RATED: NC17

I dream again. I feel his lips under mine as I silence his feeble protests. I almost lost him tonight and the pain of that possible loss drives me to Carpe Diem... or in this case Carpe Angel! He submits to my demand for touch and for closeness. He tells me he loves me and my heart sings!

I run my nails over his neck and down his chest and he purrs. I don't even think he knows he purrs. Vampires have a deep animalistic growl. From other vampires, it is a call for me into battle. When it erupts from his throat, it makes me melt. Hardly the appropriate Slayer response to vamipric vocolization! The harnessed power he possesses makes me wet in the core. When he purrs, which is rare, I am putty in his hand.

He is purring and nuzzling me as I kiss him and run my hands over his chest. His muscles are hard and flex beneath his cold skin. In the beginning, his coldness bothered me. Now, I am aroused by cold. I can nearly orgasm just eating ice cream....it's embarrassing!

I had decided earlier that I am not stopping tonight and I am not allowing him to run away. I will have him, totally. I want to feel him inside me in that place no one has ever gone. I almost lost him tonight... I will not allow another night to go on without knowing the full taste of his love.

I run my nails down his back. His shirt is off and I have full access to his torso. I lick and suck on his nipples and he moans in pleasure. I get bold and I stroke his groin and feel his hardness through his pants, and he moans deeper. For Me? He moans and before I am aware of it he has stripped of his pants and he lies in my embrace nude. I feel his erection on my thigh as he rolls me on my back and starts to do wonderful things with his mouth on my breasts.

I am hot and I am wet, and the rain had nothing to do about it... He kisses me and he strokes me. I hear his gentle purr as he nuzzles me and licks me. I can't stand it! I pull him up into a deep kiss. As he kisses me I feel him remove my pants, and then my underwear. His touch is soft and gentle as I feel his fingers stroke me down *there*. I want to scream. I want something but I don't know what, but I have an idea....

He dips a finger inside of me gently, and it comes away moist, slick with my juices. He smiles at me and licks the juices off his finger...I quiver. He towers over me and positions himself between my legs and looks me in the eye. I smile in invitation, ever needing the invitation to enter, my Angel.

I feel his erection at my entrance. He gently, so softly, inserts himself into me. I can't believe how good it feels to feel his hard cold cock inside of me! He stops when he can't seem to go any farther and he looks at me with large eyes. Maybe he didn't realize I was a virgin? I moan deeply and thrust into him gently, and he thrusts through. I feel a small tearing pain and then incredible pleasure as he begins thrusting in and out!

It is one long gently passionate experience. He pleases me in ways I never thought possible... he chants to me in his purr he loves me. I come in ways I never have when I played with myself.

I can feel his tension... he is on the edge and he is not coming...what am I doing wrong? Then I remember a late night study night Willow and I had in the library, with Giles' books and no Giles. Vampiric sex. He needs to bite and draw blood to come...so I reach up and grab him by the hair and place his lips to my neck. "Drink" I whisper into his ear...

He moans deeply and I feel his face change and he sinks his fangs into my neck and I explode into pleasure...I feel him draw off me as I feel him pulse deep within me and I come in a way I never have before...

He is frantically trying to rouse me. He is scared he hurt me.."Oh that was wonderful!" I kiss him and sink into his arms totally content...

I wake up alone like I did that next morning... I am alone. That night of lovemaking and he had lost his soul. Now I am without him because I sent him to Hell. He's in Hell and I am the one Damned.

I moan and roll over and look around at the homeless shelter I am sleeping in. Who would have thought it? Here I am, a seventeen year old Slayer in a homeless shelter. I exist day to day praying for an end to this Hell which has become my life.

I get up and gather my things. The shelter will be closing soon for the day... I will not be back. My stomach growls but the long line I know awaits at the Salvation Army food kitchen isn't worth the wait. I gather my bags and walk out toward the freeway. I want out of town... whatever town this happens to be, I don't even remember.

I stand there with my thumb out. I turned down rides from the first three guys. I didn't like the way they 'felt'. No man has touched me since Angel, and if I have my way, I will go to my grave with his hands being the last to touch me.

