Tears In Heaven

Light flashed in my eyes. I was in my room. Angel was there. Oh, his lips on mine. What a strange sensation, almost as if- I'm home. Such rightness. My hands lock behind his neck, his around my waist. He pulls away, and I feel a rush of cold air whip between us. I pull, try to get him back focused on my lips. He turns around. Oh, my God.... Sobs will overwhelm me later.

Light flashed in my eyes. We're at the Bronze, dancing. His arms are welcoming me, and I snuggle against his cold warmth. Never leave me, okay, Angel? As if he hears my silent plea, he smiles and nods his head at me. Does he truely read my heart so well? A tear trails down my face when I answer the question of what I need. Him. It was always him.

Light flashed in my eyes. I was surrounded by something. Oh, yes. Angel's arms. How I love being here. He is kissing me, and I don't want to be let go. I feel his skin against mine, ice and steam conflicting. What wonderful friction we're creating! I love him so. Tears of pure love and joy flow down my face. I'm so grateful to him for making this as I always dreamed it would be. I feel his breath against my shoulder. Funny, I thought vampires didn't breath.... It feels nice. We collapse against each other and hang on for dear life. How strange, that he makes me feel so alive. I never realized before how just how lonely I was. We fall asleep on his velvet sheets, my head on his chest, his hand tangled in my hair. So soothing. All of the sudden I'm alone. "Angel?"

Light flashed in my eyes. I'm picking up the phone. Oh, please, not this. I can't bear it again. "Hello?" It's Giles. No, no, no. I'm trying not to hear, please don't let me hear. He tells me, and I hear. Oh, dear God, what have I done? Please, I can't take it, I can't. Not Jenny. It's my fault. I know that, Angel does, too. He knew I would feel this way. Why does this have to be who I am? Why do I have to kill the demon wearing my lover's face? I vaugely hear Willow cry out. I'm so sorry, Willow, for everything I've put you through. I sink my head into my knees and silently cry for what we've all lost because of me.

Light flashed in my eyes. I'm at school. James is inside me, but I see everything, remember everything. I see Angel, Grace. The love that fills me for both of them in undescribable. We kiss. I feel the presence of James and Grace pull out of us. We're still kissing, and I know it's Angel. We slowly end the kiss. I'm afraid to open my eyes, for fear that he'll be gone. Yet I do. He's there, and I watch him for an eternal moment before he opens his eyes. He looks down at me. I see a spark of something....Could it really be him? Tears of hope are streaming to my chin. Please, please. He pushes me away roughly, and I realize that it can never be again. I'm so sorry, Angel.

Light flashed in my eyes. I raise my sword to deliver the blow that wil release us both. A strange light fills his eyes. Could it be.... He looks up and then I know. I see his tears, and I'm sure. "What's going on? I-I don't remember." I'm lowering my sword dazedly. He pulls himself up. "You're hurt." His concern for me is strong, stronger that his hatred of me just a moment ago. I allow myself to be pulled to him. I inhale deeply, reveling in his scent. His arms tighten around me, and I nestle my face in the bend of his neck. Relief overwhelms and I find myself crying. Thank you, whoever did this, thank you with my life. I open my eyes. No, no, not now. I only just got him back. He's mine. Don't take him from me. I realize, then that no one will take him from me, I will have to do it. I cannot hate myself more. He knows something is wrong, and asks me. "Shhh. Don't worry about it" I reply, and hope he trusts me enough to let it go. I lean up to kiss him, knowing I have to do it soon. Our tears mix, mine of love and bitterness, his, I suspect, of love and confusion. I hope he can taste the love in my tears. I wish I could give him something tangible to hold on to, something of mine that will keep him safe and loved. "Close your eyes" He looks at me, and I nod, reassuring him. They close. Please forgive me, my dearest love, you take with you my broken heart. I kiss him one more time, one last time, and the cruelty of it all wells up inside of me. Before I can stop myself, I pull back and plunge the sword through his chest. His eyes burst open, in shock and pain. Mine is just as intense. I can't look into his eyes. He reaches out for me, and asks me a question. "Buffy?"

This is unbearable. He is swallowed up, and I cover my face with my hands. I'm so sorry...

A light flashes in my eyes and i sit up suddenly. I'm on a bus, going nowhere, and there is a woman two seats away darting me sympathetic glances. My face is wet. I realize I was crying in my sleep. My Heaven, and relief, now my Hell and prison. No more tears, I promise myself, as I lean over to go back to sleep. I know it's a lie.

The End