RATING: PG
CONTENT: There's nothing really horrible or graphic in this story.
Basically if you can watch the show it should be fine for you to read
this.
SPOILERS: Becoming I and II, definitely. Surprise, Innocence and all
the episodes after that to a certain extent.
SUMMARIES: Buffy has one last chance to say good-bye to Angel. *Tissue
Warning*
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Buffy, Angel or anyone else I may mention in
the story. Joss Whedon, the WB and lots of other people do. I do
however own Meaghan.
It's been two months since I left Sunnydale, my friends, family, everything. The only thing I haven't been able to leave behind me is the pain. God, it's like it follows me. A black cloud, wherever I go it's there, tainting everything I touch. I wish that it would just leave me in peace. I wish that my past would stay buried.
They say time heals all. It's not true or maybe it is for some people but not me. I guess my wounds are too deep. Sometimes, I'm so tired of living, fighting but no matter how much I want to I know I can't end my own life. I have a duty, a responsibility to humanity. I can't just ignore that. I know that I have to fight to the end.
***************************************
I e-mailed Willow yesterday at a small computer cafe in downtown New York. I think it was called the Java Cafe. They served good coffee. It didn't take her long to reply. I didn't think it would. She told me Giles was okay, he'd recovered from the injuries Angelus inflicted upon him.
Mom, she said was coping. She missed me, they all missed me. Amazingly my father had come to Sunnydale to help her deal with her grief, and his. Maybe he felt partially responsible for my disappearance, like if he had been there I wouldn't have left. In any event him and mom are moving back to LA, together on Wednesday. I'm happy for them and I know that together they will survive. Besides they deserve each other. I'm glad that out of all this pain they can find some sort of happiness.
Willow said that over the past months her and Oz had become closer. Oz had been there for her when it counted. Now they had each other. The same was also true for Xander and Cordelia. They had even stopped arguing, at least for awhile.
Spike had stayed true to his word and left Sunnydale with Drusilla in tow for parts unknown. I still can't believe that I actually allied myself with... Spike. Anyway at least he wasn't terrorizing the residents of Sunnydale anymore. Actually, according to Willow there hadn't been very much paranormal activity in Sunnydale since I stopped Angel. I'm glad for that, it makes me feel like maybe I did just a little bit of good and maybe my friends and family can have the happy ending that they deserve, even if there will be no 'happily ever after' for me. Then again, I stopped living in fairy tales a long time ago, they only disappointed me when I found out how cruel the world could really be.
The last thing Willow told me, before she ended the email was that two weeks after I left Acathla had disappeared. It had been there one night and the next morning it was just gone. I'm not really sure how this made me feel. I think that maybe as I read this the last shred of hope I held, that one day Angel would return, died. I don't know how much hope there was to begin with, I think I knew long before the statue disappeared that Angel was gone. Still we have to hang onto what little scraps we have.
After contacting Willow I knew I had to leave, she would trace my email to New York and they would come and look for me. I really don't want to be found. All I do is cause pain. It really doesn't bother me, going from on place to the next, to me every place looks the same. That leads me to where I am now, on a bus that I am told is heading for Canada. A new start in a new country. Who am I kidding, there is no new start for me. I could run as far and as long as I wanted, put thousands of miles between me and Sunnydale but it wouldn't make any difference. The memories would follow me.
***************************************
Shaking myself from my reverie I realize that the bus is slowly coming to a stop. I glance out the window. The neon lights of a service station reflect on the wet pavement. It was raining and I didn't even realize it. God, am I that lost? I watch as the bus empties of passengers. They are eager to eat or shop, maybe both. I envy them so much. They live in their blessed darkness, not knowing the horrible things that really go on in the world. Part of me hates them for this. I wish that for just one day they could all see things from my perspective and know the pain I've felt, the things I've had to sacrifice, all for them. My life, my friends and family. Angel. I still miss him. I wonder if I always will.
