buffy go in to a situation not fully informed about all the implications and outcomes.
Where was she? And Angel? Neither of them had gone back to Angel's apartment- it had been routinely checked by either himself or Giles. His only guess was that either Buffy and Angel were happy somewhere together enjoying the fact that he had gotten his soul back just in time to stop Acathla from sucking the world into hell...
Or he was dead, and Buffy had killed him.
And Xander knew for a fact, that if that was the case, it was all his fault. No question, he should have told her what Willow was up to. Who was he to make the judgement whether Angel should live or die? It wasn't his call to make, and he had taken the choice out of Buffy's hands. And even though she might have killed him anyway, she should have at least been made aware of the options.
He'd been thinking a lot about it over the past week, and he needed to tell someone. Too bad none of his friends were speaking to him. Not that he deserved to be spoken to. Giles opened the door to his office a moment later, and looked at the lone Slayerette sitting at the table.
"Xander, where is everyone?"
"Well, they're kind of not speaking to me at the moment, so I assume they're skipping reasearch duty to stay away from me."
"What did you do?", Giles exclaimed, looking at the boy with his token 'What is it this time?' expression.
"Well, that's kind of a long story..."
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Willow and Cordy sat in Willow's room, sharing a quart of cookie dough ice cream. It was the best medicine for depression. And god, did they need it.
They had finished telling each other Xander stupidity stories back at school, and when the final bell had rung, Willow suggested skipping Slayerette duty in favor of frozen treats. Cordelia had heartily agreed.
They had now fallen into a deeper discussion of Xander, and why he did what he did.
Willow's theory was that Xander was, in fact, a complete and utter mess. "Look at his life- he doesn't ever see his parents, his two best friends are girls, one of whom at least he is physically attracted to. His former best friend was killed by a vampire, and his new best friend, the Slayer couldn't save him. Plus he's dating the most popular girl in school, all the while never bothering to hide his lust for another woman- can you say issues?"
"No kidding. The guy, as much as I do love him, is in serious need of psychological assistance. I mean, he's trying to be everything to all of us, that can't be good for his psyche."
"I know. He's brotherly and protective friend to me, boyfriend to you, sidekick and assistant to Buffy. He is trying to stretch himself in one too many directions. It's like he's trying to make himself invaluable to all of us. Like we'd ever forget him."
Cordelia nearly dropped her spoon. "That's it Willow- you're a genius! He is trying to make himself the most important person to all of us. Think about it- his parents ignore him, they barely even recognize his existance. We are all he has. And when Jesse died, it was a huge deal for you and him, but no one else really knew Jesse, so it wasn't as crucial to us. I think Xander is afraid that if he dies, no one will remember him, and by trying to be everything to all of us, he's just trying to assure himself that someone will care if he's gone tomorrow."
"But of course we'd care! We all love him!"
"But maybe he doesn't know that."
"Well then, what do you think we should do?"
"I'm not sure, but we have to do something, or else he'll end up hating us and himself for not being able to pull it off. We have to find a way to convince Xander that he is important, to us anyway, and that's all that matters. Then maybe he'll stop the rollercoaster ride he knows as life and actually grow up and choose between us."
Willow sighed as she licked her spoon. "I hope you're right."
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Buffy glanced over at Spike as they neared Sunnydale. They'd both been quiet since he'd dropped his little bomb on her earlier. But Buffy felt it was time to talk plan of action.
"So, where do you think she'll be?"
"I figure, the mansion where we were before- she'll want to see if Ang... if her daddy's home."
"Okay. But what's she going to do when she sees that he's not?"
"Well, I assume she'll be rather displeased. She'll probably start looking for you, and your little friends."
"What do you think she'll do if she finds them?"
"Considering how Dru felt about you know who, it's safe to say that she took it easy on your friend Kendra."
Buffy exhaled loudly as the passed the "You are now entering Sunnydale" sign. She figured it was her last breath of freedom for a while.