Content: Post Becoming 2 Giles angst
Summary: Giles thinks about Buffy
Disclaimer: They belong to Joss Whedon
:::For on his shoulders rests the job of fitting us for war
With nothing to give him the clue of what to train us for.
And if he fails it is not he that pays, but you and I-
And so he dies a little when he hears the Death Bell cry.::
-The Face Within, Queen's Own by Mercedes Lackey
Giles dropped down into his chair, his shaking hand rubbing at the bridge of his nose. He let his glasses fall onto the cluttered desk top, his hands collapsing down beside them.
The voices outside his office had risen. The young voices, once so full of enthusiasm, were now marked with pain and sorrow. They were too young to know such pain, and Giles regretted that his abrupt departure had piled another bit of worry onto their already full plates.
He should go out there, assure them that he was perfectly fine. Tell them that his heart wasn't being pummeled mercilessly by the emotions that he couldn't seem to keep at bay. But he couldn't find the strength to rise to his feet, much less lie to the only people he had left.
Giles doubted that he'd even be able to keep his voice from cracking and the tears that he had held back for so long from surging to his eyes.
He had known that being a Watcher wouldn't be easy. He had known that taking care of the Slayer would be a difficult task at best. He had known that the loss of their Slayers had driven some Watchers to suicide. He had known that in his head. But that knowledge had never truly reached his heart until now.
And now Giles lived with the incredible, unrelenting agony of having failed his Slayer every waking moment. He couldn't even escape Buffy in his dreams.
Buffy had been a duty -- an unwanted one at that. But he had grown to love his Slayer -- her courage, her compassion.. But he had failed her. And now, she was gone. Perhaps forever.
She had depended on him and he had failed her. He hadn't prepared her well enough, he hadn't trained her for the possibility that had finally taken her from him. The recognition that he couldn't have known about the consequences that would arise from Buffy's relationship with Angel didn't even attempt to make itself heard over the loud wailing of Giles' guilt.
He should have been stronger for her. He shouldn't have given into Drusilla's mind games. Because of his weakness, Giles had cost Buffy her one chance at getting Angel back.
His weakness had driven Buffy away.
He missed her. Buffy's absence had created a void in his very soul greater than anything that Giles could have ever imagined. For two years, his life had centered around her and Giles found himself lost without her.
Noticing the wetness on his cheeks, Giles roughly scrubbed away his tears. He had failed his Slayer too many times all ready. He would not fail her again. They would find Buffy, and somehow, he would make it up to her.
~End~
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