I can't do it any more. I left Sunnydale the morning I sent the man I loved more then life itself to Hell. I saved the world and destroyed myself in the process. My mother had thrown me out of the house when she tried to make me chose her authority over saving the world and Giles. My association with Giles got him tortured by Angelus. I endanger all I come in contact with. So now I have no contact with anyone.

I have prayed the last six months that some lucky vampire will succeed where so many failed...to kill me. But alas, I am too damn good. I slay them with cool, detached efficiency. Giles would be proud of me. I can't look for a quick way out that way.

The average life expectancy for a Slayer is nineteen years. My Slayer Duty, I will do it, until I reach eighteen. I have decided that I will end my existence and allow the next Slayer to be called on the night of my eighteenth birthday. I will have lasted a year without my Angel. First months without his soul and then I sent him with his soul restored, to Hell. I have lived too long without Angel, first with hope and then the last six months without hope. I can't do it any longer... I don't live. I exist. The knowledge it is going to be a limited amount of time, makes it easier to do.

I look up, a cowboy is stopping... and he feels 'ok'... I run up to the window and look into his eyes.

"Where ya going to little one?" He asks me smiling. He is a cowboy. Drives a truck and talks with a southern accent. He feels 'ok'. I tell him I am going "away". He laughs and he tells me I can go his way. He's going into northern Nevada. I throw my bags into the back of the truck with his stuff, and climb into the cab. I never really bother to get his name. I think of him as "Cowboy".

We drive what seems to be forever. He stopped trying to talk to me after I wasn't too communicative with his previous attempts. My right shoulder aches where I have the tattoo. I got a small replica of Angel's tattoo. A winged cat with a Celtic style A in it's feet. Above it is "Angel's girl" in Celtic script. Unlike Angel's it is colored. My token of love to the man I killed and sent to hell. My memorial to him. The pain pleases me. I will be dead before it entirely heals... appropriate. I look out the window at the passing scenery. There isn't much. I fall asleep.

I wake up. I don't know where we are. I don't even know what day or month it is. I listen to the Garth brooks song playing on the radio... it hurts me so much but it fits to what happened so much... I can imagine Angel singing it to me. My reality is slipping and I don't care.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Looking Back on the memory of
The dance we shared 'neath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known that you'd say goodbye...
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

How could he have known my way of saying goodby to him would be to send him to Hell? I would have followed him into Hell willingly if I could have been sure we would have been together! But knowing the essence of Hell, we would have been apart... But I am in Hell now anyway, without him....

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it would end
The way it would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd had to miss the Dance
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I would have missed the best thing that has ever been in my life had I missed him. I would have missed the pain but I would have missed the Dance of love with him. I would have rather loved him and lived to 18 than never have met him and lived to be a hundred

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I a king
But if I'd only known how the King would fall
Hey whose to say
You know, I might have chanced it all
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Would I have chanced it with Angel had I known the way it would end? I don't have an answer... my mind says no... my heart says YES...and my soul lies bleeding between the two of them.

We finally arrive at his Aunt's house somewhere in Nevada. I never care about cities or anything like that any more. "We are here" My cowboy savior tells me as we drive up to a remote farm. The desert night is making me nervous. My skin crawls and I recognize the cramping in my womb. Vampire! What the hell is a vampire doing in the middle of nowhere?

He knocks on the door and then knocks again. I have a sinking feeling his Aunt will never answer the door. He finally just opens the door and we go in. We find his Aunt's body in the kitchen, obvious cause of death: vampire bite. I pull my stake out of my sleeve, and I start to stalk the killer. He is nearby, I can feel him.

The vampire attacks as we walk into the living room. He strikes Cowboy and knocks him around a bit before I intervene. He is young and foolish, and I am not in a good mood. I thrash him quite soundly before I plunge my stake into his heart. Giles would have been enraged at my "beating him to a bloody pulp" before killing him... but it has gotten into a habit of late. A way to ease the pain.

