Rating: Let's say... PG13
Content: Usually my stories have a G rating, but this contains thoughts of Buffy and Angels night together, and I'm being cautious.
Spoilers: Up to and including Becoming 2
Summary: Angel gets out of Hell
Disclaimer: These characters are not mine. They belong to Joss Whedon and Mutant Company, and I would so appreciate it if they didn't sue. :)
Text in Italics represents thoughts.
Pain clawed at my skin. I felt my eyes roll back in agony. I was waking up from a slumber full of terrors. I frantically grabbed for the support I used. My memories. Even Hell could only touch me slightly there.
I slipped quietly in, and could almost feel cool air touch my face as I wore my memories as a shield for the day. Like I had been doing for at least a hundred years. I tired not to think of how long I had been there, though, knowing that even my beloved couldn't have lived for a hundred years. Immortality denied to her was one of Fates crueler tricks. It was always playing mean games with us.
So, instead of thinking the truth, I thought of the world of pretend that we had built for ourselves. The world of pretend that, though was full of honesty, *did* deny what we didn't like. *Did* deny what our hearts couldn't handle knowing. I slipped into my world with Buffy.
I started, like I did every day, remembering the first time I had set my eyes on her face. The first time I would ever see her, the only time with the sun hitting her hair. I treasured the light of it, stroking her hair in love, playing with her smiles. I recalled thinking that she would make an exceptional Slayer. Something on the inside that the others I had faced simply didn't have. She walked with her friends, giggling like an innocent girl and I was immensely sorry that her innocence wouldn't last as long as she thought it would.
That night, as I watched her face her first vampire and win, I felt the first good feelings stirring inside of me in the last ninety years. Trying to push them back-- after all, I was a monster, who didn't deserve feeling like that -- I watched anxiously as she slayed her first vamp and came to the realization that the world as she knew it was over. No more happy, innocent days. I was overcome with emotion, unsuccessfully denying that we were already tied. That I had sealed both our fates by looking upon her face that day for the first time.
I walked her home that night, for the first time ever, not knowing then how many nights in the future I would make sure she got safely home. I looked at her through her window and watched those precious tears fall, wishing I could catch them on my fingers and make sure she never shed them again. Alarmed, I turned away, not knowing what to do with these rapidly blooming feelings I was having for this young girl. Trying my best not to know that the feelings were the very first stirrings of true love. It never worked.
I made my way down to the sewers that night, fully intending to tell the Whistler that I couldn't take the job. It seemed far too dangerous for me to be around someone who made me feel so-- who made me feel. My acceptance slipped out of my mouth, though, unheeded. And before I could take back what I had said, we were off and running, buying me clothes to fit the part, training my body for the fighting it would inevitably require. And of course transferring the funds of eight dead rich men into an account of my own to sustain anything that I would need. The Whistler never did acknowledge the meaning of "enough."
Then, later, when I first talked to her. I stayed cryptic, listening to the words of caution the Whistler had given me to not become a part of her life. The only thing the demon was ever really serious about, and it continued to break my heart, denying me real contact. Making me have to disappear into the shadows as soon as my job for the night was done. Especially when I actually started talking briefly with her, noting her raise in body heat when I was around. Almost torture to leave. But I always did.
Until the night I saved her from the Three. Breaking all rules, I decided to stay over, if only for the one chance I would ever get to listen to her heartbeat while she slept. To smell her perfume on my pillow. And then the next night for me, pure heaven and hell, knowing I should leave before things got out of hand and I kissed her. I wanted to kiss her so much. The smell of her hair, the strength radiating off of her in waved. I denied all doubts in a flash of hazy passion.
Her lips on mine were sheer heaven. I felt the smallness of her body, fitted perfectly to mine and snuggled her closer as she wound her strong arms around my neck, pressing her hands to my skull. I felt the change, though, and panicked. I almost smile now at the amazing turn of events. How she found out and accepted me. Our searing kiss at the Bronze. Stepping out of the shadows for a brief moment in time to touch her light.
I tried not to be around her, after that. I still followed her home every night, making sure that she was safe, but I couldn't talk to her. It hurt too much, knowing that how wrong it would be if she was mine. A Slayer and a vampire. I was sure Fate was laughing his butt off.
So many things. So many things that were left unsaid, though everything was felt. When the Taraka assassins were after her. I remembered when we decided to go skating together. And then later, as she reached up to touch my cut eye. I turned away, embarrassed and ashamed of what I was, not for the first time. With her words, though, I allowed my world to fall away.
"Oh. I didn't even notice." And as she reached up to tough my brow with her bared fingers, I stood in awe for a moment, realizing that, truly, love was blind. It moved me as I swept her into my arms, that a Slayer could love a vampire so much that she would not even realize when he was in his vampire state. We kissed and I felt my long since dead heart thump, in recognition of love.
Our lives continued to pass in the shroud of love, making us feel invincible from all harm. Though things still came against our unique romance, we fought them all back, and succeeded. It felt like nothing could stop us. I remember vividly placing the ring on her finger, pledging my love to her, but having my heart be too full to say it. I wish she had gotten to hear it more.
