No Matter What

She was holding a sword in her hand and it was raised. Buffy, why do you look so scared and confused? So many thoughts and questions were being thrown at me but all I could think of to tell her was that I didn't remember. I remembered only her in that moment, her silken hair twined through my fingers, her hot hands against my cold back. Mostly her lips, touching mine in love. For with her mouth and lips she proved to me that I was worthy of her love; I still don't understand why she thinks so.

I raised myself to my feet. As Buffy slowly started to lower the sword, she said "Angel?" A question. Her voice in the second still haunts me.

"You're hurt" was all I could answer once I realized she was bleeding. I pulled her arm and she glided into my embrace. I was flooded with sadness and confusion. Why was I so sad? What was I missing? She melted into my arms, confirming my fears. Something was going on here. I didn't want to think about that, then, though, I pushed the questions out of my head and concentrated on loving her as she so obviously needed. "God, Buffy, I feel like I haven't seen you in months."

She pressed herself fully against me silently asking me to hold her up, relaxing in my arms. My answer will always be yes to that quiet question of will I hold her up. She will always be able to lean on me-I will never drop her. That faith is as important to her as it is to me, I suspect.

Suddenly I felt her tense. I was confused yet again, but no matter. She'll tell me if I need to know. "What's wrong?"

"Shhh. Don't worry about it." I did, but managed to push that thought aside, as well, as she raised her mouth to my own. She kissed me hungrily, with longing. I could taste our tears, intermingling, as tears can do. Why were we crying? So poingant was that moment, so special was the kiss, I guessed. The answer would come to me later.

"I love you." It was whispered, and full of feeling. Why was I sensing so much sadness in that phrase? "I love you" was my automatic answer, no question to my feelings being presented. How could I not love the only one in the world to make me feel human enough to be loved? She'll never wonder again, I thought fiercly.

"Close your eyes" I looked at her, and she nodded. I obeyed, trusting her without question, such was our love. She kissed me again, shorter this time, and I could smell the tears she was so valiently trying to hide. Seconds later, as searing pain through my chest. My eyes sprang open in pain, but I already knew that it was she who had done it. And I knew that she would have never had done it if she didn't have to.

"Buffy?" I said, needing to hear her name from my lips once more. I looked at the tears streaming down her face as she avoided my gaze. I wanted her to know. I wanted her to know everything, that I forgave her, and loved her; that I always will. I wanted her to know that it was okay; I wanted to comfort her. I looked at her one last time-and then my world went dark.

I realize now, all that I did. I realize how I hurt her and her friends, my friends. I realize that I deserve this Hell of being trapped in my thoughts, of being without her. But I want her to realize, too. I want her to realize that I will ALWAYS love her- no matter what.

The end