My partner stares at me. I guess I blew the Slayer identity, but I don't care anymore. "Now you know my hobby. I am a Vampire Slayer" I tell him simply.. He accepts my hobbies. Amazing how accepting people are when they are met with the insanity of my reality. Nice touch...except it is probably shock. I don't care anymore.

He calls the police, or in the case of being out in the country, the Sheriff. They aren't alarmed at death by vampire bite. We are instructed to leave the body there, and to go into town to the catholic church there. This is getting weirder by the minute.

We arrive at the church to see what appears to be a refugee camp. We find out the town is under siege from vampires, and about 15 people have been known killed so far. The authorities know, and are trying to deal with it but are at a loss.

I walk over to where some young teens are making stakes and I stock up. They don't stop me until I turn to leave the church. They are alarmed I want to walk outside. I look at them and tell them I can't very well Slay them in here...

I leave the church and I sense a vampire. I am in my element. I am a hunter, killer and predator. It feels so good to hunt to kill. It is all that I have left. The teenager Buffy Summers is gone. I am The Slayer.

They are arrogant and far too used to easy prey. I find myself fighting several out in the open in the town square. I have an audience from the windows of the church. I make short work of them. They are fledglings, which are as usual; young and stupid.

I stand over the dust of the three vampires I killed as the Priest comes up to me. "You're the Slayer aren't you?" he asks quietly. I look at him. I know I should lie and tell falsehoods but the days of secret identity are over... they know *what* I am not *who* I am. I nodded 'yes' to him.

I return to the church and I stock up on Stakes. I go out several times that night. The imaturity of the fledglings make me realize it is probably just one older vampire having fun. Sadistic bastard. What they don't have in strength, they have in numbers... there are so damn many.

I return to the church right before Dawn. I am too tired to find their lair. I need rest and sleep, and I lay down realizing I will get neither, as usual. I haven't had good rest or sleep since I sent Angel to Hell.

The Priest walks over to me "Is there anything I can do for you" He asks me softly. I know the answer is no, but I need to talk. I need to vent the pain in my soul, and this is the man trained to take it. I can see why Catholics do confession now.

"I am not Catholic. Father." I start. He accepts that I am not of his faith. "I even don't have a religion anymore. I am the Slayer, I have the strength and the ability to fight demons and vampires, but I have lost my soul in the process." He just listens to my words. He doesn't judge. I take the plunge and continue.

"After becoming the Slayer, I have lost everything. My friends, my family, my life and my future, and worst of all the man I love. I am condemned to fight evil until I die, and with the usual life expectancy of a Slayer, that isn't long." Pain for me shows in his eyes. He doesn't give me fake platitudes. He does what I need him to do, continues to listen. It is so good to speak to someone about the pain eating me up inside of me. Someone I don't have to try to protect from my pain like I did my others back in Sunnydale

"My Love, he lost his soul. The demon possessing him opened a portal to cause the world to be sucked into Hell. To save the world, and everyone in it I had to send the man I love into Hell. I could send the body with the demon to Hell easily. But no, his soul was returned to him after the portaL was opened. It was too late! It wasn't that it was his demon possessed body, but him with his soul returned. To save the world I had to send him to Hell." I cry deeply and silently, my tears streak down my face. "My love is in Hell, and it was my hand who sent him there!" I can't stand the pain.

He places a hand on ly shoulder "Child. God will not leave his soul in Hell. He isn't made that way. Take refuge in his soul will go where it needs to go" I look at him in anger. What babble bullshit is this?

"I didn't kill him. I sent him into Hell through a vortex... a magickal portal! His body is alive, and he is alive and in Hell. And your Damned God can follow him for all I care! What has he done for me? I fight the evil, and He takes my love, my soul, my reason for existing. I have given up and lost everything. All that is left of me now is a killing machine without a soul" I sink into my arms. I don't want to talk anymore. I want to die.

"If you didn't have a soul, you wouldn't feel pain. It doesn't matter if you don't believe in God. He believes in you. I don't know how I know, but I do. You will be reunited with your love. Don't ask me how, don't ask me when. But you will" He stands to walk away and turns back to me "God Bless you child. The path you walk is hard. And will save the people of this town and others like them." That's good for them. Who will save me?

