Summary: Xander's thought's after Becoming
Content: Nothing bad at all. You watch the show, this is fine
Disclaimer: These character's aren't mine, nope, sorry! They belong to the wonderful, brilliant, wise Joss Whedon, who I hope by buttering up, he'll decide not to sue me for using them. :)
I held her in my arms. She was asleep, and though I was tired beyond belief (getting that crap kicked out of you can do that to a guy) my mind wouldn't let me rest. My shoulder hurt, I had been trying to be still so as not to wake her. Cordelia squirmed slightly in her sleep, talking to someone in her dreams. I took the opportunity to adjust my arm.
This was a far cry at how I envisioned my first night with Cordy to be. I thought-- of course in my dreams-- that it would be filled with passion, and lust, and her telling me I was a god. Not with tears and quiet conversation and the simple relief at being held. Not a chaste night full of lo- feelings and knowing that it was enough to be together. Counting our blessings that we were.
But that's how it was. I absently stroked Cordy's hair and she purred against me, whispering my name. I wished I could slip inside of her dreams, the ones she never told anyone about because she was afraid of what they would say. I knew she had them. I knew a lot of things about her that she didn't realize. I knew a lot of things about everything.
I was pulled back to the memory of the stupidest decision I had ever made. It was stupid, I know, and I can't seem to forget about it for more than a minute at a time. It was there, the opportunity, the words. All on the tip of my tongue. But I chose not to tell Buffy, ignoring the fact that I was taking away from her the one thing that could make her happy. The one thing that would comfort her, guide her. Probably the only thing able to protect her. I pretended that I was doing it to save her, but I didn't have that ability, and I knew it. Maybe that's why I took all those things from her. How many people did I betray in those three little words?
It's been only two days since this happened. Only two days since she's been gone. But it seems like forever. Giles looks tired and worn. Willow stays up all night on the computer searching, when she should be resting so that her injuries will heal. Oz seems shaken by all of this, shaken that Willow got hurt, that she could again. And Cordelia...
My girlfriend loves us all. I see her sensitive side sometimes, and when she lets it out for a moment, I'm moved. Touched. Like, in my heart. There'll be minutes where she tells me that she's not who we see her as being, like in a sweet kiss or a consideration she takes. I see her worry, though she tries to convince herself she doesn't care. Trying to convince herself that she still thinks she's better. I love her, too. That's part of why I can't sleep.
But not the whole reason. "Willow." I whispered the name reverently. Willow, my best friend. Willow, the person I trust and lean on. Willow, who I love. Not an easy admission, five days ago. Not an easy statement to accept when things were fine. I mean, don't get me wrong, I've always loved her. I just am a good liar, I guess. To myself, mostly, but to others as well. Like her. But now I can't lie anymore. Now the truth weighs on my mind heavily.
I don't know how I allowed myself to not acknowledge her beauty until she was barely holding it in the hospital. Until her face was pale and her heartbeat unsteady. Her heartbeat. That's when the full impact of it hit me. I heard her heartbeat on the monitor and it sounded so frail. I couldn't seem to grasp that. Willow was always the strongest of us all.
I hated myself intensely for all that I had done to her. For not *knowing*! How could a person be so blind? Looking back, it's so obvious, her feelings for me. Plain as day, the incidents stick out like pieces of broken glass in skin. Just as sharp and twice as painful.
I don't even know how long I loved her for. It all blurs together, no set time. It just always was. Like it was fit inside of me, before I was born. None of this made any sense. I always knew I would be the first one to go insane... My not-too-stable sanity wasn't the issue, though, Willow was. Her beauty, her charm, her laugh. How many times had I come to school depressed, hoping--Knowing that her laugh would make things better?
And she understands me. Like I don't understand myself. I think that that kind of understanding probably doesn't exist except in her. How many mistakes is it possible to make in a lifetime? I'm pretty sure I've exceeded the quota. My eyes get hot at the thought of her words to me after she found out about Cordelia and I. "No... It just means you'd rather be with someone you hate... than be with me." Such a small statement. But I had hurt her more that anyone should be forgiven for. That's what makes her so remarkable.
Thinking of Cordelia, my heart stirred guiltily. I looked down at her, nestled in the crook of my arm, and saw the look of peace on her face. The kind only found in sleep, if you knew about our world. The kind that I didn't have, and was sure I couldn't have again. Guilt does that to a person. Guilt, and clarity.
When Willow said his name in waking up, it was the weirdest thing. At first, I could have sworn she said mine. And even after, it hurt, but didn't matter. She was awake. I thanked every source that it was so, only going into the bathroom a moment to fight back tears. No time to be sad... Willow had woken up. I had woken up.
Only, now I didn't know what to do. What choice do I make? What was the right answer? The girl who taught me how to love beyond all reason, or the girl who was teaching me what to do with that love? The girl I had always leaned on, or the girl who was now taking support from me? The one who was moving on, or the was who was staying near? Not an easy choice. I decided I hated life.
But then Cordelia moved again. She opened up sleepy eyes and stared at me. "Oh. Xander, did I ever tell you that you're everywhere? You never leave, right? You won't ever?" She closed her eyes, nodding to herself. Nonsense words, meaning nothing and everything. I smiled, realizing that she had summed up my entire thought process for the night in a few questions.
I still didn't know the answers. The one learning to love me or the one learning to stop? And if I chose Willow, would she have me? Would I ask *her* to give up so many things as well? For me...?
I pulled a blanket on top of us. Cordelia curled against my side, and pressed her face to my neck. I really did like the smell of her hair.... I let my eyes drift shut. I tightened my hold on my girlfriend. She murmured a quiet affirmation of something and my questions started to slowly fade into the quietness.
The answers would wait for the morning.
The End