I watch silently as a white haired old woman steps onto the bus. She gives off a strange, somehow comforting feeling. There are many empty seats on the bus and I expect her to choose one of them but instead she slowly approaches me. Her skin is wrinkled, delicate like the petals of an old flower you see pressed in the kind of books a grandmother keeps. She wears an simple old-fashioned dress. Her eyes are what I notice most, so green, they remind me emeralds, deep and beautiful but at the same time filled with untold secrets. They hold such kindness and mystery.
"Is this seat taken dear?" Her voice reminds me of my own grandmothers.
"No, sit down please." She stands in front of me, a woman I've never met, yet somehow she seems so familiar. It's now that I notice her slight Irish accent.
"It's so nice to meet a lovely young woman. If I may ask though, what is a pretty young girl like yourself doing in a place like this? Are you running away from something? Oh, but that's none of my business. I'm sorry. I'm just a nosy person."
"No it's okay. Your right. I am running, not successfully, from my past." As I say this I can feel tears forming in my eyes.
She looks at me kindly and reaches for my hand, holding it tightly she begins to speak. "It's okay dear Buffy. I suspect you have good reason to run. You must have lost someone you loved very much. I've been where you are. It gets better."
"I didn't tell you my name. Have we met before? You're right though, I did lose someone I love." I don't know why I'm telling her all this. I just trust her and I can't explain that. The feeling that I know her from another place, possibly another time, haunts me.
"In a manner of speaking, yes we have met before. I've watched you for years and I know much about you. I know someone close to you. Someone you think you lost. He watches you. You know that don't you?" She questioned. "He loves you very much" Her voice was filled with compassion and understanding.
"That's impossible. Angel's gone." Tears stream down my face as I say this.
"Anything is possible my child. You should know that by now. Keep your chin up. Be strong."
"I don't think I can. I've lost so much. Angel. I miss him. God, this is all my fault." As I say this I let go of her hand.
"No. Dear, you couldn't control what happened. You couldn't have known. You loved him, he loved you. As for Angel, he's safe and happy. He does miss you terribly though."
"He's okay?" There is relief in my voice, knowing that he was out there, somewhere. Even if he isn't with me.
"Oh yes, he's fine. There's no more pain where he is. Except he watches you. He hasn't been able to let you go. I suspect you haven't been able to let go of him either. You two have a very strong bond."
"He should hate me. Everyone should. I killed them. Angel, Kendra, Jenny. They're all dead because of me. Willow, Xander, Cordelia, Giles, my mom. They didn't deserve what I did to them. I messed up their lives so badly. I would give anything to change things, so they had never met me."
"Dear, don't say that. You brought happiness, love and friendship to them all. You gave them everything you have to give. You should be happy that you knew them. They don't regret knowing you. They all love you very much."
"They shouldn't." As I say this I cry bitter tears.
"You haven't told me you name or how you know of Angel." I say re-composing my self. I guess I still have to keep my slayer cool.
"I go by the name of Meaghen. Angel sent me as he was not permitted to come himself. I am his great-grandmother."
"So technically you're dead?"
"Yes. Death isn't all that bad and heaven is a nice place. Sometimes they allow us to visit the people that we care for. Sometimes we are sent down to offer them a choice. That is what I'm here to offer you."
"What kind of choice?" I ask curiously.
"You have suffered great amounts in your time here on earth. More than most should have to suffer. Too much for a young girl. If you want it I can take you back with me, you will have a chance to do something that you couldn't before."
"A chance to do what?"
"Make peace with yourself and Angel. A chance to let go of past mistakes and hurt."
"I sent Angel to hell. Why would he want a chance to say goodbye to me?"
"The gods felt that he has suffered enough, much like you. He didn't deserve what happened to him and you should never have been forced to make a choice between your love and your responsibility. Angel doesn't blame you."
"Why am I being offered this choice? I don't understand."
"You have fulfilled your duty. You deserve a chance to say goodbye."
"Then I'm ready." I say this with no hesitation. I would give anything to see Angel one last time and now that choice is being offered to me.