Sunset comes and I awake. The day's dreams were milder, and pleasant. Dreams of loving and kissing Angel. Dreams of our lovemaking, and his telling me he loves me. The painful parts didn't come, but I hurt just the same. I go out into the night and I hunt and kill vampires all night long.

I return to the church tired exhausted and hungry. I eat some food of some sort not knowing or caring what It was, it is a little bit, and no where near enough.The Priest tells me help is on the way...I look at him blankly. What does he mean? No one can help me. I have lost all that can help me. I am alone. Forever Alone. I go to my spot near the Altar and fall fitfully asleep.

I relive the death of Angel and sending him into Hell again. I awake with a scream and realize I am looking into Willows eyes. "Are you OK, Buffy?" She asks softly as I hug her tightly. I nod, because that is what she needs to see. No reason to depress her. I'll never be all right. Angel is gone. "The team is all here. We are here to help you. I will go get them." She hugs me and scampers out. I look at the priest. He is smiling. Was this what he meant by help is on the way?

Team? Xander, Willow and Giles. My team. My mind remembers who I loved best of the "Team". Angel. My guardian Angel. The man's whose love I reward by sending him to Hell. Pain was so palpable I could taste it.

Giles and Xander come up to me and hug me. Giles is quiet, and understanding is in his eyes. He doesn't chastize me for running away for these last months. Xander is accepting. Seems more worried about my looks than telling me I was a shit for splitting. Why did I leave them? I don't know... I know I had to do it when I did it. Now I can't even think of why I left.

"Buffy" I hear my mom's voice and I look up into her eyes. She opens her arms and I hug her hard. She just holds me and rocks me and chatters meaningless word into my ear. I hear "baby" alot. She is always so mushy. I used to hate it...now I crave it. I missed her. She tells me that Giles explained it all to her. She loves me and she wants me to come home. I have my life back.....sorta.

I cry, tears flow freely as I tell Giles about what happened in the battle "Oh God Giles, I killed him!" I told him around my sobs. The people who were around us listened to my every word. I guess for them this was a legendary Slayer... not often you get to experience the lives of legends. They should be grateful they never will experience it first hand...it sucks. "He got his soul back and he didn't know what was happening, - and I killed him!" I looked at Willow who had tears running down her face. "I had no choice, the vortex to Hell was open and the whole world would have been sucked into Hell!" The people around us stared. Disbelief on their faces. The world was at the verge of ending and they never knew it! "It wasn't that demon bastard... him I could have killed easily... It was Angel, Giles... He didn't know what happened, but he told me loved me...and then I sent him into hell to close the vortex!" I broke down crying and I sank into Gile's arms and cried. He held me tight and kept saying over and over again "I know". How the hell did he already know?

"Buffy" I hear a voice I couldn't recognize. It was harsh and sounded like the man had been crying. "You did what you had to do. You had no choice. It wasn't your fault!" I am enraged. Who is this son of a bitch who has the audacity to tell me how I should and shouldn't feel?

"Like hell it wasn't my fault he.." I stopped and just stared in disbelief..."Angel?" He was in front of me. Still in the same clothes he wore that day. I knew they were, they were etched into my mind. I stared at his face... it was Angel!

"ANGEL!" I scream as I launch myself into his embrace. He holds me tight with an essence of disbelief. I kiss him and hug him and run my fingers through his hair. I can't get enough of him...He kisses me deeply. "I thought I lost you!" I tell him over and over. He tells me over and over he loves me. For a man who only told me twice he loved me, he is certainly making up for it! Everyone is staring at us. I don't care!

"Excuse me" Giles was attempting to interrupt us. Angel glared at him with a look I had only seen come from Angelus, and Giles backed up a step. Unfortunately for our reunion, Giles can't be stopped when he is on a roll. "Lets get rid of the vampires, so we can all go home?" I thought for a minute Angel was going to rip Giles head off, but he stopped a moment then nodded. I whine when he seems to accept Giles thoughts, and starts to release me and lowers my feet to the floor.

