Rating: PG13, for the thought of violence
Summary: What does Giles do when something horrible happens? Giles's POV
Disclaimer: None of these characters are mine, they all belong to Joss Whedon, and will return them soon. I was only borrowing! :)
For: Karen, who alway's gives me an ego boost about my writing when I need it!
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I lost my daughter tonight. That's how I had thought of her, really. As my daughter. She was really all I had. I loved her so. Tears fall from my eyes, now, thinking that. I never even told her...So many things. That she was a great Slayer, the best Slayer, I'm sure, since time began. That I was glad that I was chosen for her. How special it made me feel when she would joke with me, try to draw me out and make me laugh, even when she was mad at me.
You heard about the dead guy, right? Well, it's the weirdest thing, there are two little, little holes in his neck, and all his blood's been drained. It's that bizarre? Aren't you just going...'ooohh'?. Her voice floats through my head, and I jerk up, looking for her. I needed to look no farther than my arms, lying there, covered in blood. How did so much blood come out of someone so little? So much strength?... I wasn't strong enough for her! I hear her laughing, her voice won't leave the room. I sob, rocking her back and forth. There was supposed to be more time! More time for everything!
Xander and Willow have heard my scream of grief and run into the library from down the hall. It was done so quick! We were all here at the school.... Why didn't I stop this?! I hear Xander yell and run to her lifeless side, only to run back over to Willow, who is sinking to the ground in shock. Their pain seems no less than mine....but it is. It couldn't be more. Willow is crying hoarsly, and I hear her repeating Buffy's name, telling herself it's not so. Xander holds her, rocking her in the same fashion I'm rocking my Slayer. My daughter.
Thank God for the boy. I'm a mess myself, but after his initial tears, he keeps it together. Something I don't plan on doing ever again. Buffy's hair falls over her blood soaked face, and I brush it back. I'm so cold....I'll never have anyone to warm me again. You're like a textbook with arms, I *know* this! She always warmed me. I never showed her, though. It wasn't my duty! It wasn't my place! My mind spits out the words like a poison. She was my daughter! It *was* my place! I feel so ashamed...I never even told her after Jenny died, when I knew it would be most imparative for her to hear. She needed love then, and I had so much to give. She needed a father, and I was always there.
My other children stare over in silence, Willow's pain overriding her shock. They crawl over to me, but I hardely notice. So much blood.... I'm not unused to seeing blood. It hasn't really disgusted me in a long time, but I feel so ill... Willow's arms encircle my back, and Xander envelops us both. They instinctivly know that if they try to take her away from me at this point, I'll only end up hurting someone. So they comfort me instead. Time has passed, not long, I'm sure, but it feels like an eternity.
I hear a scream pounding through my fuzzied brain, and I realize that it's mine. Another scream echo's, not my voice, but the name I called. It's Angel. He runs into the library. "BUFFY!!!" We look at him, our bodies covering hers and he knows. He falls to his knees. "I felt her, I felt her, I felt her. Oh, God, I felt her die. I felt her..." He sobs hysterically, and Xander does something that shocks all of us, even himself. He walks over to hug him. They both loved her. Two different ways, but love is love, and they both felt it. Xander breaks down fully, then, slumping. They hold each other, brothers and friends at last. I hate what lead this union to occure.
We went through so much. He had just gotten out of Hell. She had gone into Hell, after him, pulling him out. So much had happened. They had loved each other so much. I know, then, that the only one who will feel grief stronger than I do over this is Angel. Buffy's true love. I remember her the day of Jenny's funeral. I'm sorry I couldn't kill him for you....For her. I wasn't ready. But I think I finally am. She would never have been ready, I know. Even before she sent him to Hell, she hated what she was going to do. I was the only one who saw that, but I was a bitter old man...I wanted him dead, so I didn't say anything to ease her mind.
It took so long to find her after she ran away. Six months wasted. I had known that Angel had been killed. I had studiously searched. Finally, after those long, lonely months, I got her back. I wouldn't get her back this time. I remember her running into my arms when I found her, burying her face in my shoulder. She had been lonely, too. Giles! Oh, thank God, you still smell like tweed! I laughed, and held her tighter then, as I do now. No laughing, though. I cry harder. She had brightened so when I told her that Angel could be saved. She had been the first to volunteer. I don't know why I even tried to argue with her then. I really would have done anything for the girl. I look up at Angel again, all of us sobbing, sharing out grief.
Willow's tears soak through my coat, wetting my back. My chest is wet in Buffy's blood. So much blood, so much blood, so much blood. This all came out of her. Who I was supposed to protect, to guard, to train. And to love. I was supposed to care for her as if she had belonged to me. She did. I just didn't fulfill my duty. I hold her tighter to me, and lift my eyes to look out the far window. It's so dark out....I know it will get light soon, but it's dark now, and that's what matters. The dark mirrors my feelings, and I feel murderous. A slayer slays. A watcher.... Watches? Except for now, when I will hunt down the bastard that killed her and watch him die the most painful death. I will torture him with everything I know how to use, but in the end, I will kill him. I will take over, and kill the bloody pillock who dared to touch my daughter.
The room is filled with the groaning and tears of true heartbreak. The anguish tears at me, ripping at my insides like I will do to the vampire who killed and left her. No reason in that.....Just a lucky vampire who followed the Slayer one night. I look around the place that has served as my home most hours of the day, and know that after tonight, I will never walk in here again. I knew this would happen someday. No Slayer has lived past twenty, but I was sure that Buffy would be the first. She was certainly the greatest.
I remember the night she found out she was going to die. Read me the signs!! Tell me my fortune!! You're so useful, sitting here with all of your books! You're really allota help!....Giles, I'm sixteen years old. I don't wanna die. My heart broke then, but I still had an absurd faith that served me well. My heart won't heal this time. I don't want it to. I won't accept another Slayer. I would feel like I was betraying her. I will never betray her again, like I did tonight by not being there. My heart clenches as I look at the girl lying dead in my lap. Only eighteen years old. There was supposed to be more time!
The clock reads 5:58. It's still so dark, but I know the sun will come up soon. Xander notices, too, and leads a still hysterical Angel out the doors. He'll see him safely home, and call the police next. I won't do it, I won't be able to get the words out. Willow pulls herself off of me, and kisses my cheek before going home to cry herself to sleep. My other daughter. I don't know how she carries herself out on her own legs, but she does. He mother will tell her in the morning, and she'll cry all over again, but I know she will never really stop. None of us will.
I'm left alone with Buffy. Tears run down my face, and fall onto hers. I'm so sorry...
I look out he window once more. What is that term? Oh, yes. Darkest hour before the dawn. It *is* the darkest hour.
But I know the sun will never rise again.
The End
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