That night, she gave me the remains of her innocence, and I gave her my soul. We took each other to the height of passion and back again, pushing our bodies to exhaustion with our need to express all the love we could in one night. Selfishly, even knowing what would come later, I would do that night over again if I could. I regret not a moment of what happened in my warm bed with the woman I considered my wife. She made me truly happy, and content, and no matter what anyone says, no one really finds the place that we did. Her kisses littered on my mouth, the offering of her neck when it was time. The trust she gave, full and open and I sank my fangs into her neck and we finished together. The blood of the Slayer who loved me running through my veins and we snuggled together and whispered words of love to each other. I try never to think of the next part, even the acknowledgment of the things that happened in the next five months bring me back to Hell.
I think, instead, of our last moment together. I dream of her face moving towards mine, and her tears on my neck. I think of the warmth in that last embrace. I wish hard that it could happen again. But it doesn't, and I am denied in my hopes. I think of our last kiss, and of her warm mouth seeking refuge against my own. I would've sacrificed myself, I hope she knew. I would've given everything. I hate thinking that she would blame herself, though I know she did.
My memories come to an end, and I slip back into the shadows, the heat pulling at my eyes once again. Just like being in the sunlight for a vampire, but there is no end to this torture. I try to get back into my dreamworld again, but it evades me, and I know it's another joke being played, giving me a taste of something sweet, and turning it into vinegar.
Suddenly, though, something is different. Different from all of the countless days I have been there, something that shocks me. A light invades the dark torment of where I am, and I use all my strength to run to it. I run, faster and faster, but I seem to be staying in the same spot. Suddenly, I collapse on the ground and cool air wafts over my face. A comforting hand reaches for me and runs lightly over my brow. The pain is far less, and though it hurts, I rejoice at knowing that I am back on earth.
A bleeding wrist pushes in front of my face and I latch onto it, feeding with passion. The familiarity pushes it's way into my mind, and I know whose blood I am taking, again offered to me in a moment of trust and joy. I thought she was dead! It couldn't have been a hundred years... Of course Hell would make it seem so! My mind rejoices in the knowledge. I let go after taking enough, and open my eyes, realizing that I'm in no more pain. I look at my hands first, and I am shocked to realize that it is normal. No burn marks, nothing. I am shocked again to see a small twitch in a vein on the top on it. I breath in deeply, not knowing what to do. It registers, and I stop breathing, long enough to realize that I can't. I need to breath. Oh my God.
I look up into Buffy's face, watching me with hooded eyes. I am in shock, realizing that I will never have to feed again. That Buffy's offer to me was a way of making me... human. I look back down when she says nothing, knowing that she is blaming me for everything, knowing that she will never forgive what I have done, and I get shakily to my feet.
I stare at the ground, not knowing what to say. Xander, Willow, and Giles stare at me, as if trying to gauge whether or not it worked. I can't meet Giles's eyes, and I turn toward the door, mumbling the only thing I can think of. "I'm sorry." And a whispered, "Thank you." I start for the exit, not able to be in the same room with her knowing she hates me.
But I stop when I hear her heart cry out. Her heart speaking to mine, so new, and yet I don't question it. So right. Angel! "Angel!"
I turn slowly around, not knowing how, but knowing that I was wrong. I look into her wet eyes and my tears spill over. For lack of knowing what else to do, I open my arms to her. She looks at me, slowly processing that I'm not leaving, and then runs into my waiting arms. I fold them around her and we sob together, clinging as if for dear life. I murmur softly in her ear, incoherently, soothing her with my voice. I step into the light of her soul, and for the first time, I'm not burned at all, not stung my the harsh reality of vampire and Slayer. Our hearts say more words than our mouths do.
I love you, Buffy. I'm so so sorry. I love you. I love you. "Shh, It's okay, it's okay."
Angel. I'm sorry! I didn't want to! It broke my heart! I'm sorry! I love you more than anything! I love you... "Oh, Angel..."
The others watch in silence, and I look up briefly, silently thanking them with my eyes. Giles nods, looking tired and proud, and smiles at me. I know that he forgives me, and I'm so grateful, I nearly collapse. They turn and go into Giles's office, giving us time to be alone.
Buffy continues weeping against my chest, not loosening her grip on my waist. I nearly laugh. Buffy, I have to breathe now, too.
She sniffles and giggles, slightly loosening her hold. I lift her chin up for a kiss and she meets me halfway. My Beloved... Our lips meet, and she leans up to get closer. The intimacy of the kiss is the final step to my humanity. To knowing I'm forgiven.... I smile against her mouth and lift her up, spinning her around as she continues to press my hot mouth with kisses. We laugh in joy, the sound ringing in our ears and through the library. No time for sadness or questions now. I set her down gently, and let my eyes rest on her face, filled with light from the sun spilling in the windows.
She places her hand in mine, and we wordlessly leave the library and the school, heading towards the daylight. I squeeze her hand, and she grips mine back as I feel the sun hit my face for the first time in 243 years. We head out, not knowing where to go, but I know one thing. The End