He's alive and back in my arms.... or as alive as he ever gets. He is out of Hell and back with me and he loves me! I have tasted life without him. I won't, can't live without him.

Angel just knows they are using old mines. A little study and we know their lair. We make short work of the remaining vampires that night. They never thought we would attack them there. Angel has become quite good with the sword that returned from hell with him.

We returned to the Church about an hour before dawn. If we hadn't killed them all, it was highly likely the survivors left town. The town folk were grateful and everyone wanted to hug and thank us. It was weird after years of never having anyone know what we did, to have a whole town now and be thankful. Giles looked uncomfortable, Willow was shy. My mom was feeling weird. Xander loved the attention especially from the girls as usual. Angel looked like he was going to jump out of his skin. I think this many humans around him really bothered him. He finally mumbled something I couldn't hear and bolted. Cryptic guy was back...but out of his territory, so where could he go?

It took us awhile for us to work our way outside. It seemed a lifetime before I could get outside. I saw the limousine where I knew Angel was. Anticipation was wetting my appetite. It would be a long drive home... and I was terribly tired.

I climbed into the back of the limousine. Angel was huddled in the corner. He seemed as much afraid of the people as the sun. I immediately went over to him and he looked at me with his big brown eyes. It seemed he wanted to hide. I immediately hugged him. I could feel his fear. I know he is feeling guilty over the actions Angelus did. I know he is going to punish himself longer than I will ever live.

He feels so good. His skin is cool, almost cold to the touch. His muscles ripple under the cold skin and I feel myself melt. I slide my hands under his shirt as I lay my head on his chest and snuggle closer to him. He is home and I am content. I glance briefly at my mother. She has never seen me even hug or hold hands with a guy. Now, I am all but making love to Angel in front of her. I really don't care. She smiles at me as Angel puts his hands around my shoulder and pulls me tight. I hope she approves....

I wake up and it is night. I had fallen asleep in his arms and had the first good night sleep I had since the night he lost his soul so long ago. I feel rested but restless. I look around, he is gone! Panic fills me. I know he was just a dream...wishful thinking.... I look around in rising fear.

"He's driving." Mom tells me. I relax and smile at her. "You love him very much don't you?" She asks me. I nod and smile. "I can tell, you know. I am not sure I totally accept my baby loving a vampire, but I can tell it is useless to argue." I stare at her in shock. Who is this pod person who replaced my mother? I smile though, she is doing well and I don't want to disturb her.

"Will you come home?" Mom asks me. I look at her. I love my mom, but I have tasted freedom and I crave it. She wants her little girl back. I need my freedom to be what I am, The Slayer. I watch her, and know her knowing and watching me go to my hunting every night will destroy her.

"No mom. I will not be moving back home" I see the pain in her eyes. Her baby girl is gone. "I will move back to Sunnydale. I will see you often. But I am not moving home." I hadn't talked with Angel but the rest just came out. "I'm going to live with Angel." Everyone stares at me shock. Xander starts to sputter and Willow elbows him. I'm surprised she hasn't broken ribs.

"Mom, you know I am the Slayer." I tell her softly. "It will eat you up watching me going out to Slay, wondering if I will ever come home. You will be endangered by anyone who finds out my identity, if I live with you." I could see she agreed but didn't like what she knew was coming. "NO. I am not moving home. I will live with Angel." I cut her argument off. "I will live with him for several reasons. First, and most importantly, because I love him. I have been separated from him since my birthday, and I will not do it any longer. Second because it will be safer for him and me." I know this hurts my mom and I know the others don't like it much either, but I don't care. I see Giles nodding. He doesn't like it, but he accepts. Now if Angel accepts as easily.

I need to be with him. I knock on the window, and make Angel pull over so I can go up front. I can't stand to be separated from him. He pulls over and then I climb into the front seat he tells me he wants me to rest. I agree. I have to be with him though. I will rest only with him present.

I lay on the front seat and place my head on this lap. I know how this must look to any truckers driving by, and I don't care. I need to feel him. I need the physical contact as much as I need air. I need to know while I sleep he is still there. I almost immediately drift off to sleep.

CONTINUES