"Take my hand child. Our journey begins." Slowly, unafraid of what awaits me I reach for her hand.
"Lets go." I say. As our fingers touch and a feeling of peace overcomes me. I see a white light that we are steadily moving towards. I feel so warm and happy. God, happiness. I've missed that feeling.
*******************************************************
I see a tunnel now. Not dark like most tunnels but rather light. Everything around me glows with and ethereal light. We float together and I watch as we approach the end of the tunnel. Someone waits for us at the other side. Angel, I realize and once more tears come to my eyes. We are now only a few feet away from him and he reaches out his hand to me. Meaghen is beside me. She smiles. Her eyes are warm.
As his hand touches mine metal touches metal. A shiver works it's way down my spine. I look at his hand and realize that is was our Claddagh rings. I still remember what he told me when he gave it to me, his voice is so clear in my head. "The hands represent friendship... the crown represents loyalty... and the heart... Well you know... Wear it with the heart pointing towards you. It means you belong to sombody. Like this."
I feel so happy knowing that we belong to each other. He wears his ring with the heart facing inwards as do I. Looking at me he smiles sadly.
"Angel?" I know that is really is him but I ask just the same.
"Buffy, I've missed you." He says simply.
"Why I killed you?" More tears. He wipes the tears from my cheek with his thumb, caressing my face. I lean into his touch.
"It wasn't your fault. I should have known what would happen. I don't blame you."
"I love you." I say. It still amazes me how few times I've said those three words to him but how much I mean them when I do say them. I know it's wrong. A slayer isn't supposed to love. Least of all a vampire. She's supposed to perform her duty and die. Sometimes I think that that would have been easier. Yet I wouldn't trade my friends, family or Angel for anything in the world. He brought me some of the best and most painful moments in my life.
"I love you." He tells me as he gathers me in my arms. I rest my head on his shoulder. "I forgive you. You had no control over it."
"Angel, I don't want to go." I know that soon I will have to leave.
"And I don't want you to Buffy but we have to say goodbye. Remember that it's not forever. Someday we will see each other again but now you have to go back." As he says this I instinctively know that he is holding back his own tears for my benefit.
We kiss now and as we do he reaches for my hand. I feel him place something in my palm and I grasp it tightly. My last reminder of him and our love.
As our kiss deepens the world around us begins to fade. Colors swirl around me and the grassy knoll that we had previously been standing on begins to disappear. Still I kiss him. Desperate to hold on for precious seconds longer. Finally I break our embrace as he too begins to fade from my vision.
"Remember I love you." His voice is faint. Finally he fades from my view all together.
********************************************************************
I wake up, not sure of my surroundings. It takes me awhile to realize that I'm once more on a bus. I choke back sobs as I come to the realization that it was all just a vivid dream. Still, desperate for proof that I really was able to see Angel one last time I look around me. He is nowhere on the bus.
It is then I acknowledge the sharp, biting pain in my right palm. As I open my hand a glint of silver catches my eyes. I bring the small object close to my face. It's a Claddagh ring. Angel's. Maybe it's enough. Slowly as if I'm afraid that it will vanish I slide the ring onto my thumb. It's too large to fit on any of my other fingers.
"Angel." I say not meaning to speak aloud. I get odd looks from the other passengers. Finally I look our the window. The rain has stopped and the sun has begun to rise. I can't be sure but for a second I think I see an old woman with white hair standing on the corner of the street, wearing the same old fashioned dress worn by Meaghan. I can almost see the green of her eyes. I blink and when I open my eyes she is gone. I almost wonder if I was seeing things..
I consider asking the bus driver to stop and drop me off so that I can search for the haunting old woman. But only for a second. For the first time in a long time I feel something I haven't felt. Hope. Just maybe, things will somehow turn out okay. I had my chance to say goodbye to Angel and maybe I can have one last chance to fulfill my duty, return to Sunnydale and make peace with my friends and family. One last chance to live.
The End